accused of not wanting to be around SSs, sometimes that is true!
I had a chance to catch up with a friend this weekend and was out most of the day, and my SO got totally bent out of shape, saying I was '$#@!ing rude' because he was waiting around to be able to do something all 4 of us (2 SSs, one 7, one 9, with us every other weekend). I havent seen this friend in person for a year because of covid restrictions, so I don't think it is unreasonable that I might spend a good chunk of time with her to catch up. My SO had not planned anything that I had missed, and I also took longer as I did the week's foodshopping as we both work fulltime, part time and are in school and I knew it wouldn't happen otherwise and wanted to make sure we were set up to go into a new work week.
He said that he felt I didn't want to be around the boys, all because a few weeks ago I said that their bad behavior made me not want to be around them when they are like that. Me socializing had nothing to do with this. For context, the night I said that to him, was after a super challening second night at our house where they had not listened all day, were tearing through the house, and saying downride mean hateful things to my partner for most of the day, including "I hate you" on repeat "I hate my brother" "I wish you'd die" and other delightful phrases, along with "I hate it here I don't want to be here" etc etc etc.
These comments are rarely directed at me, but deeply frustrate and bother me. It is emotionally exhausting to try and be present and provide a nice home for them only to have them say these things to my partner and not want to be here, and to react with screaming or resentment when any kind of discipline is used. BM is custodial parent and lets them do pretty much whatever - junk food, curse, all the electronics, etc etc.
I am really irritated that he threw that conversation back in my face. Like, no, when they are behaving that way, I don't want to be around! I wouldn't tolerate that behavior from adults, why should I from your kids? Not to mention that a big part of it is feeling awful that they treat him this way! I don't know how to communicate this effectively, I can love them and still at times feel at my wits end and want desperately not to be around them. I suspect he had these moments too, based on his yelling at them, so I don't understand why he is allowed to have normal human emotions but I can't? ? Any tips on communicating this in a kind way? I know I have no idea what it is like to be a parent, but he has no idea what it is like being a bonus adult either. I have pretty much zero say in how they are raised but am still affected by those decisions and their actions, and it is still MY HOME. I don't think it is unreasonable to be peeved that either of us is being disrespected.