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Down the rabbit hole.

playdead's picture

There are so many stories of malicious mothers on this site and I thought maybe if I shared whats going on in my life it might ease the stress of it all.  I met my fiancee about a year ago, we live together and he's wonderful.  He has been amazing with my kids, which he always calls his. He built a basketball court for my son on the side of the house, repaired the concrete and painted the court, put up a very nice brand new basket, and does drills and games with him whenever he wants.  He cares about them, is very nurturing and protective and I can't imagine our lives without him. My ex lives across the country and hasn't been involved in their lives much for awhile,But not because I am discouraging it or excluding him. I feel completely nuetral about him and it works well for all concerned. Unlike my fiance's ex. The woman cannot and will not move on. Its actually pretty sad, and I vacillate between feeling pity for her and wishing she would just step in front of a bus.  My fiance and her have a 7 year old daughter, and it is heartbreaking to see the effects of parental alienation the mother has had on her. What a nightmare.  A little backstory, when SD was 2 BM faked an illness as an excuse to pack up and go back to their home country of Canada for the free healthcare. It was a lie and after she had been there with SD for 6 months could then get primary custody in a foreign country. Fiance finally figured it out and the next week on his birthday was served divorce papers. What followed was a shitstorm of false drug use allegations, abuse stories, anything she could come up with to smear him in court. All lies.  Lies about his family.  Oh, and while she still was living with him and accusing him of cheating on her, demanding to check his phone every day she would send texts and emails to herself with his number and email saying that he rescinded all rights to his daughter that he officially gives her full custody of his daughter, then erase them from his phone before giving it back to him. When that showed up in court he lost it. He figured out a way to get back the texts and emails and realized what had happened and in court they werent considered viable because they weren't signed, but still, wtf.  It has taken five, yes five, years for the divorce to be written up and she still wont sign it.  Her goal was 3,000 a month CS and Alimony, full custody, no visitation...ended up with $500 CS, shared custody and visitation (which she doesnt comply with). The hoops this man has had to jump through just to see his daughter for a few days is mind boggling and sickening. She says she wont sign because shes taking him back to court for more money. yippee. I can feel the bile rise in my throat anytime his ex is mentioned. I hate feeling fearful of what this woman can do to our lives FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY.  The last time SD came to visit (which fiance payss 100% for, including BM's flight and hotel) BM demands that she call every night, and one night BM didnt answer we put SD to bed and then 20 minutes later she was calling the police because she didnt get to talk to her daughter. SD is told not to kiss her dad, not to spend time alone with him, someone must be with them at all times, and to top it off the day before their flight BM sent a fucking grocery list, of literal grocery food items, that she wanted for her week long stay at a 100% paid for hotel (which every time has to be The Paris in Vegas, she wont stay anywhere else and the flight has to be the most expensive airline as well).  She constantly sends fiance texts about what a horrible person and father he is, classic  tyrant behavior, avoidance of responsibility for her actions. She continues to blame him and will for the forseeable future and all the while just manipulates the daughter to view him that way too. Its sick. I want to be there for my fiance, to make it better somehow, but this it seems will be more of an endurance challenge. 


CLove's picture

It is really pretty sad all the stories on here and some of the other online support groups I belong to (facebook groups).

They all start to sound the same. The sheer amount of hurt and pain, caused by stephell, it boggles the mind.

She sounds pretty mental. To go through those lengths to keep his child away from her father. And of course its become about the money.

I dont know if youve read my blogs, but I have a HCBM and she is still receiving Spousal support, as well as started receiving child support. Its not going to break us, but it does have an impact. Luckily I make a good amount and pay half of everything. We are living exceptionally well now. She can rot.

But welcome to steptalk posting  - it really does help so much to share this burden with others that are going through the same things.

playdead's picture

Hey thank you, it really does help to just write it out and have dialogue with others in similar situations and not be ruminating over it alone. 

I'll check your blogs out

tog redux's picture

He needs to block her entirely from everything except something like Our Family wizard. Follow the CO and ignore her demands. 


playdead's picture

The CO states that he gets to talk to his daughter 3 times per week. He bought her a small tablet thing that she could skype with him on, BM threw it away. So he has to call BM to talk to his daughter, another way she exercises power over him. She will hang up on him,  tell him she doesnt want to talk to him, etc. anything to be vicious. One night after reading her texts I was like " You need to set some boundaries with this person" and realized that its not about him. He spent $25,000 on lawyers and in court to get the CO and she doesnt even follow it. He can no longer afford to fight. He didn't get her groceries, we just laughed and WTF'ed through the list. Then she invited him to see boyz 2 men, like they were going to get back together. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, DH gave up ever trying to make phone calls to his son. It was just another way for her to control him.

I totally get it, we spent 50K in court, probably, and ended up with the kid being alienated for 3 years.  All he can do is try to keep a relationship with his daughter and hope for the best.

playdead's picture

I have to give him credit for the gut wrenching he has to go through to have a simple conversation with her, and how he just takes it. Sometimes I wish he would cut down on the calls though since it causes him so much distress, but he is a fighter and doesn't want to lose touch with his daughter.

He's spent 25,000 in court and another 20-30K just on travel/hotel expenses.  One trip to NY where BM crossed the border from Toronto costed thousands because she insisted his mom be present... to see his daughter for ONE day.

It's all gotta come to an end though, he can't afford the costs anymore as he isnt making as much as he used to. BM actually makes almost twice as much as he does.

tog redux's picture

See below about applying for a waiver for him to have his visits in Canada. Though, it sounds like you are far from the border. Maybe moving closer makes sense?

mommadukes2015's picture

If at all possible he shouldn’t sign the divorce papers either. 

Where is the divorce and custody stuff taking place? 

He should NOT be paying this woman’s hotel and shy of a court order on this side of the boarder she doesn’t get to dictate half of that shit. He doesn’t owe her groceries, he doesn’t owe her hotel visits, Hell she left the country and he’s paying for his daughter’s flights why? That I can see compromise on-but the rest of it? Get a new lawyer because that’s a crap shoot. 

The only way for him to have peace is to set boundaries with this crazy B. Otherwise, all you can do is listen, and affirm that he is good. 

I swear there is a special place in hell for people like her. 

playdead's picture

For shizzle! She's already in hell though and trying to drag us down there too! 

She was court ordered to pay for 40% of all visitation expenses. Does she do it, of course not.  He just wants to see his daughter and she knows it. 

Unfortunately he can't fly the other way and see her. Its quite the clincher, because he's not allowed into Canada. He was a crazy teenager and although he paid his dues and changed his life, Canada would not accept him due to his two felonies from the early 00's. He was deported after applying for immigration when they lived there and will be denied if he tries to go back, even for a visit.

tog redux's picture

He should see if he can apply for a waiver. Having his child living there may qualify him for one. I'm sure he'll pay up the wazoo for it, but it might be worthwhile.

thinkthrice's picture

against her pro se.  Might want to read ProbablyAlready's blogs on her DH trying to enforce visitation long distance with a HCGUBM such as yours.

As you know, being a stepFATHER is a whole lot easier than being a stepMOTHER.   It's much more likely that a juvenile BM will impose emotional torture on her ex (and subsequently her children) especially for the sin of moving on in life.  They view their offspring as an extension of themselves and not a separate individual.  Google "golden uterus syndrome" and check out Dr. Childress' you tube vids on parental alienation.

It may turn out that DH will end up viewing your family and children as his only family as these malicious mothers want this to become a self fulfilling prophecy.

playdead's picture

So I mentioned applying for a waiver to get into Canada and apparently he's already done so two years ago. He received no reply...and also no reply to the many emails.  Apparently one needs a lawyer to do this. Sometimes I wish I was a lawyer.

BethAnne's picture

When I was having immigration issues I wrote to my local representative. Admittedly it was a different issue and a different country but they are elected to help and if they cannot help their staff may be able to suggest alternative resources. If his aplication stalled he might be able to get someone to find out what happened to it so he can get an answer either way.