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Ex-SO advocates accepting sh*tty situations just in case you die tomorrow... WOW.

wasp's picture

After I ended things with ex-SO again yesterday, he seemed okay with it but then I started getting hit with the usual text messages all afternoon. He said that the way he got over his stupidity about the situation before (when HE was never happy with his own life and making the rest of us miserable) was that, after I left, every day he thought that if that day was his last day, how would he want to spend it, and with whom. I understand what he's saying, because that is EXACTLY what I was thinking when I decided to get back together with him and try yet again. It took me awhile to realize though, that's living in FEAR.

I love ex-SO very much - somehow, despite the fact that we have conflicting personalites and fight all the freaking time - and yeah, right now, if I were in a hospital dying, he is who I would want there. I love him and when the sh*t hits the fan, he's perfect. It's every day life that's a struggle.

But is that really any way to LIVE? Putting up with a situation where you feel stifled and confined and just NOT happy because hey, what if I die tomorrow? If every weekend I am dreading hanging out with him and his kid yet again, and I'm choosing to be with someone whose life means that I only get to have the life that I want and makes me happy for just a few hours, two nights a MONTH - is that worth risking dying alone tomorrow or the next day or next year? Ex-SO is the type who would say yes it is. That love is always worth it, and having someone there for support is the most important thing. And a couple of months ago I would have agreed with him. I was lonely, the holidays were coming up, I think I was idealizing the "family" situation in my head a bit, not to mention feeling like I never gave him a fair shot to work things out.

So HE is now feeling a lot more at peace with his lot in life, which is awesome. I think he still would prefer to be able to have more non-kid time, but he at least isn't so miserable and angry about it - at least if he is, he's better at keeping it to himself. But what I have learned is that it wasn't just his anger and misery that was making ME miserable. I just don't want that lifestyle in the first place. I value freedom, spontaneity, having a life and hobbies outside my relationship, and just generally having a relationship that doesn't involve a child 95% of our time together.

I was never truly happy with that situation in four years, and kept trying to shoehorn my way into it and "Buddhist" my way through - go with the flow, live in the moment, be happy with that you have, all that crap. Why I have to always try and reason my way into a situation that just flat-out doesn't make me happy, I don't know. I'm seriously thinking about going to counseling over this. I wonder if most people just say "I'm not happy" and call it a day - I never do that. I try and make myself justify to myself I should be able to accept the situation and I try and force myself to be happy in a situation that is clearly not good for me and never was. Guilt? Not wanting to be a selfish b*tch? Fear? I don't know. I love him, I even care about his son but it's the day to day living that I can't stand. It just isn't what I want out of life. Frankly I'm sick of hearing that I should suck it up because he is there for me no matter what and that "all people have baggage you have to deal with." Easy for him to say, because dating me doesn't involve a third little person and other associated baggage and issues.

I lived in fear for way too long and I'm tired of it. I'm just appalled that anyone would ADVOCATE that way of living.


furkidsforme's picture

I see it for what it is- SO isn't having romantic thinking, and he's not some knight in shining armour. The whole "you could die tomorrow" and "love is ENOUGH" bit is nothing more than a line.

A cheap ass lie of a line.

wasp's picture

Yeah, that's what I think also. If I was seriously injured on the way home from work today and in the hospital, would I be thinking "I'm so glad I have someone here" or would I be replaying the past 4-5 years of my life where I was unhappy and thinking "I had such limited time and I didn't do what made ME happy. WTF." But that's selfish according to him. Ex-SO's mentality is very much "love = sacrifice". Which I think is true sometimes of course, along with compromise, but you shouldn't be sacrificing the very essence of your being and spending your life unfulfilled and unhappy, just to be with someone in case something bad happens to you. That's so screwed up it isn't funny.

I guess I look at his mentality like he must be thinking "I know my situation and schedule SUCK to her as a childless person, so the only thing I have to offer is being there if something bad happens to her." Which is kind of depressing. The sad thing is that he does have a lot more to offer, it just comes with so much other BS that the good could never outweigh the bad. Even with his personality and the relationship with just the two of us... the good things are great and the bad are freaking unbearable. For the past two months, we were fighting EVERY SINGLE WEEK, almost all week long, until we saw each other again on the weekends. That's no freaking way to live.

misSTEP's picture

It's easy for him to say things like that. I bet anything that YOU were the one making the sacrifices.

Shaman29's picture

Here's the thing. You are spending what could be your last day on earth with a person you love and respect. YOU.

You're not spending your last day with someone that "says" they love you, but doesn't treat you well. You're choosing not to spend your last day being miserable.

He is trying to draw you in with an argument that has absolutely no merit. He is also trying to make you feel there is no one else out there for you.

Wasp.....I just lost a friend of mine to cancer. She married a man who told her a few weeks before they married that she was ugly, he hated her and that no one but him wanted her.

She was beautiful and no matter what her friends told her, she had one fear. And that was the fear of being alone. So she married a jackass who proceeded to make her miserable.

They were in the midst of a divorce when she died earlier this month.

Bottom line. She spent her last days with the people she loved the most and she wasn't alone.

wasp's picture

I've never really been alone so I'm going through that process, at almost 32, of being okay with that. I spent the last 4 years dating someone on opposite shifts and not the same days off, so the day to day part of being alone, I'm more than fine with. Not having that security blanket is the problem. I have no family within less than a 13 hour drive. And him exploiting those fears that he KNOWS I have, is annoying.

Maybe I need to read Eat, Pray, Love again.

wasp's picture

Yep, our whole relationship is/was a power struggle.

I always felt like I had to explain so many basic things to him that in a healthy relationship, I shouldn't have to. Alone time. Time for hobbies. Being able to go out with friends without him getting jealous because "I don't have time to do that stuff". Not needing to be together 24/7. That just because his schedule sucks doesn't mean I should give up things that make me happy. Always a struggle for power and even worse now because I lived that life already, lived without it for a year and then looking at getting back into it, he accuses ME of always starting a fight (actually just me expressing concerns, which then turns INTO an argument thanks to him) - I said you are d*mn right I will fight like hell to NEVER feel the way I felt when we lived together. He has no idea how miserable I was. I can tell him, but he doesn't really get it. Which is fine. I've stopped trying to justify my reasoning to HIM because he will never give up trying. I told him flat-out that when we lived together I hated his life. And i am getting resentful now, after just a couple of months. You'd think someone would look at that and be like "Maybe it's better for HER if we aren't together." I don't think he thinks that way...

amber3902's picture

I would rather die alone than spend a lifetime full of misery and unhappiness.

One day is not worth a life time of misery.