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princessandthepee's picture

Step parenting and a second marriage continue to be challenging! And now, seven years after I was active on this site my own kids are teenagers, same as my husband's were when we got together. My husband's daughter, whom I named Princess on this blogs all those years ago is now almost 28. Married, two kids of her own, financially independent from us, not the state, but from us thank god.  My step son will be 26 this year and things are as bad with him as ever. He asked a year and a half ago to move back in with us to "save" up money to buy a house. He promptly quit his job and has been sitting on his ass ever since. He goes out to buy fast food and alcohol. He's caused more fights, division and distance between my spouse and I inthe last year and a half than almost anything since 2015. I have been asking, demanding, pleading and raging at my spouse to force him to get a goddamn simple full time job. 
Pee, as I always referred to him, does nothing but sit on his ass, get drunk, smoke cigarettes and play with his guns (I hate his guns, they scare the shit out of me and what he might do with them). I forced a talk with them last Sunday giving a two week ultimatum to get a full time out of the house job in the next two weeks or leave. 
So far no action on his part. He's an angry, entitled person so everyday I worry about getting shot. My husband calls his guns a hobby. I see him as an everyday threat. 
Just venting, so glad steptalk is still here. And I recognize a few old names, hey, Rags!


notsurehowtodeal's picture

What was the ultimatum? If he doesn't leave, what are you going to do?

And you are right to be concerned about the guns. Alcohol and firearms are not a good combination.

I am sorry that after all this time you are still having to fight the battle...

Kes's picture

Sorry things are still bad.  Like you, I have a SKID nearly 26, suffering from failure to launch - thankfully she is doing that at NPD BM's house, not ours. I don't think in your place I would have ever agreed to SS moving in, but that's water under the bridge now - you need to get him out asap.  If he wants to be a lazy, gun-toting, boozing cuckoo, he can do it in his own place, not freeloading off you and DH.  

charlieskeeper1's picture

You are entitled to feel physically safe in your own home. If you feel intimidated & scared, that is not a place to be.

Your conditions either need to be tougher e.g. the guns must go in storage, away from your home, or the lad leaves. Simple as that.

Then, the bringing money in element needs to kick in within a defined period & if he doesn't he needs to leave & seek support elsewhere. He is an adult & should be treated as such & act as such. You are well within your right to lay down criteria. Your hubby needs to step-up & spell this out & be prepared to instigate consequences i.e. kick him out. If your hubby won't you may have no choice but to walk away from the marriage. You have needs too & feeling unsafe, disrespected & manipulated in your own home is no way live.

tog redux's picture

I remember you! My SS21 is also a Failure to Launch, but at BM's. 

Sounds like this won't work without support from DH, and you have none. Please don't stay in a home where you feel you might be shot. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Did your husband back you up? Will he throw his son out?

In a case like yours I would even give him enough money for a couple of weeks at an extended stay motel to get him the heck out of my house. That would be the end of my financial giving but if it would get him out of the house, it would be worth it 100%!

SMto2's picture

Yes, I remember you, too. I'm so sorry you're still dealing with awful SS circumstances. I agree that this SS needs to launch. I would not stay where I felt unsafe. In our home, our ammo is kept under lock and key by DH.

SMto2's picture

Yes, I remember you, too. I'm so sorry you're still dealing with awful SS circumstances. I agree that this SS needs to launch. I would not stay where I felt unsafe. In our home, our ammo is kept under lock and key by DH.

Merry's picture

So what happens at the end of the two weeks when your SS is still sitting on his ass? Do YOU leave? I absolutely would. Your DH needs a great big wakeup call. In fact, I'd likely leave now given the gun and alcohol situation.

If your DH isn't willing to insist on changes, then you must. Or resign yourself to live in fear with this loser forever. The options sound extreme, but I really don't see any middle ground here.

princessandthepee's picture

This is really different now, doing this from my phone instead of a laptop and the steptalk site is so different!

princessandthepee's picture

Well, I'm pretty resolute that he has to go. I played the him or me card about nine months ago and my husband chose him.  I didn't really want my marriage to end so I folded. I had to delete pee from contacts after that because I was enraged and sent him text telling him how much dischord he was creating in our marriage. I don't know if he gave a shit or not. I had him blocked, so if he ever replied I never recieved it. And he's a cowardly slouch who never looks you in the eye or expresses amything at all, except when he's drunk. Again, don't know if this goes out to all, which I hope it does, or is private.

princessandthepee's picture

I had no idea so many people were still on the site! I remember you all, now seeing your usernames! How are you all doing????

And thanks to all whom I haven't met yet for responding. Sometimes, for me at least, life becomes a rabbit hole of misery and it becomes very difficult to reach out, respond or really do anything constructive.  

I will also give responses to you all, as you have done for me. Things would just work better all around the world if we all did give and receive. But we don't.

Tonight my spouse made a simple dinner and we sat down to watch the news. It's my foremost addiction this past year. I live in the "United" States. I usually eat later, so my husband dished up, this weekend my now 18 and 15 yr are at their dad's so it was just pee, my spouse and me.  So my husband let pee know it was ready. A dinner for four was left empty after pee dished up and retreated to his room, which is shuttered by a beautiful oak door he broke and split down the middle one night shortly after he moved back in due to some immature arguement he had with princess. 

My husband was aghast that pee had done that, but I wasn't. One, what else would pee do? Two, pee knows very well how much I resent him and would not have necessarily felt comfortable asking if I had dished up. Yep, we don't sit at the table together except when forced to by holidays.


My husband had literally just complained to me the previous day about how my 15 yr old eats things without a sense of proportion to the rest of the family, which he does do.

I took the opportunity. I reminded him of the talk we had with pee last Sunday and said there are nine days left until he has a full time out of the house job or he moves out. My husband said he had been looking forward to a nice evening and went to bed. 

I get it, it's a drag to have confront stepkid reality. I don't like it when he presents valid issues about my kids to me. But I deal with them, at least I continue talking with them. This shit has been going on for a year and a half. 

I haven't heard him clicking, cleaning or cocking his guns today. He truly scares the shit out of me and confronting this, forcing the issue has only been because I recognize how much I have let him hijack my mental health the last year and a half. And I'm done. 

Sometimes I want all the kids out to make space for our marriage, but I know that's flawed. Really I just want his 25 yr old the fuck out and my kids as they graduate into independence.  

There just is so much more I could write.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

His behavior with the guns is not normal. I have lots of gun owners in my family. They use the guns for work or hunting or marksmanship. They clean them after they use them and then put them away. They do not spend hours just "playing" with the guns - that is not normal behavior. I think you have every right to be concerned with this, especially since Pee has demonstrated he lashes out physically when he is angry.

I don't see where you have much of a choice to either move out or have DH and Pee move out. The problem is, you need to be careful how you go about doing it since there is a possibility that Pee may become dangerous. If you decide to force the issue, do you have somewhere you and your kids could go temporarily in order to stay safe?

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can see why you are putting off forcing the issue - but I think you are reaching a point where you are going to have to deal with it as it is affecting your mental and physical health.

StepUltimate's picture

Same with my experience; it's not normal to be constantly handling his piece (and how is this jerk even affording any ammo right now at these prices unless its a frickin pellet gun?!) and it sounds like this man-baby is being a passive-agressive d*ck.

Time to fly the nest.

My $0.02

WonderWoman00's picture

My SS 13 has had such a weird fascination with guns since I've known him for 6 years now. EVERYTHING is a gun, he can't play without thinking he has a gun and making it sound like a gun. I have told DH from the get go this is not right and he needs help. DH blew it off as a growing thing and being a boy. Well that all blew up in his face now. Not even going to say what happened but extensive counseling is being done. So if you have a feeling something ain't right believe it!