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I see a Full blown Pending disaster coming my way! HELP! Advice needed

Sarahsteal's picture

Ok I already posted that SS13 is a level ten daddy clinger with NO Relief in sight. Plus SS13 is a total Entitled spoiled disrespectful brat. It's pure Hell when SS13 over. 
 

Now DH Casually mentioned to me he's going to tell SS13 if SS13 has any questions or problems understanding his HW this year to call DH ANYTIME. I Immediately in my head went to panic mode! Why? To begin with SS is lazy, plays dumb and hates doing HW. When SS is over DH has to sit with him and walk SS through EVERYTHING. What should take ten minutes takes HOURS. Now add SS knows DH will basically hold his hand through all his HW. 
 

So here is my FEAR. SS13 will be calling DH on almost EVERYTHING expecting DH to stay on the phone with him for hours walking him through HW. Now between my job and SS's normal visits DH and I get very little alone time. Now I have to worry on those free evenings the brat will be calling daddy for HW help.
 

Now EVEN worse I can see SS13 wanting to come over and have DH help him on harder projects. There goes my free Saturday afternoon with DH. Then of course SS will want to take breaks inbetween school work to have play time with daddy. There goes my whole free Saturday with DH. Yes I'm jumping ahead BUT I know Step brat and this WILL happen if I can't prevent it somehow. 
 

So help! How if anything can I try and discourage DH from opening this can of worms? If this does not work what kind of "rules" can I set ahead of time with DH so this does NOT become a free for all calling/coming over when ever SS wants???

SeeYouNever's picture

I wouldn't worry if he hates homework as much as you say then he's not going to put as much time into it as you fear. If he does end up calling your husband for every little thing I would suggest to your husband that he help him but make sure that he is not doing it for him. Frame it as you are concerned about SS13 needing to be able to do this stuff on his own for tests in the future. 

What kind of courses is a 13-year-old taking? You may find that your DH does not want to to stay up to date in all these topics. You can also count on ss13 forgetting most of his materials. 

Other than that do not ask SS or DH about homework ever. Just mentioning it will remind them that it exists and will make them work on it. Again if SS hates homework as much as you say then it's doubtful that he is going to bring this up on his own. What you have to do is avoid reminding your DH about school work. If you remind him he's going to ask SS and then your fears are going to come true.

ESMOD's picture

I would take this very hands off approach and hoped that it does resolve itself.  I would also do as another poster mentioned and if it turns into SS coming over with projects constantly.. I would be outa there with a fun plan for myself.

If it does end up being a LOT of calls though.. you could gently suggest that "Gee... it seems that SS is having such a hard time grasping his lessons.  Do you think that he might benefit from some one on one time with a tutor?"  Get the kid locked into hours a week with a tutor.. lol.. 

The bottom line is that it's tough to tell a parent to not support their education.. BUT.. if it's more than a mild push over small bumps to help him along.. fine.  If the kid needs constant help.. he needs more instruction.

justmakingthebest's picture

This might be a little underhanded or passive aggressive but I would start leaving the house when SS shows up for weekend projects. 

SS walks in your put on shoes and head out "You boys have  fun, I am going to head over to ____ for a while". If it were me, I would pick DH's favorite brewery. Just book in hand heading out to enjoy the weather with a nice beer. 

Whatever it is that you guys usually do together- leave to do it. Movies, coffee shop, ____ - whatever. Grab a book and head out. 

He will figure it out fast- You aren't going to participate in your weekend being ruined because SS can't handle internet school and BM isn't doing her job by helping him on her weekends. 

Evil3's picture

It's possible that the problem will take care of itself. My SD31 was and still is the clingiest cling-on in the universe. Although she was a straight A student, when it came to homework, she never knew what to do. Well, that was her claim. Even while at BM's, SD would constantly contact DH to have her hand held during homework. She overwrote everything several times, so it would take her hours to do 15 minutes of homework. After only two evenings of this, DH snapped at the little princess. Yes, even my mutually obsessed DH couldn't take it anymore. SS was something like 8 and even he said at the time that SD was manipulating because how come she "just never knows what to do?" I just about died laughing because an 8 year old called it. Anyway, DH lost it and referred SD to BM on her nights. That provided a break on BM nights at least. She still tried to dominate DH while on Dad time but DH got fed up after the first night and told sd that at such and such a time he's going to spend time with SS.

I'm telling you my story because even with the most obsessed enmeshed daddies, there's hope that they'll get pissed off and put a stop to it. In your case, you have a male SK and he's a teenager now. Your SO is going to start getting frustrated that his son is such a p*ssy and might do something about it when his wife does not want to get jiggy jiggy with him due to not getting any one on one time. Not that I'm suggesting abstinence or anything.

Thisisnotus's picture

Oh god! It hasn't happened this year yet but OMG last year both SDs 17 and 12 would call all the time and DH would just sit on FaceTime while they did their homework.

super weird!

Sarahsteal's picture

So this being said if SS gets the idea in his head he can get more daddy time AND get daddy to walk him through his HW there is a VERY good chance SS will take DH up on this. 
 

DH would NEVER get frustrated with golden boy. If I acted like I was going out to have a good time every time SS came over Both DH and SS would love it. SS is jealous of any attention DH gives me so to have daddy alone would only Encourage this behavior. DH would love it because then SS and DH could have the house to them self's and do whatever they wanted without Me getting in the way

SteppedOut's picture

You are going to have to sit him down and tell him you need quality time with him. And further explain quality time does not include listening to him help his kid do his homework. 

Couples need quality time to connect and reconnect to ensure their relationship remains healthy. 

Rags's picture

If there is a visitation CO, put your foot down and force DH to abide by the part that is YOUR Skid free time. If there is no visitation CO... put your foot down firmly and demand that SO either pack his shit and get out or get a lawner and get his ass to court for a visitation CO.

This is a hill to die on IMHO.

I get that breeders have this visceral need to be with their spawn. However, those of us married to them do not have this visceral condition regarding the failed family breeding stock and our right to SKid free couple focus time is backed by the CO that clearly distributes parenting time between the breeders.  Invasion of the non skid time in our relationship and home needs to be defended against to the fullest extent.

In the event that we have married a partner who agreed to an EWE schedule, that crap needs to end immediately and the opposition parent needs to have half of the weekend Skid time.  The beauty of the NCP's situation is that the NCP has no requirement to comply with the CO as far as taking their visitation is concerned.

So, the manipulations of your Skid to milk your time with your DH need to be confronted. Every time. BM needs to own HW time on her time and not pawn the whole process off on dad.

IMHO of course.

Now, I understand that intact breeder couples do not have COs and are pretty much on as parents all of the time.  That is not necessarily the case in blended marriages. There should be zero tolerance for guilt ridden mommies or guilt ridden daddies to play any cards that invade Skid free time in their subsequent relationship.

Again, IMHO of course. 

1dad4kids's picture

Where I live the teachers aren't sending homework home. They're trying not to send anything home because of COVID. 

It may turn out to be a non issue