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Flowergirl64's picture

So I just recently had a missed miscarriage the first couple days were horrible and then I started to think “everything happens for a reason” and in a way I was glad I got to experience something like that with my fiancé cuz we were able to grieve together and it brought us closer but now the step kids are coming today and I can only be sad. Why did I have to have a miscarriage with a man I love and a baby we planned yet him and his ex had a kid from a one night stand and we’re able to have two more kids that weren’t planned. I know that’s a horrible thing to say but why couldn’t she of had a miscarriage instead of me:( don’t judge me for feeling glad I got to experience something like this with my fiancé. No I’m not glad I had a miscarriage but I am glad we were able to be there for each other and see how much we truly love each other through a dark time. Nothing wrong with that everyone is different! It was a learning experience and has change me helped me to be more understanding and see that someone’s things just happen out of your control. When I’m pregnant with a healthy baby we will be even more excited to have our special rainbow baby after what happened. 


CLove's picture

Im so sorry this happened, hugs and positive vibes your way. I myself think this as well. I am 50, with no children, and have been told that I am a better mother than the cretin Dh procreated with. She wasnt SUPPOSED to be able to concieve, but OOPS there are two children that she can allow her husband, now exhusband to support and take care of because she has already given birth, and doesnt need to do anything else but sit back.

In other words its not horrible, it is very sad that these things happen. I feel you. Take some time out, if possible, take a break away from his children. They will pick up on things and it will only make you feel worse if they ask "whats wrong flowergirl?"

CLove's picture

not for lack of trying!!!!

Ive never had the money to explore this, just infertil, I suppose. Now, its much too late (would be open to adoption however, if I won the lottery). Dh has two, one who is carbon copy of ToxicTroll BM, but he has a younger one who "thinks of me like a second mom", and is very appreciative of all my efforts and returns my affections. However, I know she isnt mine, she still belongs to her "real mommy", and now Toxic Feral is with "mommy" too, living there, and this after her mother choked her and beat her a while ago. However WE are being accused of "being abusive." Its sad, and its not our faults that she hates us, but thats how things sometimes go, and we have to move forward.


Flowergirl64's picture

I’ve always been told no one ever has the money for a baby so don’t let that stop you unless your rich lol. But I’m very sorry to hear all that:( it sucks when the BM is a horrible person and puts shit into her Kids heads. 

CLove's picture

I dont think DH has it in him to do another child! He put a lot into Toxic Feral SD19 and now is putting a lot towards Munchkin SD12. I just pour out my mothering onto Munchkin - time, attention, money and love. And hope for the best.

TwoOfUs's picture

Well--there's a big difference between becoming pregnant and worrying that you 'don't have the money' to have a baby and not having the money to pursue fertility treatments. When people say they 'don't have the money to raise a child'...yes, everyone worries about that, and that money will be spread out over 18+ years and everything will be OK...

When people say they 'don't have the money' to pursue fertility treatments...they mean they can't pull together 20-50K+ upfront to even conceive in the first place. For me, that's been part of the cruelty of being a (childless) stepmom. We've never 'had the money' to pursue fertility treatments and a family together - but we can send huge chunks of money to BM whenever she demands it and pour money with seemingly no limits into his kids from another relationship. 

Flowergirl64's picture

Yes I know. I worry that I won’t be able to have kids either and don’t have the money to do treatment cuz they’re way to expensive.

marblefawn's picture

Maybe she has had miscarriages. You don't know what other people have gone through.

I know it's hard right now, but don't keep score. No good comes from that. Just keep your mind on your life and forget that other noise.

It seems women have more miscarriages now than ever, but there are still plenty of babies being born, so don't let this take you down too much. It'll be OK. Feel better soon and then get to work on your next baby project Smile


Flowergirl64's picture

 I know she hasn’t had a miscarriage she got her tubes tied after her third kid. Well she didn’t have a miscarriage with my fiancé. Thank you for your encouragement.

bananaseedo's picture

So sorry for your loss.  My SO and I have had two miscarriages, though at NO point was I glad as it brought us together.  

As a matter of fact, miscarriages CAN and DO at times tear couples apart.  It's not a 'bonding' experience in the way you think hon.  You wll be sad seeing his kids- my suggestion is maybe go find some time for yourself away from his kids.  

As to why she didn't miscarry- I feel ya....we've all thought that, doesn't make you horrible.  Ours were surprised but loved/wanted where SD simply wasn't.  The miscarriage would have been better then. 

Flowergirl64's picture

Everyone deals with it differently. So it’s not wrong of me to feel that way. I never said I was happy cuz it was a bonding experience. I know miscarriage can tear a relationship but it didn’t ours. we have both lost something very important to us and I’m glad we were able to grieve together and get through something neither of us have gone through before. I’m not glad I had a miscarriage. Everyone’s different. 

bananaseedo's picture

Your feelings are valid of course- I think I got very triggered by your comment and it seemed kind of mind boggling.  The effects of miscarriages on you and your relationship can go on for years. So truly one can't predict the 'effect' until much later -yes we are still together but there were hard times for us after those experiences.  It's like any death-it does test you.  I don't know- sorry I just never saw it expressed that way.  "and in a way I was glad I got to experience something like that with my fiancé cuz it brought us closer"  

Flowergirl64's picture

As you can see in my other comment I explained what I meant. I’m not glad I had a miscarriage. I’m glad we were able to grieve together and see through it. Everyone’s different. When I was a little girl(9 yrs) my mom passed  and I honestly said “it’s for the best” cuz my mom was a horrible alcoholic and the way I saw it was I was in a better place. No one said “how could you say something like that!” Maybe cuz I was a child no one said that but I never heard judgment for feeling the way I did. Of course I don’t feel like that now. My point is everyone deals with things differently. I know the only women who are judging our women who had a miscarriage and still feel horrible so for someone to say “im glad I got to experience something like that” triggers them. I’m sorry that you’ve been through that but just cuz I see it different doesn’t mean I should be looked down upon. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Sending you hugs! Sometimes things happen and we will never understand why but keep your chin up, pray for strength and give yourself time to heal from this experience.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I haven't even tried to get pregnant and I understand the feeling (nothing like yours of course). I think when we love our spouses so much it's easy to get hung up on things. Feeling like you didn't do enough. What if your kid isn't attractive and then your DH thinks that your genes messed things up? What if you can't have kids? What if... What if... And it's REALLY easy to get hung up on them. (really frustrating too). We already deal with a LOT of frustrations as stepparents. A lot of them being because of our DH's (or DW's) "previous lives." Whether it's debt, the inability to afford another kid due to high CS, or even just the drama from the Psychotic woman your hubby spawned with. But becuase of all these frustrations, we have to keep the what ifs at bay. Because they weigh down a LOT, and if we don't find ways to combat them, then we get carried away.

Your thoughts aren't horrible... I've thought similar as Psycho has a third kid and I'm still not in a place to have one (if ever). Makes you feel like God has a sick sense of humor giving a terrible person ANOTHER kid she won't take care of while you continue to stress about the first two she's neglected... The fact the second she wanted to be pregnant so she could get military benefits she was, and the second she wanted a second so she wouldn't lose her benefits when the fact she was a class A wh0re came out (again). And look at finances and know there's no way you could even think of affording one of just your own and your DHs. It's frustrating that for some people they just get whatever they want, while you struggle.

I can't even imagine what you're going through. But I'm glad it's brought you and your fiance together. I know you're frustrated, I know you're wondering why me. But you're with the man you love, he seems to love you, and you're kicking a$$. I'm beyond sorry for your loss, I've had nightmares of this exact thing (irrational fear). So many hugs your way!!! I know none of it seems fair at all. But I'm glad you're looking at a positive with it bringing you and your fiance closer. <3

Flowergirl64's picture

Thank you so much! I can so relate to the “what if’s”. The oldest isn’t my fiancé she lied to him so someone would stay with her cuz her child’s real father wanted nothing to do with her which is horrible but I can see why and she purposely got pregnant a second time without my finece know so she could baby trap him. I guess everything happenes for a reason. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Ugh. I'm sorry. That's frustrating as heck. Especially the first not even really being his. TBH we have no proof either girl is DH's. But at this point we're keeping them. lol. But le Psycho slept with virtually anything that would, so who really knows.

Things happen for a reason, but that doesn't make it not frustrating. I'm really glad you're so positive about everything. That's a talent.

Aniki's picture

I am so sorry for you loss! {{{HUGS}}}

I miscarried when I was almost 5 months pregnant. It sucks something fierce.

amyburemt's picture

you experienced a loss that is heartwrenching. Your emotions are going to be all over the place and you have every right to go through all of them. 

5 stages of grief

1. Denial

2. anger

3. bargaining


5. acceptance

Not everyone goes through each step in exact order, but each step does bring you closer to healing from the loss.