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MIL from Hell

TheBlindside's picture

My MIL is a complete nightmare. She undermines my DH constantly and has made lots of derogatory and racially abusive remarks to me (DH white, I am asian)

At the last occasion at their home it was so bad that I decided I should just leave earlier then planned in order to not escalate the situation. When my DH and I got to leave she stood in front of me and said you can’t leave until this is sorted out and would not let me pass. It escalated and my DH has to physically stand between us because she is so aggressive - I became very upset and left. The SD was upstairs (sulking) and asked MIL what happened so she promptly burst into tears and said I was being abusive to her in her home - what a psycho manipulative bi**h!


MIL used to be in an extreme religious Cult in her late 20s/early 30s and married a man who was also part of the group. They had my DH and then divorced. She has always treated my DH as ‘second class’ - maybe he reminds her of her Ex, who knows? She also found out about some abuse when he was younger and did nothing - the abuse then persisted for years and has had a massive impact - something that she’s totally clueless about because she is SO self-centred.


MIL encourages bad behaviour in both of The SDs and then tries to ‘help them’ she makes it impossible to have any sort of boundaries - she always acts like she is mother to SDs; she’s failed at parenting, quite spectacularly already, she is always over compensating but always she’s achieved in spoiling them to a point SDs are selfish, rude and obnoxious - really difficult people to be around and certainly not people I would ever choose to associate with.


MIL has gone way overboard with her racial comments this time saying that an ill black baby should have died so a white baby can be treated in that hospital bed - she is a total and utter POS !!!! I’ve never been so angry at another person - she is a real despicable excuse for a human

At least my DH witnessed this and now realised what a POS his own mother is. It is extremely difficult for him as she has never really accepted him for who he is and refuses to tell him anything about his biological father. 

I have totally disengaged from MiL and toxic SDs for the last 3 months. Any suggestions what I can do to help me and DH cope with our current set up? Thankfully they live about 1 hour drive away and I have point blank said to DH that none of them are welcome in my home so I don’t need to see them - however, he’s being traumatised by them on alternate weekends. I have deleted and blocked them all on all social media etc 

i am worried about events like Xmas (I know it’s months away!) - we have SDs on alternate Xmas but I don’t want them in my home. Also they have bedrooms here (that they stay in 2 nights per year - I know some of you will say I’m v lucky!!) I’m thinking of converting the rooms - one is earmarked for a future nursery! Although MIL will have an issue with 50% brown baby - she can kiss my skinny brown butt - she’ll see any child of mine over my dead body!


do others have a MIL that intefers in the DH/SM/SKids relationship to the point it is beyond repair??


notasm3's picture

If he allows others to traumatize him he needs intense therapy.  Even his own bio mother.

TheBlindside's picture

He has previously had 2 years of therapy - very eye opening for him. However, his mother was not interested and went as far as kicking him out of her hole when he tried to discuss his bio dad.

TheBlindside's picture

*home not hole - but that works too!! 

second1's picture

Is BM not in the picture and why does MIL have the girls?  Unless she has guardianship of them for some reason I would refuse to allow her to see the children and would inform BM of the same including the reason for the decision.  If she is using that kind of hate language and showing such ignorance around the SD's I don't think any court would allow them to stay with her.  Just be sure to keep a journal over the language and the racist comments.  If she keeps this up you are not going to be able to even let the SDs around the baby when you have one.  They've heard these comments for so long they probably think of believe those issues.  I am so sorry but this is definitely a hill to die for. 


As for DH's father, does he have his name on his birth certificate?  If not, you could look up the divorce where their divorce was filed to get that information.  With the internet, etc. it might be easy to get information as to his dad's location, etc.

TheBlindside's picture

BM and Skids live 15 mins from in-laws so Skids are at the in laws house a lot. We, thankfully, live over an hour away.


i think I will start a notebook of things that have been said - when I sit down and start thinking of things there’s so many over the years!


i managed to find details of MIL first marriage (which no-one new about, including DH!) via website ... we have DH biodad name but it such a common name that we can’t get any further without some additional info which MIL is not willing to disclose.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

I am really sorry you are going through this. You MIL is a nasty piece of work and you have done the right to cut her out of your life. Keep her out!  I understand she is your DH's mother - if he needs to interact with her, let it be outside of your presence. Within your own home, agree to rules or boundaries for the visiting SD and have your DH enforce them. It is the least he can do to protect you from an SD egged on by Grandma Nutter.

Even though I am getting divorced now, I haven't spoken to or had anything to do with my MIL (second husband's mother) for years. She is a crass insensitive bigot and racist! Well before the the run up to the Brexit referendum she voiced (drunkenly and often) the  "issue" with "unwanted foreigners". She made it patently clear that I was part of the problem and so was my son.  I was born  in the UK, my grandfathers were both British and both of my parents were born in the UK. (My grandfathers both married foreign brides after World War 2. My grandmothers were Greek and Swedish. "Foreign trash".)  My son(13) - not her grandson -  is "foreign Euro trash" as his father was Swiss.  My son needed to go back to "where he belonged"... So yes, I cut the cut the crazy out of my life and banned her from my home. I wont stand for any racist and bigotted crap from anyone.  MIL wasnt invited to any family gatherings. I did the same with my SD (then 18)  - a whole different set of equally disturbing problems.

I married my husband  who doesnt share the putrid views of his mother. I had to make accommodations concerning his children, but I wasnt prepared to budge one iota on MIL and her rancid lunatic view. She was welcome to have them - outside of anything connected to me or my family. 

I know its hard, but this woman is not worth your time and energy. Dont focus on her or even attempt to understand what goes on in her head. Just deal with things as they relate to your family.   

TheBlindside's picture

Since Brexit I have noticed a real difference in people’s attitude - I have had more racist attitude towards me in the last 2 years then I have the previous 40... people, including MIL, seem to believe it has sanctioned their vile opinions and now openly degrade people. 

I’m trying my best to not focus on racial insults from MiL - but to be honest I am really struggling with it. On one occasion DH said ‘thats Just what people from that generation are like’ (!!!!!) and ‘it’s not there fault they read the daily mail (very right wing narrow minded newspaper) and are just repeating what they have read’ ... DH makes situation worse sometimes :(

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

The vile attitudes have nothing to do with you personally. It is from a bigoted and hateful mind - and it is a choice to hold those views - and you have ended up on the receiving end. 

My parents - and possibly yours - are most likely from that same generation. Do your parents hold those views? I can tell you that mine certainly don't. It is unfair to paint a generation of people with the same brush as an excuse to cover for the way  MIL thinks. She is entitled to her own opinion - certainly, but you don't have to tolerate it or be around it.

Racial insults do hurt. They are nasty and ugly. However they say more about the person hurling the insult than the person on the receiving end. At least she is open and honest about who she is. Many people are far more sly and covert about their racism and bigotry.

I really am sorry you have this to deal with. You can protect yourself from MIL if you dont have contact with her and ask your husband to not mention her or discuss her life/views/visits/whatever with you.  If he wants to have a relationship with her, let him. She is his mother after all even if she is a vile creature. There is no reason for you to interact with her or be around her. 


queensway's picture

OMG there isn't enough  booze or chocolate in this world to live in this family. This family is highly dysfunctional and needs help. You need a very good and highly qualified therapist to help you.

momjeans's picture

do others have a MIL that intefers in the DH/SM/SKids relationship to the point it is beyond repair??

Ooooooh yes. It would be easier if you just read my previous blogs, to get an idea the kind of MIL I have. 

Weird previous cult life aside, my MIL sounds alot like yours. I have observed my MIL in regards to race - she’s definitely covertly racist - keeps token acquaintances of different races around to make herself look superior and saint-like. It’s quite sickening. 

She also inserts herself quite a bit with skid when she’s here for visitation, which I’m pretty okay with because I’m disengaged. But - it’s overboard and actually quite an unhealthy attachment. My MIL is a codependent enabler and a narcissist. 

I would recommend staying disengaged, going full no-contact even. There is no virtue in trying to have a relationship with DH’s mother at this point. Just focus on being a constant source of emotional support for him.

TheBlindside's picture

I have gone full non-contact for 3 months. Friends and work colleagues have commented to me that I look happier then ever and keep asking what’s changed!! Easy, I got rid of the excess garbage that was constantly weighing me down!! Smile

mommadukes2015's picture

First off-f*ck her. If you ever wonder how to spell ‘jealous’ it’s M-I-L. 

And um, well that is it. 

Your post did make me think of this patient I had once, his father was Nigerian and his mother Philipeno. Most gorgeous human being I have ever seen in my life. The way his features blended together just created a person that was just so nice to look at. He had the delicate features you see in many aisian cultures but his skin was this deep velvelty chocolate color and his eyes were bright bright green with straight jet black hair. I just remember thinking you rock-on genes! 


I just dont don’t get some people. I personally like some cultural umph in the gene pool. If she has issues with her potential future grandchild then that is 100% her issue. You will raise that baby not to take any crap from racist bigots like her. Her loss really. 

TheBlindside's picture

...Yes, Amen to that!!

her toxic, self-centred attitude is not new ...This particular incident has really got under my skin (even a year later thinking about it I can feel my blood boiling) I think mainly because the super cute African baby didn’t make it and we had all fought so hard for him and everyone was devasted and then she starts spouting her racist BS and I felt like slapping her 

TheBlindside's picture

All for your comments - I’m glad to know I’m not alone,  I feel like I have found some kindred spirits on this website Smile


notasm3's picture

DH said ‘thats Just what people from that generation are like’ 

That really pisses me off.  She is probably younger than I am, but we are most likely in the same generation.  I am 71.  My generation in the US is the one who supported getting rid of racial crap. I went to school in an area known for it's horrid segregation battles (Alabama) - my generation was the one pushing for integration and equal rights for all races.

Now that may be true for the generation above me - but they are almost all dead now - 90+.  But I've seen former bigots undergo a radical transformation when faced with reality.

I have relatives who thought that "colored" people were different - until they had bi-racial grandchildren.  What a difference.  These children became the loves of their life and were truly the chosen children.  As one of my relatives said "we have this pasty white skin - their chocolate complextion is so much more attractive."  And it is.  But we are all okay no matter what color we are.