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is it the small things, or the big issues, that make these situations unbearable?

wasp's picture

Well, I called things off with ex-SO... again. I tried again for two whole months this time - that's the longest I've "tried" in the year since we broke up. Every time before, I would come back and freak out and leave after a week or two. I think two months is a fair shot.

I was thinking today about what I had to give up to be with ex-SO and what prevents me from being able to accept his situation and go back to it. For some reason the "little" things are what drive me the most crazy. I think that's because, after I left, I appreciated those little things so much more. Is that normal? Is it the "big" things (financial, BM drama) or the little, petty, day to day things that drive you insane?

I think basically what it boils down to for me is loss of control. That my weekends weren't my own. That I couldn't do what I what, when I wanted to. Maybe that's immature, but I really value that in life - especially after I gave it up for so long. I'm 31 and childless... I should have been out enjoying my life in my late 20's. I wasn't, I was sitting at home with ex-SO and his kid or sitting at home by myself because he would make me feel guilty when I went out without him.

It was just simple stuff. Like we only had the weekends together due to his schedule, so I had limited time for friends and hobbies and other things that made me happy. Things that he never understood because he didn't have the time for them himself between his work schedule, kid schedule, and a relationship. Our big problem always was that he doesn't have much going on outside of his significant other. Me, I have multiple things in life that make me happy... I always thought that was the healthiest thing, but he doesn't operate that way.

I feel relieved. A bit stupid, because part of me feels that I went back to him because the relationship I had after him didn't work out, and it was the holidays, and I was lonely and scared. I don't want to feel like I used him, which is what he keeps telling me. Like I said, I tried for two months this time. I can't look back and say I never tried, that I bailed - that's kind of how I felt when I left. That I let things build for so long and I left very quickly and it wasn't fair because he didn't get the opportunity to change things. Well, he tried this time, so I do feel bad about that a little. He was getting a babysitter every other week. He sent me flowers at work. He bought me jewelry, stuff he never did. He was trying not to give me grief when I went out with friends, even if it cut into our time. He was trying. But we were still fighting EVERY SINGLE WEEK, ALL WEEK, for two months. How is that healthy? He tries to tell me we aren't toxic - uh... ok.

He keeps acting like my life is a choice between snapping him up and accepting his life - basically continuing to live my life feeling like I'm trying to cram a square peg into a round hole - or end up a single cat lady. And I think for awhile I let that fear get the better of me. I'm 31, with no kids, I'm smart, have a great job, live in an awesome city with a lot of single people my age. Online dating may be annoying and depressing sometimes, but it's shown me there are other people out there. And I'm okay with being alone for awhile. And after two months of feeling like I am living my life "against the grain" - if that makes any sense - I'd rather be alone. At least then I have some peace and quiet, not to mention freedom.

Comments

Shaman29's picture

Wasp - I am 46 and childless and starting over again.

Read my last blog, you don't want to waste any more of your time with someone that doesn't respect the person you are and expects you to change to suit their needs.

I have been living this life for nearly 8 years. Don't be me.

http://www.steptalk.org/node/176976

You have made the right decision and at 31, you're life is just beginning. Go on and be well and be happy.

wasp's picture

I read it. After I left I started doing that thing we all do which is just remembering the good stuff. After two months back in this situation I remember now how unhappy I was every weekend. How I turned into a person I didn't like, like you said. I'm terrified of going back to that.

ctnmom's picture

"Snap him up "lol- Wasp, he's hardly a prize. And it's no little thing not to have a life. His setup is absurd and I don't know a single sane woman who would put up with it.

Generic's picture

I have always wondered if all these step issues were fixed, would it make everything work? Like the kids become well behaved, DH picks up his slack, BM becomes un-crazy. . . Basically all these miracles happen and nothing to point to blame- would the relationship survive. Your story confirms my opinion that it's not these external side issues. They are just symptoms. The step life is inherently imbalanced and no amount of suppressing symptoms will cure it. Although, I will admit many families DO create living, healthy step families- but it takes major aggressive interventions. At 31, in a cool city with fun friends, I can't say I blame you for not taking something if this magnitude on.

wasp's picture

The kid personally was the least of our issues. And there was no BM drama other than the fact that SHE got all her weekends free while I was living the family life EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND and it pissed me off.

I mean, it was an adjustment dealing with normal annoying child behavior for me - I'm not a kid person - but that was the least of the problems. I felt confined in his life. I felt like it wasn't my own. I felt like I had to sacrifice many normal, stupid things to hang out with him and his kid every weekend. Even two evenings a month of adult time seems like a HUGE sacrifice to me. Two nights out of THIRTY I actually get to have the life I want.

I was always tolerating the situation and feeling like I was the square peg I was repeatedly trying to stuff into a round hole. That's no way to live your life. I've tried... repeatedly... and I'm not happy in the relationship. That should be enough for me, but here I am trying to talk things out and reassure myself. Maybe one day I'll figure out why the hell I don't trust my own judgment and why I seek out situations that make me unhappy and don't truly fit my values in life.

Shaman29's picture

Wasp, this is very similar to my experience.

I am grateful you are not married and this will be an easier transition for you. You're going forward wiser now and with enough awareness that you won't make the same mistake twice.

I am so happy for you!

Generic's picture

No, I totally get it. But you admit that he attempted to make things better like getting a sitter. And with both of you giving it a good honest second try, you still came to the conclusion that his life is not the life for you. And personally, I think that's what dating is for - finding out if your lives can be compatible. I see so many on here say that everything is perfect except for this one area. Like the same music? Check! Feeling goosebumps when we kiss? Check! Enjoying hanging out every single weekend with a kid (and not even your own)? Um Nope! Big hurdle there, and I admire you for looking at the situation as a whole and realizing you deserve more. No amount of compartmentalizing is worth giving up your quality of life.