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Does it get better as they get older???

Crazystepmom12's picture

Ok SS13 is NOT as bad as some of the step brats on here. Immature, classic spoiled Entitled brat and rude basically Describes SS13. Oh and stage 10 needy daddy Clinger which for me is the worst.
 

BM is ALL about her baby boy so SS and BM have a close relationship which will help in the future. Meaning BM will never disappear and hopefully if SS does not Launch when he should he will take up BM's basement and not mine. 
 

What are some warning signs I can be looking out for regarding SS now that could point into problems into the future 

Catmom23's picture

Unfortunately my boyfriend had 50/50 custody with his lenient alcoholic ex wife.  His kids ran wild when they were with her and got involved with drugs/alcohol.  Bf was in denial.   Just be vigilant.

nappisan's picture

my story is the same as Catmom23,,,,SS12 was 50/50 custody with a lazy bitch of a BM and daddy was in denial.  The kid just became even more spoilt , entitiled , rude and disrepectful and even more attention clingy.  A 12 yr old who still calls BM mommy and has to hold dads hand if we ever went anywhere , he would even still try and sit on dads lap ,,, but i think this was just becasue he didnt want daddy giving me attention.  either way it just got worse because the Bio parents live in denial and brush everything under the carpet.  be vigilant and foot your foot down before years pass and then your the only one whos loses out

shamds's picture

That if he doesn’t launch he will move into bio mums house

if bio mum happens to be hcgubm and a parentsl alienator, once she realized how effed up useless her kidnis, she will kick him out of her home without hesitation and guilty daddy syndrome falls into play and there you go, a 20-30 something yr old ss moves into your home treating you as his personal bit*h maid!!

Catmom23's picture

That's what happened with my bf's kids.  Their mother was always kicking them out when the child support stopped and they'd do something stupid.  He was stuck dealing with them because he didn't want them "living in the street".  Thank God i had my own place.

Thumper's picture

Catmom---that is what they do. When the cs ends, its magic, so do the now emancipated kids. They come knocking on the door.

Deep, deep deeply alienated kids dont. There are some ncp who dont ever see or hear from their kids because bm is alive and so are her minions.

The next time the kids do something and dh tells you he doesnt want them living on the street, print out your local social services address and telephone number. AND print out rental properties in your area.Hand it to dh.

He is bs'ing you cat. If they end up on the street it is their decision. YOU have given them options to level UP their circumstance.

Glad you have your own place too. Wink

 

 

 

Catmom23's picture

Oh, this was many years ago.  Three of them do have their own places, but 1 will always probably live with his mother and step father ...he's soon to be 30.  

shamds's picture

allow as she was at university so bio mum was not getting this money. Sd had to move away for university and bio mum told her to take her younger sister who was 11 or 12 at the time and care for her.

bio mum faked an imaginary illness that she was about to die but hubby was ordered to pay bio mum the child support directly and apparently she sends some of this money to the eldest daughter. 

My husband didn’t know anything as they disappeared and ended contact.

in our case bio mum couldn’t wait to get rid of the girls even before cs ended. She just guilted the eldest to remind daddy eldest aged 24.5 needs money every month indefinitely despite having a decent full time job since 1.5 yrs ago and and living rent free in one of my husbands home

Thisisnotus's picture

It doesn't get better.

I do not see SD17 launching. I have already made up my mind that no adult skids will live in my home. 

I will divorce my DH immediately before I let that happen.

BMs child support for SD17 runs out next year and I can promise you that BM and SD will think DH should foot the bill for every expense.....BMs already making comments of kicking SD out when she is 18.....

Crazystepmom12's picture

Kick SS out as she is a level ten Coddler. The majority of SS's Problems come from BM Babying him and doing everything for him. I've already told DH that the DAY SS turns 18 the free ride is over. DH wants SS to move in with us at 18( over my dead body). The way I'm going to prevent this is demanding SS to not only help around the house but pay rent as soon as he turns 18. I've already informed DH of this. I know there is no way in hell SS will agree to this when mommy dearest will let him live rent/work free with her. This Guarantees SS NOT moving in with us when he turns 18

Exjuliemccoy's picture

If dysfunction is present when the skids are young, it doesn't go away as they get older. In fact, it often gets worse as they fail to meet milestones and can't handle the pressures of adulting.

It's very important for a step parent to play the long game and ensure their partner understands what their boundaries are. If your H says he wants his son to move in AFTER he reaches adulthood and AFTER cs ends, this is a red flag. You should draw a clear boundary that no other adults will be allowed to live with you, period. This needs to be done years before the kids age out and should apply to skids and bios.

You need to be direct in your words yet subtle in your actions. Saying SS can stay IF he does this or that only opens the door, and once he's in your home you know your H won't hold him accountable. You'll be increasingly unhappy, and have no leverage with with to motivate change. Instead, cultivate a lifestyle that doesn't lend itself to communal living. Be playful and teasing, and develop a habit of walking around the house dressed scantily. Have hot monkey sex in the kitchen, living room, garage, everywhere. Have naked picnics in the living room. Basically show your H how great life is without others living in the home. And if the subject of SS moving in comes up, don't be reactionary. Be breezy and matter of fact. "Oh, that would never work, Dear. We'd have to give up our naked sexy games, and it wouldn't be good for SS, either. He needs to be on his own, not stuck with us."

 See what I did in that statement? How I led with your H having to lose out on sex if SS moved in, followed by how it isn't good for SS? Men are simple creatures who are often selfish and just want to be comfortable. If you connect that SS moving in equals less _______ (fill in whatever your H's currency is), and let him ruminate on that along with the boundary you've discussed over the years, he should draw the right conclusion. If he doesn't, then there are deeper issues at play.

tog redux's picture

My SS20 is failing to launch from BM's house. Child Support ends in 7 months and we will find out if level 10 coddlers kick their kids out when they are no longer cash cows. 

Merry's picture

My failure-to-launch SS and my DH were so horribly codependent to the point where SS couldn't function and DH was in complete denial. Daddy guilt, divorce guilt, "sensitive" SS, and an SD that told them both what they should and should not be doing so that nobody ever had to make any decisions. DH was not a functioning parent, and SS learned no adult skills.

SS self medicated himself into addiction. And it was through addiction rehab that SS broke the codependency cycle and is now a functioning, successful adult. I'm super proud of him. But it took years of misery and thousands of dollars.

I don't know why parents don't parent when the consequences are having a kid in the basement forever, or losing them to drugs/alcohol or the wind. Far, far better to give them tools-- life skills, survival skills, employment skills, social skills.

 

 

Catmom23's picture

I don't understand it either.  Besides a child's safety, raising them to be a functioning, independent, successful individual is a parent's #1 job.  I am SO relieved that when i die, my child will be fine because he doesn't depend on me to take care of him.

tog redux's picture

Because of fear and that it meets the parent's needs to have a dependent child. They are unable to push the child to be independent because of that child's anxiety or depression and the fear they will fail at life or kill themselves if they push too hard. The kids threaten both, as well.

And the parent feels like a "good" parent for taking care of their needy child. 

 

Crazystepmom12's picture

Disciplines or applied consequences SS13 would tell DH to F off and go live with BM Permanently. Does not help BM has had SS13 in therapy for YEARS. All this therapy has done is taught SS to be a great Manipulator and know what buttons to push with DH to get his way

tog redux's picture

Yes, for the divorced parents, this does seem to be the main fear - mine was more for Failure to Launch in general.  BM here was terrified SS would want to live with us and so told him at 11 that if he lived with her, he could do whatever he wanted. Then proceeded to follow through with that.

Evil3's picture

Coddled, infantilized, clingy cling-ons do not launch when their peers do. They do not meet normal milestones at anywhere near the time that their peers do. It's a sick dynamic that is started by a needy parent. The parent infantilizes the kid and ruins him/her all because of the parent's need to be seen as a good father/mother.

My SD30 is extremely needy and requires constant contact with and attention from DH. My SD still required tuck-in rituals from DH at age 23. She never got her first BF until she was 24, so don't count on your SS getting a GF and being out of the house. Mini-spouses do not get BFs or GFs when their peers do because they already have a spouse: the parent that they're enmeshed with. When these mini-spouses do get romantic partners, the relationships never last because anything less than total enmeshment feels like a major demotion to the mini-spouse and they go off the rails and have so much conflict in their relationships that they fail. Kid ends up moving back in with parents if they even left at all. Enabling parents will often allow the BF or GF of the kid move in.

Once a clingy cling-on moves out at the age of 25, if ever, adult SK will have skype open 24/7 like my SD so that she can mimic living with Dadddeeeeee. Go read up on adult mini-spouses who remain clingers and have to text Dadddeeeee or Mommmeeeeee 500 times a day. These parents are described as sitting on the couch watching a movie with their spouse while texting Poopsie giving a play by play because Poopsie wants to dominate Da-da's time and Da-da is loving it and playing into it.

I had to buy a place in order to no longer live with my SS28 when he was 23. I told my DH that he has 48 hours to make his decision to either come with me or move with SS. I gave the deadline because I had to prevent him from stringing me along waiting for SS to launch naturally. These kids do not launch naturally. They do not outgrow of anything. They do not mature. They remain dependent little babies and the parents, due to their own issues, perpertuate the dynamic and even sabotage any sign of evolvement in the kid.

You can only lay down the law to your DH starting now and even that's no guarantee because like many conflict-avoidant men, he might act all surprised when the time comes despite your years of warning beforehand.

BethAnne's picture

The person to look at is your husband. How does he treat your ss. Is he preparing your ss for his adult life? What expectations does he have of his son? Your ss is unlikely to be any better than the way he is parented. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Things to look out for and tell-tale signs...

Is he motivated? Does he talk about his future? What he wants to be when he grows up? Interests he has?

SD10 struggles with school and is very aware. She says "I don't think I can do college." "I want to work at McDonalds." "If I'm poor, I'll just ask people for money for my bills."

DH has said to me that she has ZERO drive. Never has. BM doesn't either. SD not having goals is something she is okay with (not okay for DH or myself). I can see some foreshadowing here that when SD is trying to "find herself" at 18... she will probably want to live with BM. No rules, no deadlines, not encouraging to get a job or go to school...

As SD gets older we will talk about ways we can help... working towards a degree, a part time job, paying, or atleast contributing, towards bills, etc. And YES in all seriousness with the above comment, make sure she is on birth control. BM got pregnant at 16, and we DON'T want to see round 2 of that. 

ThatOneMom's picture

Teenagers will, invariably, start wanting to spend less time with their parents and become less needy and clingy.

But they can also be even more damaging. The drama, the lies, the manipulation. Using people and taking advantage of kindness.

My teenage step kids aren't much of a problem for me. But I do feel bad that their mom has taught them to be so dramatic all the time. They don't know how to function with peace and stability so they're constantly starting drama in their own lives with friends, boyfriends, their mom, etc. The oldest daughter is extremely attention seeking. She constantly changes her IG description to call her self  "Part gay" or "mostly gay" like it's some kind of dating website. Posting sexually explicit pictures, knowing her dad and I will see them.

I love her, I really do. I'm just glad I don't have to deal with her drama.