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Overcoming jealousy issues regarding BM?

iris288's picture

Hi everyone! 

I'd love some perspective. My partner and I have been together for about two years and living together for several months. I've had to overcome some jealousy issues regarding BM, as when we first started dating, my bf said he was divorced, but found out later things were not finalized and they had tried to 'make things work'. 

Fast forward and we've been doing pretty well since the move and getting SSs (5 and 9) comfortable with our house/schedule etc. (We have them every other weekend). 

Although BM and bf had a really rough patch, fighting about every decision, etc. they do much better now. However, they are in almost daily contact, and frequently about much more than the children. 

I found out bf spent time with BM and SSs without me at her house, and he didn't mention it. Based on their history, this makes me anxious. I want the children to have access to their dad, but it seems like BM and bf may not just be platonic. 

Rags's picture

Let make sure that I have this right. This guy lied to you about being divorced and is spending time with his X and you are still there?


iris288's picture

We've both put in a lot of work to save the relationship/restore trust and took a break after learning about the divorce. BM started dating and then living with a boyfriend, though he left her about 6 months ago. 

They made each other miserable and I don't think there's love lost there, and I'm new to being in a blended family, but I think they only time they should be interacting is for the kids. The four of them hanging out makes me uncomfortable, but I am new to this and not sure if I'm overreacting. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You are not overreacting. SO should not be spending time at BM's and he shouldn't be lying about it. There is no reason for them to be in contact every day. Listen to your gut, it is trying to tell you things are not as they should be.

While you may have done a lot of work to put things back together, now is the time to make sure SO is still doing the work. Lying to you about time spent with BM is not a good sign. Also, the timing is suspect, since she is now alone. It is time for a discussion about boundaries.

Kes's picture

It seems that your BF and BM are spending time together and he is either lying about it or downplaying it.  Either way, it is a red flag and you should be wary of commitment to you in the light of this. They should be communicating only when necessary about the children - this normally would be no where near every day - it sounds like they are still very enmeshed with each other.  Sorry to say, but if you stay with him I see a very high likelihood of heartache ahead for you. 

shamds's picture

claiming that “their di*k accidentally fell into his ex’s vagina” and make an excuse that the sex wasn’t even good.

just to confirm, divorce is finalized or isn’t?

if he is claiming he hung out for the sake of the kids, thats bs... he needs to cut those hang outs otherwise he’s still emotionally married to her

iris288's picture

Yes, the divorce is finalized. Thank you all for the feedback and for confirming that this isn't normal... I feel like he wouldn't be trying to hide it if he didn't feel guilty about something!

iris288's picture

I don't know how to talk to him about this, but with him in another town during the day still at work, her working remotely and home with the kids all day, and me working remotely from our house has me so anxious. I don't know how to start the conversation, but it is a boost to have others remind me this isn't normal behavior, so thank you all!

Rags's picture

Being firm and direct is the only way.  Don't procrastinate.  Call him, tell him that when he gets home tonight that the two of you will be having serious conversation about the situation.   Then do it as soon as he walks in the door.

That way you won't blind side him.

charlieskeeper1's picture

The boundary slip has gone too far. The BM is probably loving the element of control she has over him & that he is foolish enough to mingle more closely "for the kids". Kids need boundaries not just adults. These blurred lines are not healthy for children & cause confusion. I have been there! You need to spell out what is acceptable to you e.g. if they need to attend parents eve together, it is ok to meet her there but they travel separately, do the thing for the kids & depart. If your reasonable boundaries cannot be respected you have a decision to make.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

You are uncomfortable and suspicious because he is giving you a reason to be. Yes you may be more cautious because of the past, but it's his current actions that are causing you alarm and they should.

The only reason to avoid coming right out and setting limits with him is to avoid finding out that your suspicions were accurate. 

The fact that they had a hostile relationship means nothing. Some people like that and are attracted to that other person's passion for them like a drug. It's no coincidence they were hanging out after BMs break up.