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wish they didn’t exist

Thisiszen7's picture

So where do i even begin.... i know the way i feel might not be "okay" or "normal" but i can't stop myself from a feeling that's obviously there. I fell in love with my husband but not his 2 children (9 year old son, and 4 year old daughter). I think it's gotten to the point where i need to end the marriage because i can't stand his children at all and i wish they would disappear and never have to see us or talk to us ever again. Me and my husband have a 6 month old daughter together and i don't want his kids anywhere near our baby. His kids are definitely not raised with any common courtesy or respect and i don't have the patience to try and teach it to them when all they do is scream, fight, and disrespect me and my home because that's just how they're raised by their mom. I just don't want anything to do with it anymore. I tried for 1 1/2 years to be nice to them and try and be a good step mom when they would come on the weekends but i keep realizing that i will never love those children or want them around me. They made me feel like a prisoner in my own home. I don't see my husband in those kids at all and i wish he never had them since he always told me he had both of them by mistake and didn't try. Some part of me wishes he would just continue our family together and forget about his past and his other kids. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Because i don't know what to do and the only option seems to be ending the relationship. 


Maxwell09's picture


....and whatever kind of dad he is to those kids is more than likely the same kind of dad he'll be with y'all's mutual child. Think about all the things that the kids do that annoy you, where is he? Is is actively parenting his kids? Is he instantly jumping in there to shut them down every single time they disrespect you? Have you asked him to? What does he do when you point out his kids behavior? And I noticed you didn't give any of the main thread I've noticed about posts here is that some stepparents chalk up NORMAL annoying preteen or toddler or even young adult behavior to being 'because they're raised by bm'  when it's normal milestone stuff. Try looking up common behaviors for the ages of skids and see whats  listed. Then you can try to figure out what's 'normal' kid behavior (hormones/immaturity) and what's stepchild behavior (manipulation/age regression) and give YOUR DH helpful tools to make things better because he is responsible for their behavior in relation to you, yalls child and your home. You have a DH problem and you should focus on that since there's nothing you can do about bm parents (or lack thereof) in her own home. 

OR you can disengage, some call it the nachoing technic and some people are very successful at it but I don't see it go well very often when it's younger kids like yours. 

SteppedOut's picture

Agree. Dad/your husband is also raising or not raising them, so fault lands on his shoulders as well. 

Who does the "work" for his kids when they come for visitation with HIM? I sure hope it is HIM because they are 100% not your responsibility. HE should be stopping them from screaming, fighting and whatever else nonsense is going on. 

Trying to put up with feral children is difficult at best. If your husband won't parent them, then yes, you probably should leave because it won't get better. 


justmakingthebest's picture

I don't think there is any right or wrong when it comes to how you feel. It is draining to be a step parent. Like the posters above asked, what is your husband doing during his parenting time? Does he enforce basic rules in your home? 

Also, keep in mind that if you divorce, unless he is a deadbeat he has a shot of at least 50/50 custody with your child. Courts are moving more and more towards making that the standard. But even if he is an EOWend Dad it will likely be that he has all of his kids together. Then you will not have a say or supervision over what is happening with your child there.

Aside from the children- what is your marriage like? I have been divorced and I don't take marriage lightly, especially when children are involved. Is this man your friend? Is he your supporter? Do you love him? Because if he is a good man, a good husband and a good father to your joint child, you shouldn't give up. 

Disengaging is often a Godsend in situations like yours. Sign up for mommy and me classes for Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon do a baby swim class at your local YMCA, get involved in church on Sunday- make your weekends full so that YOU aren't dealing with the stepkids. You aren't doing it in a malicious way that will lead to resentment, you just have things going on. 

ESMOD's picture

Yes... and I wouldn't discount the possibility that with a new baby that OP is feeling some of the effects of some post partum depression and that is making her feel especially bleak about things.  A new child, while a happy occasion, does also bring new stress into a home.. even good things are stressors on our systems... and the hormonal shift she may also be experiencing?  speaking about it with her medical professional should be a priority before she throws away her relationship.

In this situation, she also needs to keep in mind that once divorced.. her child will have visitation with dad in his home with those other kids and she will not be there to oversee that.  just a thought.

But, she does need to realize that her husband also has a hand in raising his children.. he needs to step up if he hasn't already... OP should not have to take care of his kids for him.. she doesn't have to "mom" them at all.. he is their parent.  

thiscantbenormal's picture

I didn't wish they didn't exist. I wish i didn't get involved.  I got the firm dad and "discipline/parenting = abuse" BM scenario. As the PAS ramped up and came to a climax after my daughter was born, I prefer those kids pretend she doesn't exist for the rest of their lives because they are not safe and will hurt my daughter to hurt their dad.

My steps did go away and at this moment we have to keep them away (even if they realize their dad is not the monster that belongs in jail their mom betrays him to be) for our household safety.  He still has his memories and those are not going away.  And he misses them..  Any milestone or event my daughter does will be met with a comparison memory of the first family.  And his family are still going to wish his dysfunctional kids and crazy dysfunctional  BM was there at the table instead of me and my daughter.


Justthesecondwife's picture

knowing that when your bio goes throught their milestones, and you are happy and want it to be a happy family time, that your DH will always be feeling your family is not enough. It's not wrong for DH to feel that way, as the skids are his family, but it's really tough on the SM from my point of view (unless the skids are nice and have blended well).

I have felt, and still do at times, how unfair it is that my family (DH, Bios and I - though I am very fond of my SS but he is an adult living in another state) can't experience the same joy and unfettered excitement about milestones, holidays, or whatever the case may be, becuase DH is feeling loss, not happiness. He is sad because SD is evil and they don't see one another, so she isn't there, nor my SS. Both skids are adults who were able to have all their milestones celebrated without a cloud over their heads, and BM didn't have to tend to a morose husband who instead of celebrating his younger bios, was focusing on what he was missing and comparing the past. I get resentful sometime that DH and BM had those happy times where their family was enough, and no one was wallowing in self pity that someone (unrelated to oen of them) was not there. 

I realise it's a selfish feeling of mine because I would also be devastated if one or both of my bios ended up evil and estranged from me but at the same time I allow myself to have those feelings once in a while. We are human, and we have human feelings of upset at the thought the we aren't "enough", and if "just" us and our bios are there our DH's will not feel complete. 

My inlaws also wish my bios and myseld weren't in the picture, and it was still the golden times (in their eyes) of the real family of DH BM and skids. So I now give them part of their wish, my bios and I don't have anything to do with them anymore. And they can have BM all they want. Unforutnately for them, DH also isn't there, although they seem less upset about not having him in their lives than BM and her mini troll.

unhappy_step's picture

i also wish that his 10 yo daughter didn't exist. she was a mistake and now everyone he ever brings into his life has to deal with her.

CLove's picture

About Feral Forger who came into my life when she was 15. Shes now 21, and is living with her mother and I havent had to live with her for 3 plus years (yay me!)

She was horrible to me and full of disrespect for everyone not just me.

strugglingSM's picture

I have had similar feelings, but really, they were the result of BM's cage-rattling, trying to control our home, and PAing. 

I also had issues with DH's expectations about us being a "family", but then expecting me to fade into the background when SSs are around. 

DH used to parent them, but now he doesn't, because BM has made it so difficult and he's afraid they won't want to come around. I now wish one of them wouldn't come around...or when he did come around, I wish he would remind himself that he actually enjoys spending time with his dad (DH) and he should focus on that, instead of serving as BM's emissary to complain about all of her perceived slights. 

This year, I realized that it's actually SSs who are losing out. DH and I have a great relationship, he's a wonderful person and a great dad. If SSs actually let him be their dead instead of allowing BM to ruin things, they would be so much better off in life. 

Instead, they will likely end up living with BM and working minimum wage jobs for life, because she expects nothing from them and has convinced them that they are victims. 

That doesn't mean I am any less annoyed with them when they are here, but it does mean that I now realize that I'm the one who is getting the good end of the deal and they are missing choice.