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I wish I could just be completely happy...

Corazon's picture

My fiance and I live together with his 3 yr old son half the time. At first it was hard because of the BM, along with adjusting to having a little one around all the time. Things have gotten better with the BM so far and his son and I are starting to form a bond. Yet, I still find myself feeling sad at times. I know I'm not ready to have a child of my own, but watching them makes me long to share that bond parents have with their children. It makes me sad because we're both trying to start a career for ourselves. I'm in school and my fience is working his way up, no one would be happy if we had a kid right now, especially because he already has one. I know I'm not ready right now, but if we have to have a kid in our lives, I think would be happier if the child were ours. I don't know, It hurts when I look at his son because I can see his BM in him. I wonder if our child would make him proud the way his son does. If our child would get to share the same bond. I'm also afraid that because our child will be his second that it will be different. That the experience won't be as profound because it is his second time around for everything. I want to get the full experience out of life and I want to be able to share the same experience with my significant other. Will it be the same if he already has a son and I will be experiencing my first? That's my biggest fear. He told me he cried when his son was born. What if he doesn't have the same feeling when our child is born? Am I the only one who feels this way? Thanks for your time.


hopeful's picture

I can empathize with your feelings and concerns. I think that feeling some sadness at the bond that a child creates between two people even beyond divorce is very common. I know that I feel that way sometimes when I see my husband's children. Certainly it would be far easier if we had children only with our current spouses but that is not the reality, nor will it ever be. What is that saying "Grant me the courage to accept what I cannot change...."

Regarding your concern with having children and whether the experience will be the same for your fiance the second time around. Every child birth is unique and special, even when their are subsequent children of a couple together. This is the most intimate, magical, beautiful experience in life and you have that to look forward to someday. So try not to be sad that you haven't experienced this yet but rather, anticipate the beauty of the experience when in the future. Enjoy the times that you have now as much as you can....they go by so quickly. Take care.

Corazon's picture

it can be such a struggle at times. I hope everything comes together. I think one of the scaries things in life is the unknown, at least that's what I find myself fearing the most. My feelings have gotten a lot better than they were in the beginning... so we'll see. Thanks for your advise hopeful.

Anne 8102's picture

It will be absolutely fabulous... if you wait until the time is right. If you don't, it will be a nightmare.

Enjoy the time you have together alone and the time you have with just his son. Take some time to get acclimated to the situation you are in before you start making drastic changes, such as bringing another child into the mix. Do the things you want to do for YOU personally and career-wise, because when a baby comes along, you can forget most of the you stuff for a very long time. Trust me, you will be much happier if you don't look back with regrets.

My husband had three children from a prior marriage. I had one child from a prior marriage. We got married and had a child together. I can promise you that number five was just as thrilling, meaningful and profound for us both, although she was number two for me and number four for him. It was our first TOGETHER and that's what made it unique. It's different every time, but certainly no less special. When the time is right for the two of you to have a child together, it will be everything you want and expect it to be. The heart has an infinite capacity for love, especially where children are concerned.

~ Anne ~

Corazon's picture

To hear you say that after both of you have already had children shows me that it truly will be special. I will definitely wait to have kids. My fiance and his ex were only together 2 months when she was expecting and they were not ready. From what I was told it was a very stressful experience for them. I definitely don't want my experience to be a stressful one but happy occasion for everyone.

Anonymous's picture

I really do empathize with you. I face some of the same issues myself. I'm not sure if I'm ready to have a child, but seeing Hubby and his 2 SD really wracks me sometimes. At those times I want to have a child so badly it's like a physical pain. Also, when I first met him, he didn't want any more children, but changed his mind later. When things are difficult I see him reverting back to that original opinion. It hurts, but we press on. Hopefully it will all work out in the end the way it's supposed to. So for now all we can do is hope and pray that we can push through those hard times to when bringing a new life into the world will be pure joy instead of pure stress. Good luck.