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Opinions is this “school issue” being handled correctly???

Jillstepmom65's picture

Last week DH met with the school and BM to go over how to handle SD14 Refusal to go to school in person and refusing to complete any school work. SD14 has done basically nothing the whole third quarter. (SEE LAST POST FOR FULL DETAILS). Now it was determined by the school and BM NOT to have any Consequences for SD14 defiant behavior regarding school. Their "reason" is they want school to be just a positive experience so they can convince SD14 to come back in person. Their goal is just to get SD14 back in school then go from there. There was talk of giving SD14 "money" weekly for going to school and doing HW also. 

Now I was like WTF?! When does a kid at 14 gets to decide to attend school or not?? If SD14 was my kid I would drag her back kicking and screaming and Embarrass her in front of all her friends if she refused. 

Honestly is the school handling this correctly and why no Consequences? BM loves to coddle SD14 so I'm sure she's partly behind this "no Consequence" deal the school Offered. 



ESMOD's picture

haha.. yeah.. my mom would have driven me crying to the front door.. made me get out.. then left me there.. 

Look,  I get that a lot of people are trying to not be too hard on kids who have struggled with school issues during the pandemic.  This has been a really tough time for a lot of people.. it has been isolating.. it has been tough to motivate for lots of kids (and adults) to do their work.. so I do kind of understand that they are trying to not come down like a total hammer on her.

Perhaps some positive reinforcement will work..but there also has to be a consequence in addition to the carrot.

So... attempting positive is ok.. as long as they are prepared to take away privileges when she doesn't comply.

notarelative's picture

Until BM, who has custody during school time, starts to parent there is not much the school can do. It sounds as if the school is hoping that in person classes will help. But, even if SD goes back to in person school, if she refuses to work, it is almost impossible for the school to compel it.

DH can only have a limited roll in this due to limited custody time.  He can't be the heavy while BM just throws up her hands. He also can't fob it all off on BM and let SD game all weekend. 

Motivating teens is often about finding and controlling their currency. BM and DH need to find SD's currency and be united in doling it out. 

ndc's picture

Why is SD refusing to attend school?  Some kids suffer from severe anxiety related to school, and the school refusal is related to, and treated as, a mental health condition.  Others are lazy and defiant and only do what they want to do.  Obviously, where SD falls on this spectrum is relevant. 

BM and the school are probably figuring it's best to just get the kid back in school and the "no consequence" path is the best/ easiest way to accomplish that goal. I have a younger cousin who burnt out on virtual school earlier this year and he was given a month off and then welcomed back with no serious repercussions.  I thought that was odd, but this whole year has been odd.  Does your DH have a better plan? Do you think dragging her back kicking and screaming and embarrassing her in front of her friends will work? Is the skid seeing a counselor?

tog redux's picture

I agree. Gone are the days of parents dragging kids in and embarassing them as an effective parenting tool.  And anyway, most 14-year-old males can't be forcibly dragged to school and it would likely be DH who would end up embarrassed when CPS showed up at your door.  Some kids respond better to rewards than consequences - which doesn't mean he is "getting away with something" - it means as ndc said, the goal is just to get him back in school and start over rather than keep up an endless cycle of ineffective punishment.

Also - is it anxiety? Why is he avoiding school?

Jillstepmom65's picture

SD14 is extremely spoiled by both parents and use to doing what she wants. Refuses to help around the house or do anything she does not wants. The reason SD14 does not want to go to school or do any school work I feel is what she is telling people that she just does not like it. Since no one basically ever made her do much SD14 is use to getting her way. SD14 does see a Counselor for mood issues. I'm no professional but feel a lot of SS14 mood problems are Environmental from poor parenting

tog redux's picture

Sorry, I read it as SS, not SD.  You may be right about the poor parenting - but unless someone holds her parents accountable, it's not likely they will do anything different. Some states do hold parents accountable for school absences, others don't.

I'd suggest you just disengage and let your DH deal with this.

ESMOD's picture

Um.... has your husband explained that HE has to do things HE doesn't like?  Have you thought about not cooking meals.. because you don't like it?  Everyone has responsibilities.. some are more fun than others.. she is a minor.. school is her primary "job".. This is not optional... why on earth does she think it is?

Merry's picture

No dinner tonight? Sorry, SD, I didn't feel like cooking it.

No clean clothes? Sorry, SD, I didn't feel like doing laundry.

No internet? Sorry, SD, I didn't feel like paying the bill.

She has the logic of the young teenager that she is, but her parents allowing her to use it as a reasonable excuse is horrible.

Jillstepmom65's picture

BOTH the school and BM thought it was a bad idea. So DH just gave up and hoping this "no Consequences" Route will prove to be a disaster so he can say told you so. Yes I'm sure SD will go to school if she knows it's only going to be fun and games and no work. BUT Eventually they're going to have to expect something from her and that's when the shit will hit the fan.

I just can't get over how the school could Possibly think this is going to work or a good idea

tog redux's picture

I'm confused - in your last post the school wanted video games taken away and you were against that - but now you want her to have consequences?  Doesn't sound like school is saying to just let her come back for fun time, they think she needs to stop gaming at home.

Jillstepmom65's picture

Yes the school Originally told DH they were going to suggest taking ALL Video games away BUT when the meeting came to be NO mention of it came about from the school. I'm thinking BM maybe talked to the school between the time DH talked to them and the meeting because can't see why they would so Drastically change their mind. Yes I was against taking video games away because otherwise SD is up DH ass 24/7 and wants him complete Undivided attention. Video games has allowed me to actually talk to DH without SD hanging all over DH Interrupting me because she wants his undivided attention. 

notarelative's picture

I wonder how SD's teachers feel about no consequence school time. I can almost guarantee that this was not their suggestion. I doubt the idea will get a welcome reception when the counselor presents it to the teachers.

Sd's issues seem bigger than the typical school issues, even during pandemic times. Since SD already sees a counselor outside of school, perhaps this outside counselor might have more insight into this situation than the school counselor. Have the parents talked to her about this?

simifan's picture

Schools are a lot different then when I went to school. Both times DS' teachers called me for issues the teachers were almost timid. DS was caught cheating on a quiz & I was flabbergasted to have the teacher actually ask for permission to give him a zero. I said of course he gets a zero; he cheated. I literally heard a sigh of relief. I can't imagine how difficult it is for them to deal with all these special snowflakes and their enablers. 

Rags's picture

Not going to school and refusing to do the work should rain hell and misery down on this kid to such an extent that he would burst into tears and shake uncontrollably at the very thought of having to stay home rather than going to school.  The same applies to completing his work in a home school scenario.

Bring the pain and the only option of living in abject misery or going to school and completing his work.

The idiot BM and morons who came up with the idea of making school fun for a kid who is being a dipshit are just stupid.


nappisan's picture

NO WAY to giving her bribe money for something she has to do !!!!! that will just open the flood gates to hell by doing that!  drag her kicking and screaming every single day and it wont be long before her peers tell her she is acting like a dick.  I knew someone who had similar issues and they arranged with the school to sit in the back of the class on a daily basis just to be a pain in the ass for their son who refused to do any work ,,, it lasted four days before the kid complied and behaved and did what he was told 

Rags's picture


Public humiliation is a great behavior modification tool for ill behaved hell spawned shit kids.


Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Consequences for poor school performance only work if the child has firm consistent parents who have instilled the importance of education in Thier child from the beginning.

If at 14 this is not the case, changing the status quo now will only be met with further defiance.

With DS during remote learning, his teacher didn't think twice about emailing me at work to tell me DS wasn't paying attention and was playing on his phone. I immediately called DS and read him the riot act.

DS complied because he knew he was caught and that there would be consequences if it continues. This is because he has learned this from  past experience.

YSD on the other hand, the school spoke with SO and BM and suggested YSD be made to make up her missed work on her own time because that's a natural consequence. 

YSD doesn't listen to SO or BM because nothing happens to her when she doesn't. SO and BM had no intentions of trying to make YSD do her work.  Once the school came to realize that they did not have the cooperation or support of the parents. The school lowered Thier standards and expectations to being happy if YSD showed up.

The school can only do so much. 

Rags's picture

They should have out right failed her, forced her into summer school in order to continue with her class, or held her back a year.  Lather, rinse, repeat until she either gets her shit together and graduates, drops out, or gets expelled.