You are here

A question from me

AgedOut's picture

It's been in my head and while life really is good, all the kids are grown up my two married, his headed that way I think, I sometimes feel cheated by circumstances. 

Have you ever felt cheated out of a bit of your happiness potential because the person who shares your life is scarred from their past hurts?


Sometimes I do and I think it's okay to feel that way. He is scarred from a nasty divorce and a woman who would have preferred he not be a part of "her" child's life. He was a part of it, he never shirked or stopped seeing his son. I admired that. But their divorce wounded him and left scars in his mind and I'm the one who has to deal with his fears. We are good, we are connected and we are in no way having any type of issue but still I wonder what he'd, what we'd have been like if he wasn't lving with those mental scars. I'm not going anywhere and I know without doubt that he loves me probably more than I love myself because I have those mental scars too. 


I'm not sure where I'm going with this, it was just an idle thought. I've dealt with his fears and scars for well past 20 years, I will do so for every year we have left in life. I just wonder who we'd be if neither of us were battle weary and carrying baggage. 


Anyway, that my thought. I guess we all deal with it and I was wondering if I'm alone in my thoughts. 




Mominit's picture

DH and I have our buttons, but no serious scars thank heaven.  But I do see the results of the divorce on the kids  in their own ways.  Insecurities, bad habits, character traits that wouldn't be there if they hadn't seen a divorce, and would be even more dramatically different if their bio parents were DH and I instead of the ex's.  But at the end of the day we did the best that we could, I wouldn't give them up for the world, so I try not to get caught up in the "what if" trap.

CLove's picture

i do wonder what we would have been like, but since I am unable to concieve, and hes obviously happy that he did have kids, well, my mind shuts down when it gets to that point.

I think more about the life experiences of joy. That we did not because he was stressed about something to do with the ex. Like the Blake Shelton concert we had to leave because he had too much to drink at because he was nervouse because we had just heard that his ex was invited to his mothers bday party and she was taunting him about it.

I think about the peacefulness interrupted because Toxic Troll had to lash out and beat on feral forger. The drama and arguments caused by power sulk. 

I know the first 8 years we had a lot of anger and many issues, because of his experiences. And I too wonder what we could have had if not for them.

Notthedoormat's picture

because my DH was excluded from a lot in his kids lives because of BM. Actually BM allowed her BF to dictate a lot and DH wasn't 'allowed' to be in the picture as much as he would have liked until the last several years.  And I've encouraged him to build better relationships with more contact...and it's biting me in the butt because BM is trying to enmesh now. It's just another hill to climb.

But he also grew up in difficult circumstances and is scarred from that, also.

I think most of us carry baggage from our past and the experiences we've had shape us/disfigured us accordingly.  

The trick is learning that we can give or take power from those things,  though.  Their value is assigned by us and the importance we place on them. For me that was a hard lesson to learn,  and I'm still learning it.  And 8 hope my DH sees it, too...maybe someday.  

I feel like my DH would be generally more satisfied with life had he not had those struggles,  but they've also made him strong. 


Cover1W's picture

DH has a lot of regrets and disappointments in his life and carries them with him. He does see a therapist regularly thank goodness and that has improved things a LOT in the last two years, esp. with dealing with OSD disappearing from his life.

Now YSD is withdrawing and it's bringing up feelings and memories for him that I cannot help him with.

Yes, it's tiring for me for certain. He knows it and does apologize and acknowledge what I have to put up with to be with him. He's a genuinely nice person for all his faults and problems (and I have my faults too of course but less problems) otherwise I would have been gone a long time ago. We're starting to discuss future retirement and moving plans so put some focus on the next several years and what to do, but he's so disorganized I cannot go there 100% with him yet. I'm organizing my things and getting rid of "stuff" but he's not able to do that yet. Much less pull himself together to think about YSD being at college and us free to go. One step at a time.

PetSpoiler's picture

Mine definitely regrets ever looking in BM's direction.  He loves his son but she made our lives hard until I got pregnant and she had moved away.  She either lost interest in tormenting us or knew that with SS growing up, her hold on DH would be gone. 

She definitely left scars.  She lied to him, claiming that she'd had an accident as a child and was unable to conceive.  Him being a dumb teenage boy, he automatically believed her.  SS was the result. 

I had to pay the price.  For a long time, he didn't want to have kids with me.  He had this fear I guess that I would make his life miserable, make him pay child support, basically control his time and his life. We were married ten years before DD was born, and 14 years before DS was born.  We married young, so I was still in my 30's when I had them.  He just miraculously changed his mind one day.   If BM hadn't done what she did, we would've had kids much sooner.

Rags's picture

I am not a what if guy.

I do not waste my now and my future on what ifs.

The past is a big part of what makes us who we are and what makes us the pertner for our SO and our SO the partner for us.

I tell my DW not to regret the Spermidiot.  She was 16 when SS-30 was born. The DipShitiot was 23.  DW is incredible, our son is a wonderful man.  No regrets.  While I would have  loved to have never met my XW, she is in part what makes me the right DH for my DW.  We both have some baggage from adulterous former partners.  We both are committed to our marriage and each other.

Take care of yourself and please do not let the what ifs of the past interfere in your wonderful.


Shieldmaiden's picture

Yes. My DH's ex (BM) cheated on him, so he always was worried I would cheat on him. I told him several times over the years, and finally SHOUTED IT at him. 

"I AM NOT YOUR IDIOT WHORE OF AN EX WIFE! I was raised better than that. I owe it to MYSELF to never cheat on anyone I love because that is WHO I AM. I am loyal. I am honest. I love you. I will always love you. Now stop being an asshole. Thank you and goodnight!" 

Then he would look at me like "To the moon, Alice!" and we would both have a good laugh together. 

ESMOD's picture

I think we all have things that fall into the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" category.  wish I met my dH before he married his EX.. missed that time with him.  wished I hadn't dated a few Exes too.. lol.  sad that he had an ex that was difficult..

but we are all shaped by our past.. good and bad.. it's not particularly productive to dwell on what "could have been".. we have to deal with what "is".  I'm not saying it's not normal to think about it.. but we can't dwell on it too much.  sure.. take lessons from the past.. but move on.