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Question when boys turn 18 WHO are they more likely want to live with mom or dad???

Sarahsteal's picture

Ok lazy Spoiled Entitled SS is NO WAY going to "launch" at 18. DH in trying to encourage SS to move in with us when he turns 18. Now BM will fight this because in our state child support goes to 21. BM loses SS she will lose $$$$.

So here is the Million dollar question....If A boy loves both parents and both parents want him to live with them when he turns 18 who do you think a boy will want to live with? What could if anything sway SS's Decision??

Im thinking ahead as I DON'T want that brat living with us after 18 so need to figure out HOW to make our place less Attractive to SS after he turns 18
 

 

shellpell's picture

Don't you have any say in who lives in your home? Especially another adult? No way in hel1 would I let ss move in at 18. No way, no how.

Lndsy747's picture

I don't think boy/girl matters I'd say it's based on who will put the most pressure on him to live with them(BM) and who will give him the most freedom.

ndc's picture

I would think an 18 year old would prefer the house that's closest to his friends, most amenable to his friends coming over,  has the fewest rules, is most convenient to get to work/school/girlfriend's house, has the fewest chores and is generally the most comfortable (no annoying stepmother giving him the side eye on the regular,  for instance).  Teenagers are selfish, often lazy creatures, so whichever parent won't require too much of him, and does the most for him, is likely to be where he goes. There are always exceptions, of course. A kid who is very concerned about his mother may stay with her to make sure the CS train stays on the tracks. 

strugglingSM's picture

I agree with the comment above. The kid will likely want to live in whatever house has the least rules and least requirements. For example, if one home was charging rent, the child would likely avoid that home. Or if a home had a curfew, the child would likely avoid that home. 

In your circumstances, if the child feels loyalty to his mother, he will probably stay with her due to the CS pressure. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Wouldn't surprise me if BM tactics were also, "I'll give you ____ amount of money per month from CS."

Winterglow's picture

Start preparing the way for this NOW.

Be interested in what he intends to do after he turns 18 (you need the basic information to prepare an appropriate plan). Let him know all of the chores that would be his should he move in, if he isn't going to college then how much rent he'd be expected to pay, etc. All the things that a responsible adult just takes for granted because that's how things are in real life. But also, lay it on thick about how much you'd love him to be there - lie through your teeth so it doesn't look like you want rid of him Smile

tog redux's picture

Don't worry, he will live with BM. BM will make sure he's dependent and unable to function without her, so she can collect that paycheck.  At least that's what BM here did. 4 more CS payments - SS soon turns 21!  Wonder how BM will feel when she's supporting him all by herself, with no extra 1K a month.  I'm sure then he'll suddenly be able to get a job and his license.

1dad4kids's picture

Instead of encouraging your SS to move in w him, why doesn't he take him apartment shopping? Show him the perks of living alone. He'll be the coolest one of his friends, etc etc. 

My parents were very clear in our childhood, if you weren't in school you were out of the house at 18. Every single one of us launched. But, every single one of us moved back for at least a few months when we needed it. That was never an issue, none of us wanted to move back lol. 

Sandybeaches's picture

Not likely he would "WANT"to live with either.  It amazes me how our society has made kids dependent on their parents well into adulthood. 

Quite honestly no one should be making it comfortable for him to live with them.  If parents make it too comfortable they never move out.  At 18 he should be either going to school or if not working full-time somewhere.  Your SS is an adult at 18 and your DH should be asking you about who lives in your home.  If he has lived with BM right along then why wouldn't he stay there? There are many things you can do but the real question is, is your DH going to let you do them and will he enforce them?

Have rules, chores and make sure it is not a continuation of childhood.  He doesn't get to have friends over and till all hours.  It is your house and I am a firm believer that if an older child is living with their parents, it is a temporary situation.  They get a place to sleep, eat and shower etc.  They don't get full rein of the house and have friends over and be hanging in your living room like they did when they were 12.  They basically get to stay with you.  If they want all of that hoopla then I am sure they have friends with apartments they can hang out at or real insentive to get a job and get their own apartment so they can set their own rules.  

Me I was gone at 18 got married and had a baby.  That is the way it used to be.  People did not live with their parents into adulthood as they do now. Did your DH have a sit down with you and ask your feelings?  I would have a sit down with him and tell him how you feel and if SS comes there it is not going to be a continuation of his childhood!!

Sarahsteal's picture

1. I told DH SS will NOT live rent free with us. SS will be expected to get a job. SS will be expected to help around the house. I Reinforce this to DH ever few months or when DH brings up SS living with us at 18.  fact SS has been lazy Entitled brat his whole life I really don't think much will change in the next 4 years. SS will not want to do any of these things. BM will NOT expect any of these things as she's the main reason SS is such a spoiled brat. 

2. Right now "friends" are not that important to SS as he has few. No surprise there. BUT hoping this will improve when SS gets in high school. DH agreed when SS turns 18 we can move closer to my Elderly parents to help out. This will be 4 hours away from BM and the Neighborhood/ school SS grew up in. Hoping SS will want to stay with BM for this reason

tog redux's picture

So if DH is charging him rent and BM is getting money for him - of course he's going to live with BM, who won't make him work or charge him rent.

I wouldn't worry about him living with you, it won't happen.  The dark side of making CS go to 21 is that BM's like this make their children dependent in order to keep collecting it.

Thumper's picture

Depends, does BM receive awards from him? As in disability or child support? Possibly BOTH? I know of a few that do.

When that stops he will be given the OK by BM to go to dads. She has no need for him any longer.

Its mostly about the money. Isnt that a hell of a thing. Tell him to join the military. 3 hots, a cot and a pay check PLUS college if they want it.

 

 

 

IamBackUW's picture

I literally told my H that FBE is out of our home at 18. I made H agree. He better not go back on his word.

I expect FBE will move in with BH in the Dung Heap. It's none of my concern where he goes.

Rags's picture

Its a crap shoot though IMHO the odds are heavily in BM's favor.  If the umbillical cord has not been cut then BM had the advantage in an 18yo living with her.  If the kid is motivated and tends towards independence then he will in all liklihood not live with either parent and will likely be at school or working.  Either way, if CS goes to 21 DH is going to be paying BM until the kid turns 21 since a kid away at college is still a dependent and BM is the CP.

Just my thoughts of course.

Rags's picture

Its a crap shoot though IMHO the odds are heavily in BM's favor.  If the umbillical cord has not been cut then BM had the advantage in an 18yo living with her.  If the kid is motivated and tends towards independence then he will in all liklihood not live with either parent and will likely be at school or working.  Either way, if CS goes to 21 DH is going to be paying BM until the kid turns 21 since a kid away at college is still a dependent and BM is the CP.

Just my thoughts of course.

hereiam's picture

How big of a mama's boy is he? If BM doesn't want to let go of the CS, I'm sure she can convince him to stay with her.

tog redux's picture

Not only would she stop getting CS, she'd have to pay the father until the kid turns 21. Ain't gonna happen. 

BethAnne's picture

When my husband was in high school (I don't know his specific age) his parents divorced and asked him and his younger brother where they wanted to live. My husband chose to live with his father because he knew that his Dad would have expectations of him that would help him complete high school whereas he knew that his mother would not. He knew that if he lived with his mother it would be too tempting to not put much effort into high school and he risked dropping out. So he lived with his father and completed high school. 

Apparently not all kids will choose the rule free home. 

blended4213's picture

I think it depends on the parents. For me, hopefully SS would choose his mom because she allows him to do whatever he wants even if it's not in his best interest. DH is more strict but because he cares. But I've already made it clear, SS, or my own too, will not be living with us past high school. My marriage would not survive that long with his kids.

Jojo4124's picture

Give him a looong list of chores and expectations before he decides who he gets to mooch off of. If he won't work and/or go to school, he can be your call n becon boy. But you already know that he wont be made to do those chores. No consequences enforced.

So make it unattractive for your HUSBAND to allow mooch boy to move in. He never needs to set foot in your house with his entitlement.  Maybe turn the extra bedrooms into craft rooms. Or tell your hubby that you might move your Grandma in, etc lol. Or show dh posts on here that show because the boy is entitled, your marriage could eventually be in jeopardy if ss moves in....you would be protecting your marriage and sanity!

Honestly, living with disrespectful entitled skids is a special kind of HELL...and BM will always be involved when you hurt widdle ss feelings because you asked him to pick up his used....whatever.

Avoid him moving in at all costs! 

 

Jojo4124's picture

Give him a looong list of chores and expectations before he decides who he gets to mooch off of. If he won't work and/or go to school, he can be your call n becon boy. But you already know that he wont be made to do those chores. No consequences enforced.

So make it unattractive for your HUSBAND to allow mooch boy to move in. He never needs to set foot in your house with his entitlement.  Maybe turn the extra bedrooms into craft rooms. Or tell your hubby that you might move your Grandma in, etc lol. Or show dh posts on here that show because the boy is entitled, your marriage could eventually be in jeopardy if ss moves in....you would be protecting your marriage and sanity!

Honestly, living with disrespectful entitled skids is a special kind of HELL...and BM will always be involved when you hury ss feelings because you asked him to pick up his used....whatever.

Avoid him moving in at all costs!