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How do I learn to like the kids?

LoveandBattleScars's picture

I am having a very hard time liking his kids. They are spoiled rotten, suck up all the finances, constantly want daddy's attention and are almost always in trouble. He always puts them first and doesn't make our relationship a priority. How do I start liking these kids? Why do I resent them so much? I need help!

morethanibargainedfor's picture

You cant force yourself to like his kids just like you cant force yourself to like the annoying guy in the office or the friend of a friend who looks at you funny.
If you try and force it you will only make things worse and you will feel more guilt and stress.
I felt the same way before I came to this site. I felt like I was expected to like my SD and was having a hard time understand why I couldn't. Now I just take it for what it is. I don't like her. There's a guy at work that I can't stand, so I just answer his questions politely, if he asks me for help I help him, but other then that we do not interact. I now do this with my SD13. I'm not rude to her, but I don't go out of my way for her and I do not start conversations with her. I answer her questions and I help her with things when we asks but other than that we are roommates every other weekend who don't speak to each other. Works for me!

Drac0's picture

This is a question that would keep me up nights.

Remember what the genie said to Aladdin when he was granting him his wishes? One of the rules is "you can't wish for someone to fall in love". This is SOOO true. You can care for the children, entertain them and treat them nicely, but there is no circumstance that will make you like them. Even if the situation is right and the good intentions are there, no two human beings (be they adults or children) can be made to love (or even like) each other. The best you can do is be minimalist in your approach. If the kids are well fed and the house hasn't burned down, then it was a good day. Everything else is gravy. Now keeping yourself from resenting the kids is another ball of wax. Like some other posters have said, you have to take the time to pamper yourself; give yourself some time to let loose. I have a "board game/ geek night" with the guys about once a week and that is enough to make living with my SS more tolerable.

LoveandBattleScars's picture

Thanks everyone.....These kids and their BM have made life so stressful, and the fact that he does nothing to change it just adds to the stress. When they are over and he and I are talking outside, those kids get into fights in then they come running outside to interrupt us.

Then, he sits them all down and talks to them. I think they do it because he pays more attention to them when they fight. (He pays attention to them when they don't fight too but, I think he should teach them to work it out amongst themselves.)

askYOURdad's picture

I don't advocate becoming an alcoholic by any means.... but wine sure seems to take the edge off with me Wink

amber3902's picture

You resent them because "He always puts them first and doesn't make our relationship a priority."

It sounds like the problem isn't so much with the kids as it is with your husband.

Orange County Ca's picture

It won't get better. You didn't mention your own kids so admit your mistake to him and get out. I'm not going to write a twenty minute dissertation on the subject but why spend your life miserable when in a year or so (maybe a lot less) you can find a guy without children? If you do have kids then don't take in any live-in lovers/husbands until there are no underage kids involved.

abitguarded's picture

You need to have a very long and direct conversation with your SO?DH?BF? (you didn't mention which he is). If you work, keep your finances separate. Do not contribute to their finance sucking. You must explain that you can not be put in the hole because of their wants....wants are waaaay different than needs! They don't neeeeed a gameboy, PS4, iPhone 5, etc. Boundaries need to be set and if you don't do it now, you might as well pack your things and move on.

I still do not have feelings for my SO daughter. I do not believe we will ever be close and I am ok with that. I tolerate her. I don't like her, but I can be civil and if she really needs something contribute.

I read a book that was very good.... "Stepmonster." I would highly recommend it to everyone here. It aided in allowing me to at least understand all the crap that comes with being with someone with children and divorce.

maryann's picture

LoveandBattleScars, I was coming on this AM to write a similar post in sentiment: I do not like DH's kid. We have nothing in common except DH. Struggling to always be kind and understanding, but I am not actively mean. Thanks for posting and I appreciate the other posters replies. I think I just need to remember to let him take away as little of my energy as possible, especially until he starts contributing.

HappilySelfish679's picture

Its OKAY not to like your Step kids. Its OKAY if they do not like you very much. Hopefully you can make it work by at least respecting each other. Keep your finances separate ( I have 2 skids and finances are completely separate. this way, I am the total hero when I do buy them something , like this weekend's kindle fire )

You MUST make your relationship priority. Our relationship takes priority over the kids, no exception. That way, the kids have a stable, structured safety net, knowing that THIS relationship will not break up ( like their parents ) which helps them a lot.

hippiegirl's picture

You resent them BECAUSE he always put them first. You don't have to like them, it's not like a rule or anything. I've been with my man for almost 20 years and STILL don't like his ex wife's kids.