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Does it get better as they get older???

Crazystepmom12's picture

Ok SS13 is NOT as bad as some of the step brats on here. Immature, classic spoiled Entitled brat and rude basically Describes SS13. Oh and stage 10 needy daddy Clinger which for me is the worst.
 

BM is ALL about her baby boy so SS and BM have a close relationship which will help in the future. Meaning BM will never disappear and hopefully if SS does not Launch when he should he will take up BM's basement and not mine. 
 

What are some warning signs I can be looking out for regarding SS now that could point into problems into the future 

nappisan's picture

my story is the same as Catmom23,,,,SS12 was 50/50 custody with a lazy bitch of a BM and daddy was in denial.  The kid just became even more spoilt , entitiled , rude and disrepectful and even more attention clingy.  A 12 yr old who still calls BM mommy and has to hold dads hand if we ever went anywhere , he would even still try and sit on dads lap ,,, but i think this was just becasue he didnt want daddy giving me attention.  either way it just got worse because the Bio parents live in denial and brush everything under the carpet.  be vigilant and foot your foot down before years pass and then your the only one whos loses out

shamds's picture

That if he doesn’t launch he will move into bio mums house

if bio mum happens to be hcgubm and a parentsl alienator, once she realized how effed up useless her kidnis, she will kick him out of her home without hesitation and guilty daddy syndrome falls into play and there you go, a 20-30 something yr old ss moves into your home treating you as his personal bit*h maid!!

Thisisnotus's picture

It doesn't get better.

I do not see SD17 launching. I have already made up my mind that no adult skids will live in my home. 

I will divorce my DH immediately before I let that happen.

BMs child support for SD17 runs out next year and I can promise you that BM and SD will think DH should foot the bill for every expense.....BMs already making comments of kicking SD out when she is 18.....

Crazystepmom12's picture

Kick SS out as she is a level ten Coddler. The majority of SS's Problems come from BM Babying him and doing everything for him. I've already told DH that the DAY SS turns 18 the free ride is over. DH wants SS to move in with us at 18( over my dead body). The way I'm going to prevent this is demanding SS to not only help around the house but pay rent as soon as he turns 18. I've already informed DH of this. I know there is no way in hell SS will agree to this when mommy dearest will let him live rent/work free with her. This Guarantees SS NOT moving in with us when he turns 18

Exjuliemccoy's picture

If dysfunction is present when the skids are young, it doesn't go away as they get older. In fact, it often gets worse as they fail to meet milestones and can't handle the pressures of adulting.

It's very important for a step parent to play the long game and ensure their partner understands what their boundaries are. If your H says he wants his son to move in AFTER he reaches adulthood and AFTER cs ends, this is a red flag. You should draw a clear boundary that no other adults will be allowed to live with you, period. This needs to be done years before the kids age out and should apply to skids and bios.

You need to be direct in your words yet subtle in your actions. Saying SS can stay IF he does this or that only opens the door, and once he's in your home you know your H won't hold him accountable. You'll be increasingly unhappy, and have no leverage with with to motivate change. Instead, cultivate a lifestyle that doesn't lend itself to communal living. Be playful and teasing, and develop a habit of walking around the house dressed scantily. Have hot monkey sex in the kitchen, living room, garage, everywhere. Have naked picnics in the living room. Basically show your H how great life is without others living in the home. And if the subject of SS moving in comes up, don't be reactionary. Be breezy and matter of fact. "Oh, that would never work, Dear. We'd have to give up our naked sexy games, and it wouldn't be good for SS, either. He needs to be on his own, not stuck with us."

 See what I did in that statement? How I led with your H having to lose out on sex if SS moved in, followed by how it isn't good for SS? Men are simple creatures who are often selfish and just want to be comfortable. If you connect that SS moving in equals less _______ (fill in whatever your H's currency is), and let him ruminate on that along with the boundary you've discussed over the years, he should draw the right conclusion. If he doesn't, then there are deeper issues at play.

tog redux's picture

My SS20 is failing to launch from BM's house. Child Support ends in 7 months and we will find out if level 10 coddlers kick their kids out when they are no longer cash cows. 

Merry's picture

My failure-to-launch SS and my DH were so horribly codependent to the point where SS couldn't function and DH was in complete denial. Daddy guilt, divorce guilt, "sensitive" SS, and an SD that told them both what they should and should not be doing so that nobody ever had to make any decisions. DH was not a functioning parent, and SS learned no adult skills.

SS self medicated himself into addiction. And it was through addiction rehab that SS broke the codependency cycle and is now a functioning, successful adult. I'm super proud of him. But it took years of misery and thousands of dollars.

I don't know why parents don't parent when the consequences are having a kid in the basement forever, or losing them to drugs/alcohol or the wind. Far, far better to give them tools-- life skills, survival skills, employment skills, social skills.

 

 

tog redux's picture

Because of fear and that it meets the parent's needs to have a dependent child. They are unable to push the child to be independent because of that child's anxiety or depression and the fear they will fail at life or kill themselves if they push too hard. The kids threaten both, as well.

And the parent feels like a "good" parent for taking care of their needy child. 

 

Crazystepmom12's picture

Disciplines or applied consequences SS13 would tell DH to F off and go live with BM Permanently. Does not help BM has had SS13 in therapy for YEARS. All this therapy has done is taught SS to be a great Manipulator and know what buttons to push with DH to get his way

tog redux's picture

Yes, for the divorced parents, this does seem to be the main fear - mine was more for Failure to Launch in general.  BM here was terrified SS would want to live with us and so told him at 11 that if he lived with her, he could do whatever he wanted. Then proceeded to follow through with that.

BethAnne's picture

The person to look at is your husband. How does he treat your ss. Is he preparing your ss for his adult life? What expectations does he have of his son? Your ss is unlikely to be any better than the way he is parented. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Things to look out for and tell-tale signs...

Is he motivated? Does he talk about his future? What he wants to be when he grows up? Interests he has?

SD10 struggles with school and is very aware. She says "I don't think I can do college." "I want to work at McDonalds." "If I'm poor, I'll just ask people for money for my bills."

DH has said to me that she has ZERO drive. Never has. BM doesn't either. SD not having goals is something she is okay with (not okay for DH or myself). I can see some foreshadowing here that when SD is trying to "find herself" at 18... she will probably want to live with BM. No rules, no deadlines, not encouraging to get a job or go to school...

As SD gets older we will talk about ways we can help... working towards a degree, a part time job, paying, or atleast contributing, towards bills, etc. And YES in all seriousness with the above comment, make sure she is on birth control. BM got pregnant at 16, and we DON'T want to see round 2 of that. 

ThatOneMom's picture

Teenagers will, invariably, start wanting to spend less time with their parents and become less needy and clingy.

But they can also be even more damaging. The drama, the lies, the manipulation. Using people and taking advantage of kindness.

My teenage step kids aren't much of a problem for me. But I do feel bad that their mom has taught them to be so dramatic all the time. They don't know how to function with peace and stability so they're constantly starting drama in their own lives with friends, boyfriends, their mom, etc. The oldest daughter is extremely attention seeking. She constantly changes her IG description to call her self  "Part gay" or "mostly gay" like it's some kind of dating website. Posting sexually explicit pictures, knowing her dad and I will see them.

I love her, I really do. I'm just glad I don't have to deal with her drama.