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Feel like a bad wife

donewithdrama35's picture

Morning All,

Just feeling guilty this morning... I feel like I'm just adding to DH's stress level and not being supportive. I KNOW my no-longer existent relationship with SD18 has caused some strain in our marriage. I'm guessing many of you can relate. When she's not here everything is usually great between us but when she's here my entire energy changes... I'm nervous, irritable and just all around not myself. Whether she's in a good mood or a bad mood I'm just as unhappy. I admit I'm a person who can hold a grudge. I can't forget about the selfish and intentional things she did over the last few years to cause trouble in my marriage and a couple of really big things that we're never addressed on my end or apologized for on hers.

Anyways... it's just hard. My DH knows I hate his daughter. I never wanted it to be this way. I met her when she was 12 and I worked SO hard to get this kid to like me... and then finally she did! From 14 to almost 16 she was like my shadow. We did so much together. I took her shopping, pedicures, movies, amusement parks. I picked her up from after school activities and brought her to her friends houses. I dropped her off on first dates and was there for her during first break-ups. But then things changed dramatically.

When DH and I first got engaged everything was still great and she seemed so happy! But it was shortly after that time that things went downhill. BM went even more psycho bi#$h on DH and stirred up all sorts of crap. Knowingly or not SD was her little pawn who played into so much of the drama. Constantly bringing the "mom" topic into her home and lives. But it was really when BM claimed to be an alcoholic (honestly totally bull- this was a pathetic cry for attention. she is NOT an alcoholic) and just had to go away for 3 months to rehab. My SD was a NIGHTMARE during those months. This should have been a happy time in our lives... planning our small wedding and honeymoon. But nope- SD wouldn't allow it. It was always "DH isn't doing enough to help BM during her time of need" and "I don't allow DH to help BM so it's my fault". I honestly reconsidered my entire life choices during this time as I didn't know if I could have this person in my life forever.

Things got better shortly thereafter but then there was her behavior that completely spoiled our wedding day and that was the end for me. Too long of a story to get into at the moment. I hated her from that day on. That was 2 1/2 years ago. I can't get over it. Just the sound of her voice annoys me now. I've talked to therapists, read books, REALLY tried to change my feelings. But the problem is she's still a selfish, immature, nasty little brat. Everything is on her terms and if she doesn't get her way- watch out. She's just plain and simply a bi#$h.

I tell my DH that by not calling her out or holding her accountable when she's wrong or rude it's only shaping her to be a bad person down the road. But DH really does have a ton of stress on his plate due to an entire family of issues and tends to just want to keep the peace and doesn't parent her. Now she's 18- almost 19 and I just hate the person she is and is becoming.

She's been home from college for a few weeks now and leaves in less than a week thank god but she'll be back. She was supposed to split up her time between our house and her precious mother's but that has happened as I mentioned in my last blog. I really try my best to just deal with her when she's here and not complain to my DH about her but I fail at that every time.

Right now between the incredible expense of repairing the used car he bought princess for X-MAS (which to be clear I was on board with- it gets her OUT of my house) and his Father being hospitalized last night for breathing issues he's super stressed out. Up until yesterday (because of course she had to be nice and speak to Dh to get her car back) SD was being a complete nightmare. Was pissed at DH so decided not to speak a word for nearly 2 days and make everyone uncomfortable. Then she gets the car back and she's all laughy and happy. He just goes with it and it pisses me off so bad. But when I said something he got really upset and told me he just needs me to supportive right now.

UGH- I have so many mixed emotions and selfishly I feel sorry for myself today too. I know I willingly chose this situation but of course in a perfect world I'd have him and she wouldn't exist. In a few years she's graduated college and on her own and our plan is to buy a home down south to move to permanently in the next probably 5-10 years things will be a lot better. I'll only have to deal with the occasional visits. Until then- at least I get a few months off in between which does help a lot. I just wish so much that things were different but how do I change how I feel? How do you force yourself not to despise someone?

My husband is a great husband and he's a loving Father... but I just don't think he's done a good job of teaching (or enforcing) the rules, manners, or punishing her when she was younger and deserved it. Now it might just be too late.

Going to do my best to just hang in there the next few days and try to be supportive especially with my Father-in-Law's health situation. No idea what's going on but hope to find out more today. Thanks all for listening- I just needed to clear my mind this morning.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

Idk, i feel like the whole "With everything i have on my plate, can't you just be supportive? I can't have anything adding to my stress!" is a way to shut you down and make it so only his feelings matter right now.

My SO uses that a lot. It's like, ok, in an emergency situation I can drop everything, turn my feelings off, and only focus on SO and making his situation better. But - if day to day life for him has so much drama it requires me to shut off my brain and just be his little support bot - nope.

Anyway, i got a little stuck on that one part. I can't stand to hear that phrase, though. As far as SD, if you think that within the next few years, she will be graduated, on her own, and not as big a factor in your life, it may be worth it to stick around. Idk if i could live with such a dramatic and negative influence in my life, either. 

donewithdrama35's picture

Yeah... I have to admit he does use it a lot. Now it might be true... it does seem he always has some kind of stress between the kids or his parents health, etc. But you're right- it doesn't mean that I don't feel it all to.

I do strongly believe SD will do well in school and graduate... potentially go on for further schooling as she wants to be a lawyer (shocking choice for her personality-LOL).

Day to day life with DH is actually really good... it's ONLY hard when she's here.

tog redux's picture

He's not a great husband if he's allowing his daughter to mistreat you and not setting limits on her.  You have every right to stand up for limits being placed on her so that you are not disrespected in your own home. You also have the right to ask that she not be allowed to stay for the whole break.

Being a bad father (he may love her very much, but he's not a good father) inevitably leads to being a bad partner in a step situation. He puts his daughter's feelings above yours.  I'd argue you are not only NOT a bad wife, you need to stand up for yourself more, and stop feeling sorry for DH and excusing why he can't set limits on his kid.

donewithdrama35's picture

Well I wouldn't say that she's specifically mis-treating me... I just think in general she's a witch and I hate it when she's here. I do agree that he needs to put her in her place and show some manners in general (ex. saying good morning when she walks out of her room in the AM or saying thank you for dinner). Perhaps I do need to stand up for myself more... I've never been good at that.

tog redux's picture

Right, him allowing her to treat you that way is her disrespecting you in your own home.  

futurobrillante99's picture

Some people like to portray their lives as SO hard and so full of chaos that there is NEVER a good time to care about your needs or feelings. Your husband sounds like one such man.

I understand the duties we have as parents and children to look out for our children and parents, but the spousal relationship is special. Your needs and feelings should not be consistently subjugated by the needs and feelings of others. YOURS are supposed to be primary. He can attend to others, but YOU should be primary in his life - not brushed aside.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I'm truly sorry for what you are experiencing. I completely understand. I did the same for OSD treated her like my BFF took her skiing, horseback riding, trips, paid for and took her and her friends places. Just for one day her to completely turn on me and inact so much hatred directed at me as well as chaos in my home and on my my relationship with SO. 

No I will never forget what she did.  I will never forgive her because she has never attempted to nor do I believe she will ever admit any wrong doing on her part.  She has never shown a shred of remorse. Just her fake let's be friends until you say something to me I don't like or don't give me what I want. 

I have found peace with my situation though. Like the Italian woman used to say when I was growing up "She is dead to me"  I am not the one who is uncomfortable in my home when she is there, she is.  Although I am never mean or rude to her, I pay her no mind. I treat her like she is some stranger just staying in my house.