My fiancé just got custody of both his kids!
I need advice so so so badly! I have been with my fiancé for 12 years now. We have a 10 year old daughter together. Last year his son,age 12 and daughter age 13 came to stay with us. His son is still with us. While his daughter was living here she was nothing but trouble. She broke every rule possible, had a horrible attitude, stayed out past curfew every night, stole MY clothes and jewelry, she just basically ruined the positive vibe in the household. Her mother took her back last month, and we were all thrilled, even her own siblings! My fiancé was going to court for custody of his son, he made it clear to the lawyer he couldn't handle his daughter and her mom was better suited to raise her. Well well well- in a shocking turn of events yesterday in court , after the judge granted him custody of his son, their awesome mother said he can have the daughter too because if she can't have both kids she doesn't want her daughter, she told the judge her attitude is disgusting.. Even though I made it 100% clear to my fiancé before he went to court that I cannot live with his daughter again, HE AGREED that he couldn't either....he willingly signed agreeing to SOLE CUSTODY of her. He didn't try to work it out he just signed to save face in court! I am so angry-I understand she is his child but that girl ruined our household when she was here...everyone was miserable because of her! She is a bad example for my daughter and I honestly do not want to spend the next 5 years dealing with her behavior! I do not know what to do, I love my fiancé but I did not ask for this! Help please any advice is appreciated!
WTF~neither parent wants the
WTF~neither parent wants the child????
Holy cow. I think I'd start looking for a place of my own.
Yes! Exactly- it's a shame
Yes! Exactly- it's a shame and I don't want to leave but I know my limits and I don't want my daughter thinking its ok to behave like that.
When she first came to stay
When she first came to stay with us, we sat the kids down and firmly stated the rules. They both agreed. His daughter continued to break the rules, and all her father would do is demand to know why she was coming home late...however she was never grounded or punished! I lost so much respect for him because his daughter was walking all over him and ruining our household. I am 100% positive that when she comes she is going to smile and nod, agreeing to all the rules, and then run out doing whatever she wants. This is so frustrating for me.
Being put in that situation
Being put in that situation on the spot, your fiance did the only thing he could. I completely understand and can empathize on how you are feeling. Having sole custody of a demon child is a hell I live with daily. BUT your husband wasn't really given much of a choice.
Do what you can do:
1) Family counseling- this is a HUGE transition and you will all need it
2) INDIVIDUAL counseling for SD
3) Disengage from the bad behavior immediately.
4) Make your marriage your #1 priority.
That's a great idea, thanks.
That's a great idea, thanks.
And yes he does have a commitment problem! But at this point, i'm glad we are not married!!!!
This sucks...I would
This sucks...I would seriously move out with my Bio. If not, then you guys need some serious tough love on this kid....
I am seriously considering
I am seriously considering it. I think I will tell him if he can't step up and give this girl some tough love, my Bio and I are out! I will give him 3 months...if I don't see any improvement, or I am miserable, that is it. It's not like I haven't tried to give his daughter a chance, I took care of her for 6 months and she walked all over us. So I know exactly what is coming...and I am not willing to put up with it again.
I would highly recommend not
I would highly recommend not to the alter.
Be grateful he's just your
Be grateful he's just your fiancé. You can still get out.
In fact, this may have been a blessing in disguise. Can you imagine if this had happened after you two got married?
I know it doesn't make this any less devastating. And I'm truly sorry. All you wanted was to live happily with the man you love. I know what it's like to have dreams if a happy married life brought to a halt.
True! Thanks. It really was
True! Thanks. It really was unexpected...and I feel like I was blind sided. I am just exhausted and I don't have the patience to deal with this again. It was pure HELL when she lived here for 6 months.....now she is his until she is 18!!
I was so angry because
I was so angry because instead of trying to work out shared custody with her for BOTH kids, he just said fine I'll take them both. He knew that it wouldn't work, we have discussed it multiple times. We don't even live in a house that is big enough for 5 people!
Well, your options are the
Well, your options are the following:
Make the best of the situation and make sure there are RULES in your home that MUST be followed and your Fiance MUST back you up 100% of the time OR start making preparations to walk away as soon as you can.
This sucks. Sorry.
Thank you. The last time she
Thank you. The last time she stayed with us for 6 months, he said he stopped enforcing the rules because he was "sick of dealing with her". So basically she ran the house because daddy was too tired to be a father!
Thanks. I haven't decided if
Thanks. I haven't decided if I am even willing to give it a second chance. It was to the point that I was DREADING coming home every day. Nobody could deal with her. I feel that she is only going to be worse this time because now she knows her father has custody and there is no going back.
How do you do it? Do you ever
How do you do it? Do you ever get to the point where the site of her irrates you? That is how bad it got within 2 months. She will smile in your face, then tear you apart on the phone with her mother. I bent over backwards for her and she just took my kindness for weakness. I think what bothers me more than anything is the fact that she mistreats my daughter and her brother when she is in a bad mood. When she is in a bad mood, there is this negative vibe that affects the whole house. Everyone gets in a funk. It is awful.
Thank you so much, I
Thank you so much, I appreciate your advice. I will make my expectations crystal clear and if they are stepped on me and my daughter will leave. I am really not looking forward to even trying coexist again. She is so loud and when she gets in a bad mood nobody is spared from her horrible attitude. Her own brother is dreading her coming back. It's unfortunate.