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donewithdrama35's picture

Hey All! Happy New Year! Or atleast it will be when SD heads back to college next week. It's been a struggle for me with her her here. If you've read my past blogs this isn't much different. I blog simply to vent to people who get it as I'm assuming most on here do. Soooo... SD was supposed to split up her time here according to HER between our house and her Mother's... that hasn't happened. Can't enforce really since she's an "adult". It's her choice. But in my opinion she creates a toxic environment which I've stated before makes me feel physically ill... I deal with IBS and my God she makes my stomach so sick from nerves I can't take it. 

Anyways... here's the latest and maybe some of you guys have dealt with it?? My OSS now 24 has supposedly had depression / bi-polar since I've known him (16) and used to cut himself. Wicked long story short we had alot of difficult years... did our best to help him and now he's kind of better but not really. The difference is he's a sweet and loving kid for the most. That time in the muck of it all was a nightmare though. It really tested our relationship. Now I'm reliving it. SD18 is now cutting herself as well. My DH had noticed some marks on her arms and asked her about it but she is very standoff-ish when he does. Yesterday I noticed some bloody tissues in the bathroom and said something to him about it. After we talked he correctly decided to go talk to her and be a bit more direct letting her know this isn't OK and she needs to talk to him about what's going on. She also talks to a therapist at her College so not that we haven't been trying to help her. 

When he went to talk to her about it she was awful to him. Just told him off pretty much... "you don't understand me"... "I talk to Mom and she understands me"... well not to be totally insensitive but WHY ARE YOU HERE THEN???? Go stay at your Mothers! Listening to the way she treats my husband.. who only just cares and is concerned about her?? If he's so awful and Mom is just wonderful then again... why are you here?? Maybe she can help her or give her what she needs... obviously we can not. I want to be clear that DH is not hard on these kids... he doesn't yell at them or pressure them. He's supportive and loving... it angers me that she portrays him as anything else. It's a lie. He is not the reason she is doing this to herself...and if he is it's not his doing.

So basically last night was uncomfortable. She stormed off after DH tried to talk to her and express his concerns. I don't even know who picked her up... didn't really care. Even though we've been in the house together all day (me upstairs working from home in my room and her downstairs in her lair) I haven't seen her. DH had to work late (convenient for him!!) so I'm stuck alone with her here. We are separate but my nerves and stomach are still feeling her presence overall. 

Have any of you ever dealt with this whole "cutting" thing? I don't understand it or sympathize to it. To me it is stupid and a snowflake response to a "hard world" and "hard life" which is just total BS most of the time. I just have no idea what the right reponse is here. I know DH is doing the best he can and I can't blame him for not knowing all the answers as I cleary don't either. Really never thought it would be something I'd deal with. But now again... 

Man I hope 2021 gets better!! LOL. 


1dad4kids's picture

Cutting is rarely just that- at the very least it's a cry for attention. She is an adult, away to school and has just started cutting herself? Something is going on. Your DH shouldn't be saying "it's not okay" either. I'm hopeful that was you paraphrasing. 

I'm no expert, but I knew cutters in my younger days and all but one of them ended up being sexual assault victims. I think a bit more counseling is in order for her. 


donewithdrama35's picture

I don't think there has been any sort of "sexual assault"... she's only 18 and her brother did it too. She absolutely needs more counseling- agreed. And yes- he did tell her its "not okay". Not in a sense that she's not "ok" but more that this type of behavior/action isn't something we can just ignore/accept.

Dogmom1321's picture

1. She needs therapy

2. DH needs to be clear about her living situations (house rules, timeline, contributions to the house) etc. if she plans on being there.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Cutting in adolescence is more common than you would think. But I agree with the above, there is something she is not dealing with and doesn't have the coping skills to deal with. She needs counseling. 

tog redux's picture

Why can't you enforce whether she stays in your home, of course you can - but DH would have to do it. Cutting is common now and can be a sign of Borderline Personality Disorder if it goes on into adulthood. She needs a good therapist. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Agree about forcing her to split time with BM. DH and I both told OSS he had to go spend time with BM, including overnight around Christmas. I know he doesn't like it, but it's a good reminder of "this is your family home, but this isn't your house, amd you need to start planning for your house".

donewithdrama35's picture

The whole living situation is a tough one. As much as I don't want her here I kind of get where DH is coming from. Both of my step-sons chose to live with us FT when they were home from college the second they turned 18. We didn't have any issue with it. I love both of my stepsons- they have their issues like any kids and cause drama from time to time BUT they are both loving and sweet to me. She's the devil incarnate. HUGE difference! LOL.

But my point is... how does he tell her she HAS to split up her time when we didn't (don't currently with middle ss)?? It makes it obvious that it's just her. I don't have a problem with that but DH will. He will feel guilty and there already poor relationship will be worse.

I did however have a talk with him this morning. I just told him that I can't live like this with her here and the uncomfortable awkward tension she creates. I told him that he needs to speak with her about her attitude and how WE aren't going to allow this in our house. I told him that I feel physically sick here all the time when she's around as I'm so nervous. It was hard for him to hear but I needed to say it.

Thanks for all the feedback regarding the cutting... in a way it makes me feel slightly better that it's somewhat common. I agree that WAYYYY more therapy is in order... I don't know what could possibly be so wrong in this privileged child's life but clearly there is something and we just don't get it unfortunately...