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Just venting...

Corazon's picture

I think that my fiance and I are on the verge of breaking up. I just don't know how to handle this whole stepparenting situation and dealing with the biomother of his son. I don't want to. I don't have any kids so it's really hard for me to accept it all. Sometimes I just feel so much hatred for the biomother for getting pregnant. They were only dating two months!! There are rumors that she tried to trap him which makes me even more angry and bitter about it all. I just don't understand why someone would do that? I feel like this whole situation has turned me into a different person. In the beginning of my relationship I had to go through so much crap with the biomother, who was constantly accusing me for being at fault for everything. Things have calmed down since, but I just dread the future. I don't like having to watch my back all the time. Especially when it comes to my family. No one understands what I'm going through. I feel like I found my soulmate... but with a huge price to pay for it. I'm afraid that too many mean words have been said out of anger and there are too many missunderstandings between us now that I don't know if we can even stay together anymore. Why does life have to be so hard? I don't want to be the evil stepmother. I'm not a bad person, and I feel that's what the biomother is going to try to make me into. I don't want to deal with the biomother for the rest of my life. It's hard seeing the man I love, that I want to start a family with eventually, already be a father to someone else's child. It's really hard for me when people gush about how cute he is or how much they look alike. What should I do?

Comments

williteverend's picture

but keep in mind that this is what the X wants to have happen. The truth is that you are moving into a very difficult position. It is a rare day when the X is a nice person and puts the needs of their child (or children) first. You will be to blame (although it is not really your fault) for everything and you will have to put up with feeling left out of the loop when their child comes to visit. But you can make it work if you have good communication between you and your fiancee.

On the other hand - keep in mind that you will never have a "normal" life with him. He does have a child with someone else and will have at least a business relationship with that person until child suppport is over (at the very least). She isn't going to disappear and you will bear the brunt of her anger for many years. In the majority of cases, crazy doesn't even accurately describe the X's behavior.

The good news is that, eventually, it does get better - I think that is due to the fact that you just eventually reach a place where you just get sick of it and place less importance on it. My husband and I have been together for many years and it has definitely had its ups and downs. I love him oodles, but I wish with all of my heart that I was the first for everything in his life. He never makes me feel second, but when his kids visit - I just do. We have begun our own family now and it makes it easier, because my kids love me in the way that his kids love him. That may sound selfish (and it probably is), but he pays more attention to us now and that makes all of the difference in our relationship. It is definitely an adjustment for his kids, but it is important for them to realize that our lives don't revolve around them and they need to learn to fit in with our family - not our family change for them...

In any case - we have all had different experiences...and yours will be different than any of ours. Whatever you read about our experiences, you will never fully understand what you will be experiencing until you go through it yourself. This blog is a great place to vent, but I also think that you should also talk to people who aren't jaded (like veteran step mothers) or personally involved (like family and friends) to figure out for yourself if this is right for you. If it is right - things will work out in time, but not overnight... If you really believe that you can't handle it though - don't stay in it.

Anonymous's picture

I have been with my fianc'e for almost 7 years. We have a 4 year old son together and he also has a daughter whom is 9 with his ex. We have been fighting his ex for custody of his daughter for a couple of years now over what her mother has put her through. And still never seem to get anywhere in the court system. The ex has had 4 more children since with several other men. She has been a pain in the butt since the get go. In our relationship, we have overcome a lot of obsticles that had come about with his ex. But with all the added stress has become too much. His ex's husband molested my step daughter and she still remains married to him yet lives and has another child with this new guy. Ever since nothing has seemed to changed I have noticed my relationship with his daughter has gotten strained and that she's been trying to break us up and get her little brother in trouble for spite. And whenever we begin going through court again my fianc'e just goes off the deep end with me and blames me for all her mistakes and what's going on with his daughter. I have no control over any of it and have tried to be there through it all but its made things between us really bad, too many hurtful things and so much more. What do I do? I am ready to walk, I feel obligated to his daughter but she is not mine and my son and I don't need the stress anymore or watch his father get worse and worse over all his pain of what he can't change. He used to be a wonderful man but through all the years of the court system he has resorted to achole and becomes sometimes violent with me. As much as I have tried to ignore the warning signs now I am afraid of what our son is watching from his father's role modeling and don't want him to grow up and be like him and how he is handling his problems. I hate living in her shadow when I haven't done anything wrong.
What do I do???
frustrated

Nise's picture

If he is being violent with you…for the sake of your son and your own sanity, you need to leave! I’d hate to put “levels” to abuse because in my eyes, abuse is abuse pure and simple and any man who hits you once will do it again especially if there is drinking involved!!!…but you know the “difference” (if there is such a thing…) between abusive (unpredictably frequent outbursts) and violence out of anger (rarely/nearly never occurs) if you think it is violence born out of frustration and it’s not who he is…maybe you two can try to get help from a pastor or professional counselor…if he is not willing to get help or doesn’t think he needs it…that is a BAD sign!!! If you know deep down that he is abusive and that is who he is (or who he has become) you will have to make provisions to leave as soon as possible!!!! Quick question…why have you stayed engaged for 7+ years and not yet married? The fact that you haven’t will definitely make it easier (in some ways though I realize that emotionally it is all the same) to leave…

It never ends! You will always have to share. The ex will always be there. Here is something I never thought about when the stepkids were younger. They grow up and then come the weddings and grandkids. That really stirs up emotions !!!! Especially between the ex and your spouse. I don't even think they are aware of what they are going through but I know first hand that it hurts! Having your own children together certainly helps ease the pain and make
things alot more tolerabe but I wasn't that lucky. What if you or he can not have more children? Scary thought ! Unless your spouse is extremly sensitive to your feelings ,and the situation in general , you are in for a very difficult life. How old are you? Do you have to settle for someone who has already experienced many of the "Firsts" you have always dreamed about? If you are in your 20-30's give yourself more time to find your soulmate without so many shadows. I wish I had set higher standards for myself, Things naturally get more complicated as we get older but if you are young...don't short change yourself so quickly. If it's really meant to be you will hook up with him later. If you stay then please
seek couple counseling before you say "I DO". A professional will help the two of you set boundaries and ground rules etc. Good luck!

Dawn-Moderator's picture

I can relate to your story with the biomom. I had resentment about the ex getting pregnant after only dating a short while. It doesn't bother me as much anymore. It just took time. I still think that she is lacking in the moral department but that's just my opinion.

Anyway, it is tough and the road is very rough. Early on in the relationship with my husband I cried a lot!! He was always understanding and we made it through. It wasn't and sometimes still isn't easy. I just keep on plowing through.

It is your decision. Keep on venting here. It has helped me because my family can't really relate to what I go through either.

Dawn

skye22's picture

The girl got pregnant the same day they met. I guess I felt like it would have been better if they had a relationship. I was angry that a one night stand could rearrange my whole life. In the beginning I had NO Clue what I had gotten myself into. I met my soul mate and although I wasn't crazy about the thought of being a stepmother I figured how hard could it possibly be. We only have him two weekends out of the month and he is a good little guy. The only problem is that the kid wasn't hard to accept its the crap that the mom has put us through. But it bothered me even more after we got married and she had his child and I was his wife and we did not share that special bond yet. We now have a beautiful baby boy together and it has given me validation and peace. I no longer feel like the third party in his family.

Corazon's picture

I just wanted to thank everyone for the advice. I was really going through a hard time at the point. I have my ups and downs, usually ups but when I'm down I feel really hopeless. I'm really lucky to have the fiance I do, he's always making sure that I'm happy. If he notices a change in my personality he tries to find out what's wrong so we can fix it right away. He'll never do anything with the ex that makes me feel uncomfortable either, which means so much! The ex has been pretty good too. She hasn't done or said anything lately. She actually wrote me a letter saying that I probably think she's evil and apologized for the way she had been acting. His son is only 3 so that gives me an advantage on building a strong relationship with him. I know that I'm going to experience more hard times in the future but as long as things stay this way I'm sure my fiance and I can work things out one day at a time. Sometimes I think that situations like these add a little spice to life, as long as it doesn't go overboard. A lot of first marriages fail... and I wonder if it's from that lack of spice. :o)