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Desperate to Connie

pickmeup12's picture

pickmeup12's picture

I’ve been wanting children of my own for 9 yrs now. Finally married the love of my life!! He’s supporting and excellent father and makes me feel so loved but we’ve been trying to conceive now after 2 yrs since a vasectomy reversal and nothing yet has worked. On paper we should be pregnant but I’m starting to spiral down a hole of despair wondering if I’ll ever have a child of my own. I just want to talk to other SM that have no kids and trying. I feel alone and it’s hard to press forward. I resent his ex greatly as she’s a crappy BM and he had the vasectomy because he raised the kids on his own basically for the first 3 yrs of their lives. He only got the vasectomy to make sure they didn’t have more kids and he ends up raising them. Everyday is a reminder of what I gave up and what I may never have. If it wasn’t for how epic our love is and how amazing of a husband he is, I don’t know if all the pain would be worth it.

TwoOfUs's picture

I'm in the exact same situation, except my DH did NOT get the reversal after saying that he would and the resentment is tearing me up inside. I think I'm going to leave. Being a childless stepmom is the absolute worst. 

pickmeup12's picture

that would be very difficult, resentment is such a horrible feeling. I think if my dh didn’t do the reversal after saying he would, I’d leave. I know I won’t feel complete without having a bio child of my own, at least just one. I’m here For you

SteppedOut's picture

TwoOfUs... I'm sorry, and that is BULL CRAP. If I was you I WOULD leave. You can't promise something THAT significant and then renege after marriage...at least not without DIRE consequences.

Sorry about that high jack OP, I just couldn't help but respond. 

OP: I'm not going to sugar coat. You sound like you REALLY want your own children. And that is perfectly ok! Having kids is amazing (in my experience)! Please don't let your life slip by and miss out if it is such a strong feeling for you. You will end up sad and resentful. And then where will your marriage/love stand? 

Aniki's picture

TwoOfUs, I am so sorry, hon!!! {{{hugs}}}

A friend of mine's marriage was annulled for fraud. She and her then-fiancé exchanged numerous texts and emails about their planned future. He had a bio-son from a previous marriage. He agreed that he wanted a child with her and they spoke of it frequently in their verbal AND written exchanges. Come to find out, he lied to her. Not only was the boy NOT his biological child, he was incapable of having children.

We only go 'round this world once. You need to do what makes YOU happy. Give rose

grace8205's picture

Sorry that must be hard and I doubt your DH totally understands, he already has kids of his own. 

My DH's 2nd marriage ended over this. They both agreed that they did not want kids together, my DH already had one from his first marriage and she did not have any but claimed that she never wanted kids. DH got a vasectomy and she changed her mind and wanted kids. She ended up moving on to find someone to have a child with. She is remarried and has a 5 year old. I think they would be broken up because of other issues but she decided that having her own child was very important to her.

I think you either resign yourself to the fact that you will never have kids of your own (I have never heard of a reversal working- might for some but no one I know of), however if you can't, you may have to move on and find someone else so you can have your own family.  Either way its a hard decision. 

 

 

pickmeup12's picture

I agree, unless your a childless SM that desires your own children, there’s only so much DH can understand. I feel so resentful he gave the best he had to the first wife (who’s just scum) and I get what’s left. It’s a a sad and unfair situation that im just trying to make peace with. I’m not willing to lose the love I have with DH. Sooo tough!

GoingWicked's picture

(((((Hugs)))))

While I do have kids, I have struggled with infertility for going on 8 years now, and I don’t think men “get” infertility in general.  They aren’t wired that way.  Anyway, I also blamed DH at first, he’s overweight and drinks more than he should.  2 years in, both of us checked out o.k. in the hormone and sperm producing labs,  and I refused to take fertility drugs, so that was that.

About 10 months ago I found out it was all me.  I had quite a few undiagnosed autoimmune issues (seemingly harmless little things, like cold feet, knee pain, infertility, and heatburn).  My advice should you decide to take it: give up sugar, gluten, and dairy completely, they are very inflammatory, and because of this they can cause endometriosis on top of a whole pile of other inflammatory disease processes that can mess with your fertility and your long term health.

Also, treat yourself well, eat lots of veggies, drink tea, go for walks, exercise, practice mindfulness, and when you get your period spoil yourself all day, then get a sitter and go out with your husband for dinner and drinks.  Also, make a list of all the things you can’t do while pregnant or with little kids, like a bucket list, and go do them.  That seemed to improve my depression the most.  

Rags's picture

There are many people who cannot have BKs.  I may... or may not.... be one one of them.  But... I don't have nor have I ever had an overwhelming need to spawn.  I like kids and having them would be fine... as is not having any BKs.

My bride laments not having kids together though I remind her that we do have a child together.  SS is mine.  I even have a 22yr back dated birth certificate that says so. 

I hope that  you and DH have the result to your journey that you hope for.  If not... please do not let that ruin your life and marriage.  There are many things that make a marriage and a family that does not include having to have BKs.

Take care of  you.

ESMOD's picture

I'm a childless sm.  I had hoped at one time I would have a child with my DH.. but we met later in life and the stars didn' align.  I have a good relationship with my SD's for the most part.  I can kind of pick and choose how much I "give" as a SM.. and have a full life otherwise.  So.. some regrets.. but unfortunately, sometimes we can't have it all.

Step lightly's picture

I’ve been with my bf for about a year and I feel your pain. I’m still at the age where I could try and maybe have luck but there’s a 15 year age gap so it’s hard to say if the stars will align. He’s incredibly kind and caring and I love him dearly and don’t want to leave, but I know I could be walking down a road that comes with heavy sacrifice. It’s a tough cal anyway you slice it. And it does feel like he doesn’t quite get the stakes for me since he’s already had kids. He understands intellectually, and is upset for me.... but there’s still distance between us there, since he can never really know how it feels.

 

good luck with it! You aren’t alone

Monkeysee's picture

I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been trying to conceive for nearly 3 years now, and it’s devastating each month to find out you’re not expecting.

I did get pregnant earlier this year but had a miscarriage, and haven’t gotten pregnant again since. It’s hard not to feel resentment over something like this, DH doesn’t really get it because he’s already got his kids.

I know he sees them as my kids too, but I don’t. They’re very much STEPkids, their loyalty will always be to their BM. I want my own babies, I hope we both get what we’re looking for.