You are here

New here looking for answers...Why and Why?!

Stepmomlanza's picture

I’ve been reading some Recent posts that I can really relate to. 

My DH is afraid to Discipline SD13. She is a total Spoiled brat and getting worse by the day. DH will ask SD to do something like brush her teeth,clean up her mess, go to bed ect.  If SD does it fine BUT if she digs in her heals and refuses DH will just let it go. There is NEVER any kind of Punishment regardless what she does. SD13 has HIT, swore and screamed at both DH and me and NO Consequences. Yes I’ve had MANY Arguments with DH over this and his Excuse is “if I push back to hard on her(SD) she will not want to come over anymore”. So basically DH spends every other weekend AND two days a week Tiptoeing around SD13. 

As I saw in another post SD is Horrible with HW. She refuses to do it without help. “Help” meaning DH reading her HW Assignment while she just sits there then DH “explains” meaning telling her what it said. DH   Basically tells SD the Answers and she just puts it in her  own words all while daddy is sitting right next to her. A lot of SD’s school work is done on line on something called “google classroom”. Recently DH started signing into SD’s account so he can read up/study on her next Assignments so he’s not doing it on his Precious daddy/Daughter time. Big WTF he should not be doing it at all. I have to wonder what the Teachers/guidance counselor would think if they knew this. I’ve explained this is NOT helping SD and DH just says I just need to get her caught up or my favorite I don’t think she understands what to do. SD now ONLY wants to do HW with DH. I can’t Imagine why (sarcastic).  DH “thinks” he’s teaching her study skills and I just think he’s teaching her how to get out of doing the work herself. Opinions????




OnlyHuman's picture

Welcome.  I'm newer to this site, too, but see a common theme amoung divorced dads wanting to cater to their kids   , even when it's to the detriment of their child and their relationship with their significant others, all in the name of not wanting to create friction with their kids, and with the false hope it will keep their kids close to them.  

I'm sure it must be a very conflicting position to be in for them, and yet I'll never understand that behavior either.  It's the LACK of parenting --the inability to set boundaries, not being consistent with messaging and enforcing consequences, the acceptance of terrible behavior at all cost--that has damaging effects which are far reaching and long-lasting. 

As a spouse or SO, we find ourselves accepting the unacceptable, over and over again, in essence reinforcing the very bad behavior that ruins the relationship with our DH and his (and yours) with the kids. 
Somebody stop the merry-go-round.  I want off!


Aunt Agatha's picture

Your SD is learning great skills though: how to manipulate dadeee, how to get someone else to do your work for you, how to be a failure to launch Princess...


I feel for you!

Aunt Agatha's picture



I feel for you!

CLove's picture

They will definitely get worse, as she gets older.

Her tantrums and manipulations will increase as she is not receiving the proper parenting, no repercussions for actions and shes pushing all the boundaries.

Your Dh is called a "Disney Dad", and his princess is growing up to be a mini-wife, and will soon (if she hasnt started yet) begin pushing you out. Disney Dads happen simply because they do not have the custody time and they are afraid to parent.

Kytrb71's picture

My SD17 dad is basically doing her HS work online for her from day one! She's technically a senior however when she was forced to come here to finish HS we discovered she's only completed 6 classes in 3 years.

Now he's obsessed with her finishing her last classes (yesterday I told him I could not deal with her anymore - she back talked had smoked pot).

We flew her as back to her BM. Now he says she almost finished ----- and every time I say YOU ARE DOING IT FOR HER ----- YOU WILL FINISH IT. Meanwhile she's having social life and doing drugs as usual. 

It sickens me to see grown men doing kids HW it's enabling and setting them up for future failure. I ask him one day if he was going to work with her of she got a job so he could do that got her as well......

It's all Bull S@#%.


Kona_California's picture

Your DH should be able to factor your opinion in what goes on in your household. If she hits you, or disrespects you in any other way, you are allowed to respond to the kid in that moment, and you should. It's very shameful your DH discourages this. 

I would be very clear with DH and tell him straight up "when you don't parent your daughter, I lose respect for you. Disciplining and consistant consequences are not the opposites of love; they are done because of love. Because it's hard. You neglecting to parent and letting her act out is doing her a major long-term disservice just so things can be easier for you. I know you can do better. I'm happy to send you some helpful articles to support this and give more ideas on how to approach it. Otherwise, if you aren't on board, I will be absent when you have her. I will not tolerate being disrespected in my own home, and I will certainly not tolerate a spouse who does not care about my input." 

Then send him some good articles from psychology today on how inconsistent parenting is bad for kids. Come up with a game plan for WHEN he is inconsistent, and the second he allows his kid's bad behavior to continue, get up and tell him you're leaving because he isn't respecting his marriage. Then go take yourself out to a lovely solo dinner, or a movie, or go for a long walk, visit somewhere you've been wanting to go to like a museum, or spend time with friends or family. He should know since he isn't making you a priority, you will!