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BM not using shared communication, jealousy

iris288's picture

Hi all, 

I don't have the easiest relationship with BM. She is nice to me, and says how happy she is that she is in the SS's (7, 9) lives but I don't trust her. Back in August I saw communication between her and my BF and she asked him if he wanted her to send him dirty pics. She claims she was joking and shared a photo of her with a sinkful of dishes, because there was overlap between their marriage ending and me starting to date him (that I didn't know about at the time - they still tried to work on things and didn't clue me in and that was a nasty surprise later), I just don't trust her or her intentions. 

Seeing that communication caused a big fight between me and my partner and he said he would only communicate with her via shared fb messenger string. They've texted, or she's responded to him about stuff regarding the boys, to just him.

My partner has had his own jealousy issues and hasn't liked some of my male friendships, despite me being 100% committed to him. In the instance of two friends, he felt they were flirtaous so I don't communicate with them anymore.

I'm frustrated both because I don't trust her, I don't feel like she respects our relationship otherwise she'd comply with this simply request, and it is a pain for him to have to loop me in on stuff regarding the boys when it wouldn't be needed if we were all talking on the same channel. I'm frustrated with him because although he asked her to do this, he obviously doesn't care enough to stand up to her about it, or says 'oh she just must have forgotten'. She's not an idiot; how do you forget over and over? It just gives me the sense that she wants to talk to him in a way that I'm not privy to, and that makes me uncomfortable. I think the communication should just be about the kids as necessary. They've tried being friends and she inevitably gets awful with him occasionally or tries to fight with him about things and seems fake nice. I feel like I've made changes to try and put him at ease, and he seems unwilling to do the same. Not sure how to manage this but am getting frustrated!!

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

That's kind of gut wrenching to read. I'm sorry to see that. He's being a douchebag by letting this go on at all.

I do not believe that co parenting actually works. Not unless each parent is also single, especially if they are cordial with one another. It's one thing to not trash the other parent around the kids, it's another to get comfortable with them. If he wants to be comfortable with her, they shouldn't have broken up. In my opinion of general human nature, they'll eventually get too friendly, start spending time together, and hook up. (I also have a bleak opinion of human nature.) - Especially if she's offering him "dirty pictures", and he's not immediately shutting it down and calling for a review of the custody order.

If my wife communicated to her ex through any other medium other than the court ordered app, I'd be done in a heartbeat. Thankfully, they don't communicate at all, and the stepkid isn't even a problem of mine anymore.

You are right to be frustrated.


iris288's picture

Thanks for this. 

When we first started dating, I encouraged him to take time to heal from the divorce, to figure out who HE was, outside of the context of the nuclear family/partnership he'd had for a decade. I said I'd wait, and if he still wanted to pursue things, we could. He didn't take me up on it, and I wished I had pushed the issue. I don't think he really ever had time to appropriately manage his issues, feelings of loss, etc. before we were together. And especially with the stress of this year, and me working at home for the first few months of that covid etc but him still being on site at work just amplified anxiety that he'd try to help her for his boys, and that she'd just do whatever she wanted, whether it was appropriate or not. Just stressed thinking about it! She's cheated on him, denigrated him, and been downright awful to him in the past, why on earth would you communicate with someone like that any more than absolutely necessary?

iris288's picture

Thanks for the responses. I am irritated on both fronts. I live with him and have been with him for about 2.5 years. I don't like feeling insecure, but I don't understand why they'd want to attempt friendship as it hasn't worked for any good length of time since they divorced. We took some time apart after I discovered his lack of transparency. I love him and wanted to make things work. Sometimes I wonder if I should have just listened to the red flag. We had been friends and worked together for years prior which is why it was such a shock and I wanted to believe in his better angels. 

Rags's picture

I am fortunate in that I have never had to deal with an ongoing relationship between my incredible bride and the Spermidiot.  He did make periodically laughable attempts to use SS as his mouth piece to express how much he missed his "family" and to put SS through the ringer on "does your mom still love me?" bullshit.

He did call a few times in the early years of our marriage to "check on" DW and SS and to cry to my bride about missing her and SS.  Even in those early years she would laugh at him and ask if he wanted to speak to SS.  As SS grew up he would laugh in the Spermidiot's face, shake his head and deliver a message along the lines of ..... "(FirstName), my mom and dad love each other very much and you mean nothing to my mom.  Maybe if you grew up you would find a decent person to make a life with. You were never good enough for my mom and you never will be."

An X, even one who participated in the creation of failed family progeny, has no business in the life of their former partner.  Even when they share progeny.  They get very measured interface and that only when they are well behaved and respectful.

Prior breeding services do not warrant a lifetime relationship.

IMHO of course.

IDontCare3117's picture


I didn't realize we were talking about horses, dogs, cats and other animals.  

Rags's picture

Sadly, based on their deficient character, lack of honor, and crappy life performance, far too many X's provide little more than their reproductive services.  IMHO that is is in large part why they are Xs.   In the case of my own X, I blessedly avoided polluting my gene pool by procreating with her.  I got out blessedly baggage free.  Her 2nd and 3rd DH were not as fortunate.  All 3 of her spawn were conceived and delivered out of wedlock. Two of them conceived while she was married to someone other than their fathers. 

These wastes of skin fall into the category of "you know one when you see one".  They have less redeeming value than even "horses, dogs, cats, and other animals". I feel for their children and the parent that made the mistake of procreating with them.  THe good news is that a quality parent can overcome even an unfortunate choice of a prior mate.

Fortunately the product of these wastes of skin breeding can have the benefit of their other parent and that parent's choice of equity life partners to set the example of quality adult relationships and being raised with strong examples of successful adult life performance and with standards of behavior and performance.

Stepfor27yrs's picture

My DH has been divorced for 30 yrs snd with me for 27 yrs. His ex just gave his 35 yr old daughter a kitchen table that was from the family home yrs ago but she told her it was a “push present” for giving birth for him. His daughter sent him s picture if the table will he was at work to ask him if he recognized the table. He texted back and said yes. She told him her moms take about the push present. He asked me what that was snd I told him. He was disgusted and said push presents wasn’t even around back then. So what I’m saying is, sometimes ex’s play games for many yrs. Its up to your partner to set boundaries so you can have peace. ✌️✌️✌️

tog redux's picture

Honestly, I don't think it's reasonable to "require" someone to include their ex's new GF/wife in any communications. If you trust your partner, then what BM does really shouldn't be an issue. You can't force her to include you. 

iris288's picture

It was my SO's suggestion as an act of good faith, since she has said inappropriate things to him. He has asked her to do this, and she doesn't. 

iris288's picture

Also I do have trust issues - I don't think she would be so overly interested in being his 'friend' or say inappropriate things if he established better boundaries with her/ shut her down if she said things that were not platonic or about the kids. Though that really is more an issue with my SO than with her. I just struggle with how nice she is to me, while doing that being my back. She seems happy I'm in the boys' lives and wants to include me, but also two faced and unpredictable. 

tog redux's picture

But again, he has no right to ask her to do this - the jealousy issue is between the two of you. If BM is being inappropriate and he doesn't shut her down, that's an issue you should take up with him.

If I were her, I wouldn't include you either.  Work with your partner on being trustworthy and stop hoping BM will be reasonable.  She doesn't owe you anything, but your partner does.

lieutenant_dad's picture

First and foremost, she doesn't have to respect any request you make of her. She doesn't have to respect your relationship. Yeah, sending suggestive messages to your BF is a d**k move and says a lot about her character, but that isn't the issue here.

The issue is that your BF has poor boundaries at best, and is a cheater at worst. What needed to happen after you discovered the text was that you two needed to heal your relationship and he needed to learn to set proper boundaries with her. You acting out of jealousy, no matter how justified it seems, didn't fix the problem. Being able to see their conversations was never going to fix the problem.

What HE has to work through is setting up proper boundaries and deciding if he wants to implement the boundaries you need to make a relationship successful. What YOU have to work through is whether you can trust him again and deciding on what boundaries and assurances you need that he is really in a relationship with just you and not both of you.

Peeking over his shoulder and being up in their communication 24/7 won't fix the damage that has been done. It will only make you more paranoid, and them more sneaky even if they aren't doing anything wrong. You two need counseling or to break up.

charlieskeeper1's picture

The BM is causing trouble & you are letting her.

You will go crazy being involved in micro-managing communication. If your partner is intrustworthy it'll come out in the wash. It will do you no good mulling over every interaction they have.