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I thought I was ready to be a step mom but I'm not, please help me.

askquestions_'s picture

I met my current boyfriend online. I was hesitant dating him because I knew he had children and never planned to have any of my own (even though it's up in the air). I met his children and they were cute but his ex wife is f***ing crazy and has taken him to court on false abuse charges (he was cleared). She makes everything about parenting difficult and is super manipulative when it comes to the children. Even when I started dating their dad, she would convince them that I was trying to be their mother and take them away from her (in that period was I in NO WAY trying to be). 

Him and i have so many differing aspects of our life. I am from europe and want to spend time traveling while he is very family oriented and wants to have another child with me (despite me not wanting my own children... at least with him). 

I could go on and on about how we are different but it doesn't matter because I'm not happy with him even though he thinks I'm the one.

Basically what I'm trying to ask is am I in the right to be selfish and not compromise my life goals for him?

He thinks i'm the one and my biggest fear is I won't find someone to love me as much even though I know it's an IRRATIONAL fear. I'm good enough to be loved. 

 

I don't know how to end it with him as we've been together 2 years and I have compromised much of myself to make him happy. I feel like I can't express in words but I PLEASE NEED HELP.

I'm not ready to be a SM nor do I think I ever will be. I'm too selfish. God I just feel so bad. 

 

If you need more explanation as too why we aren't fit, i'll happy to provide. 

JRI's picture

You know this relationship isn't for you.  Do yourself a favor and move on.  You would be doing him a favor, too.  That would allow him to find someone who is a better fit.  Do you work?  Do you have your own place?  The words are, "It's not working out for me."  

Rags's picture

Wanting to live your own life as  you choose is not selfish. Get out of your own head with that crap.

Move on, don't feel guilty, you are not selfish.

Good luck.

TheBrightSide's picture

Rags had this advice for someone else in another post, but its brilliant.   Just say to him:

"I am not at a point in my life where I can give the relationship all that it will require to succeed."

Kes's picture

You said it yourself, ie " I'm not happy with him even though he thinks I'm the one."   Knowing this, the way ahead of you is clear.   Like you, in the first year I was with my DH, his exW made false abuse claims, and since that day, I made it my business never to be alone in a room with his daughters.  Things remained very stressful for a number of years, but I loved my DH very much and saw it through with him.  I would DEFINITELY not have done that if I felt the way you feel.  Save yourself a heap of stress and leave.  

SteppedOut's picture

There are all kinds of red flags waving directly in your face. End of this relationship now.

tog redux's picture

Break-ups are hard, but it sounds like this one needs to happen. Don't let yourself be stuck out of fear or guilt - you deserve better, and he deserves someone who wants what he wants, as well.

Trust us, if you are doubting it now, you will definitely be unhappy making more of a commitment and dealing with stepkids and crazy BM on a daily basis.

justmakingthebest's picture

You don't need validation from strangers on the internet. You already know that this isn't the right relationship for you. That is 100% ok! 

There is always compromise in a long term relationship- neither is going to have 100% of what they want ALL the time, but these are big issues. They are not the areas to compromise- for either of you. 

beebeel's picture

Ahhh to be young. I assume you are, because I have underwear older than this relationship. Two years isn't long at all. It's just barely long enough to learn who this person is as a human. Now that you know, you can make an informed decision on whether to proceed or end it.

And it's NOT "selfish" to refuse to compromise LIFE GOALS for someone else's child. Who else is expected to change their entire life for some kid down the street? No one. If your boyfriend expects you to flip your life upside down just so you fit into his a little nicer, HE is the selfish one.

day.drmr76's picture

If you are not ready to be a stepmom, walk away for your sake and the stepkids sake.  They at least deserve a chance to be part of a family where the spouse wants to try to be a SM. 

It's okay to pick someone that is a match, close match to life goals, financial goals, family goals. It doesn't sound like this is "the one" for you. Brave to be able to recognize and walk away but definitely not selfish. 

BethAnne's picture

Show him this post.

Talk to your friends and family about how you feel and get support ready for when you leave him. It is an inevitability that you will leave from the way that you are talking. Best to do it now and not waste any more time, (yours or his) and to not be pregnant or have a kid with him. 

With 7 billion people on this planet it is practically impossible that only one person can fall in love with you and your life just happened to bump into their life. There are millions of people you could have a successful relationship with and your next relationship will be better than this one because you have learnt lots during the course of this relationship and will take those lessons forwards with you. 

pdurr's picture

im just trying to find a place to vent. I need help dealing with the 14yo daughter from......................who has daddy wrapped around her finger . She is very manipulating and does not tell the truth. Help!!

 

breedwitness's picture

How old are you? Do not have a child if it is not in your own heart to do so. Most likely outcome is that you'll be bitter. If you are under 30 you still have a great chance to find another partner who's life situation does not make everyday living a struggle. Even if older: the same thing! Especially if you are young, do not waste your best years jumping others hoops if it is not fulfilling.

 

askquestions_'s picture

I ended it and have a new post up, I am 26 btw