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To attend or not? Advice?

MommaRose's picture

I have been a SM to two awesome boys SS6 and SS9 for the last 5 1/2 years. My DH and BM have a consistent split schedule- SS's spend 4 days a week with us, 3 with BM. I have never had a relationship of any sort (good or bad) with BM until the last few months when DHs schedule changed and I was the one picking them up from or handing them off to her. Everything went completely fine (a little awkward, but friendly).

My SS6 7th birthday is in a few weeks, and this is the first party she's had that I've been invited to by her. In the past, whenever the SSs asked their mom if they could invite me to a party etc, she told them "no" giving the reason "because I had disrespected her". It always hurt a lot- not because I was "left out", but because I worried that the SSs would treat me different, not respect me etc. because they heard/felt from BM that something was bad or wrong with me.

So my question is this: Do I go to the party? The SSs are used to me NOT being places when BM and DH are both there, and as for me, I feel really awkward going to a place with all her friends I don't know and who could care less if I was there. But on the other hand, I do want to be supportive for the SSs, and have/build a decent relationship with BM so we can all set a good adult example of "getting along".

Is it important that I attend? Does it really even matter? or...Should I just not go at all?
Thanks for your thoughts/advice!

BabyJune's picture

I would suggest asking your ss if he wants you to attend. If he does, go for him and yourself. I'm sure you wouldn't step on bm's toes and just stay away from any perceived nastiness. Bring your own vehicle if you're worried about a falling out or any problem, that way you can say goodbye to your ss and politely excuse yourself.

jennaspace's picture

I went to things with my husband's ex and she was pleasant and nice. Neither of us are seeking drama. You might want to go (with DH I hope) and see how it turns out. If it doesn't work out, you don't have to go to anything else.

derb84123's picture

Does your DH always go and you stay home?! That is just nuts if so. If DH goes, then yes I think you should.

SMof2Girls's picture

If the relationship is amicable, the I guess it's worth a shot. I personally could never imagine DH or myself attending an event that BM was throwing. Skids know they're divorced, they know they have two homes, they know things are done separately.

When it comes to birthday parties, my skids tend to be so interested in the other kids and what's going on with the party, that they barely register any adults that are in attendance.

christinen's picture

^^^ This. DH and BM do everything completely separately, and we would never dream of inviting BM to one of our parties and I can't imagine BM inviting us either! It's a little weird if you ask me.. but maybe that's just because of the experience I have had! If you think it will be drama-free and your DH is going, I guess you could go.. I personally would not want to go and also would not want my DH to go.