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Step kids are ruining my relationship

lcamaro90's picture

While i know this is not a new topic and nothing new to a lot people here, if i cant talk to someone about this i might explode! I have no kids, never been married, no baggage.  My fiance has two kids from a previous marriage (6 and 13).  At first I was excited about the prospect of being a "mom" and spending time with him and his kids but gradually over the last 5 plus years I have become extremely resentful, angry, scared, sad, overwhelmed... the list goes on and on.  I feel like a terrible person for feeling the way i do but I dont like his kids. I dont want them around.  We have them every other weekend and around thrusday of the week before i start getting really anxious and stressed and lash out at my fiance.  I just simply wish they werent there.  I have been honest with him and told him how i feel.  There is no reason to keep it secret.  Every weekend i spend the whole time wishing i were somewhere else or that they would just go away.  They destroy my house, they arent respectful.  His daughter who is 6 is a bully..she never stops reminding me that im not her mother and her mom does everything better and my mom has more money and she takes me on trips....etc.  (my fiance and i do our best but we barely make ends meet) we spent what little extra money we have for the kids but its never enough.  The last weekend they were down, his daughter said our tap water is gross and her mother would never let her drink it and i just lost it.  I actually yelled at her and her father and i told them all to get the f*#lk out of my house.  I was reduced to dirt by a six year old that i fear will be a terrible person when she is older. She is a mean brat who spends most the time whining screaming or crying and i cant take it anymore.  I wish she werent alive... and i feel bad....its hard to hear my collegues and friends talk lovingly about their kids and lives.  I am also resentful because i wish i had my own child but i doubt it will ever happen now....Im lost and feel like im suffocating...its taking its toll on my relationship with a man i love.  :( 


Steppedonnomore's picture

This man you love allows his children to destroy your house and be disrespectful to you. He lets his daughter bully and belittle you. He lets you spend what extra money you have on kids who are ugly to you. He needs to step up and be a parent. If you want children of your own, do you really want them with someone who has raised his children to be brats? I think it's time for a big talk with your fiance.  He needs to understand the toll that his failure to parent his kids is taking on your relationship.  If he values you and the realtionship, he will listen and he will step up.


Kitten Whiskers's picture

This is not the relationship for you.  His kids are not going to magically disappear, and everything becomes rainbows and unicorns.  No matter how much you may love him, his children are a reality that cannot be avoided.  Don't waste one more minute of your life on a situation that does not work for you.

day.drmr76's picture

Leave. You don't like them after 5 years you are not going to like them anywhere near future so just be done with it.  

tog redux's picture

Please don't marry this guy. He's a lousy parent and unless he sees a problem, he's not likely to change. 

Harry's picture

This is not the So or relationship for you.  It's never going to get better.  Bigger, older. Kids bigger issues.

Remember you are only one BM accident, BM findings new boytoy,  Leaving the area to have SK 24/7/365 days a year.  Just, understand it's a learning experience That went bad 

CLove's picture

As they age, they get worse, and more "set" with their personalities.

5 years is long enough to know if things will work long-term. As youve read on this board, there are folks here who have been in steplife for 10 plus years and many who would not have stuck it out knowing what they know now.

Normally the ones that work out are the ones that may have a toxic bio parent, but the parent they are with PARENTS, and the kids are not bad kids. I myself have a mixed bag - Toxic Troll BM, and Feral Forger SD21. SD14 is kind and respectful and loving. My DH will parent her when needed. She doesnt trash our place, doesnt lie, and doesnt belittle me.

So, you dont have much to work with here. You sound a bit miserable. And you lashed out. People make mistakes, but believe me she will use that against you for the rest of your life if you stay. 

I would really think long and hard if this is how you want your life to go...for the rest of your life...

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, Icamaro90,

No man, no matter how beloved, is worth sacrificing your opportunity to have children of your own. You have already wasted 5 of your fertile years, living with children that you dislike, and your fiancé is doing little to improve their dismal behavior.  

Hon, you have described yourself as ‘resentful, angry, scared, sad and overwhelmed’. In short, an unhappy woman. As is often remarked on this site, love is not enough. I speak from experience since my own marriage would never have survived, had my husband not barred his teen daughter from our home until she underwent an ‘attitude adjustment’. Like you, I was unhappy and refused to spend another year in that condition, despite my deep love for my DH.

On a single occasion, one of my children spoke disrespectfully to my DH and suffered repercussions such that the incident was never repeated. One of our wisest members has likened the SM’s role as follows:

~ As nice and loving as a SM may be, she will always be seen by most as a dog that can be kicked, whether that be by BM, SKs or even her own DH sometimes, and not only seen as a dog that can be kicked, but one that you can kick without consequences as well.~

It seems to me that you’re being kicked by your fiancé’s children and, certainly, by your fiancé. His unwillingness to support you, by correcting his obnoxious daughter, is not only a huge parental failure but an indication of his weakness and lack of consideration towards you, the woman that he should be respecting and protecting. 

Change is so difficult, Hon, particularly after having spent half a decade with a partner that you ‘love’. However, as your relationship stands, I can see no happy future for you. I wish you luck!

ndc's picture

Perhaps it's time to examine the long term prospects of this relationship, and the reasons you love a man who allows you to be miserable (since he's well aware of your feelings) and is clearly a poor parent who does little to prevent his children from treating you poorly and disrespecting you and your home.  It seems to me that this is not the relationship for you, and every minute you spend in it is a minute that you're not pursuing a more appropriate relationship and the opportunity to have children of your own.

Merry's picture

You've already been honest with your fiance, and nothing has changed. If your fiance can't shut down a 5-year-old bully, imagine at 15-year-old bully. If your fiance won't step up to parent his kids, there is no hope that this will get better and there is great experience and wisdom here telling you it will get worse.

Love isn't enough and it will fade in these conditions. Don't get to a point where you wake up one morning and wonder where the eff your own happiness and life went. If your fiance won't make changes (and he has demonstrated that he won't), then YOU need to make changes. Hard? Yes. Worth it? Also yes.

I suppose as a last straw you can seek some counseling to see if someone else can help him with his parenting skills and responsibilities.

Iamwoman's picture

Please listen to others here.

And don't give your fiancé the excuse that "he can't parent because he only sees them every other weekend." That's garbage.

My DH has an every other weekend schedule and he is a great parent. 
Like you, my skids treated me very disrespectfully in the beginning. It didn't last long though, because DH set boundaries with them and gave them discipline and consequences.

He put me, his wife, first in the household. Putting one's spouse first is the ONLY way to ensure a happy household and ensure the marriage is solid.

If your DH can't put you first, can't parent his own children, can't apply consequences and discipline for the attitudes and disrespect, then he doesn't properly love you.

As others have mentioned, would you really want your own child with such a weak partner and even weaker parent?