New Shoes
2 days after being here (after not wanting to come for summer but having to be here because their mom went to visit her boyfriend in a different state), they hit DH up for STUFF.
They want new Nikes for back-to-school.
That's all fine and well, except for:
1. CS is supposed to cover that stuff
2. DH told them they have to earn it, so what is he teaching them? One week of good and respectful behavior and they can earn expensive shoes. Nice.
3. That'd be basically rewarding them for stuff they were supposed to be doing anyway.
4. That'd be basically like paying more CS in order to see them for a week in summer.
5. That'd be like giving BM extra to spend on herself and not the kids.
Anyway, my plan is that if they have to get new shoes, everyone gets new shoes since DH and I both desperately need sneakers too. 
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"if they have to get new
"if they have to get new shoes, everybody gets new shoes"
You desperately needed shoes but didn't think to get any until your stepkids asked for some?
It seems strange to me to begrudge the kids asking for shoes. Even if they are told no, what kid doesn't ask for things, whether they need/deserve them or not. But then again, I don't think CS is specifically for shoes.
Whether they get new shoes or not, I definitely think you should have some. Happy shoe-shopping for you!
Agreed. He should and does
Agreed. He should and does take care of them. But that doesn't have to include expensive sneakers, especially when we buy cheaper sneakers for ourselves. SD watched DH buy a sneaker at Target for $15 once and was totally disgusted.
Plus, DH would never run out and just get them it, but he does feel guilty and sad about not buying (if that's what he decides to do).
Sure it's good that they have to earn it, but the real question is if he will really monitor for them to "earn" it, or just say that and buy it even if they don't make earning grade.
Plus, do you teach kids to be helpful and respectful only in order to get stuff?
It is very difficult
It is very difficult especially regarding doing chores to "earn" anything when they are here for such a short time.
We'll see what DH actually does and decides. He's been doing much better than one yr ago.
"He should and does take care
"He should and does take care of them. But that doesn't have to include expensive sneakers, especially when we buy cheaper sneakers for ourselves."
You're right. It doesn't have to include expensive sneakers, but does that mean it CAN'T include them? Plenty of kids would balk at tennis shoes from Target. I know I did when I was younger. Who wants to be THAT kid? When I was younger, I'd rather wear a pair of sandals from Payless (with no identifiable name on them) than a cheap no-name pair of sneakers where everybody could see that they are no-names.
Now that I'm an adult, it's silly that kids can't just wear whatever sneakers that feel good to them. That doesn't mean I forgot how it was when I was experiencing it.
I hear what you are saying. I
I hear what you are saying.
I don't know if it's just me, because I'm from another country and I wore uniforms to school, but the need to look good and have the most expensive stuff here is ridiculous! So many people living above their means just in order to not get laughed at by other people living above their means.
I'm not saying your H should
I'm not saying your H should buy his kids the latest and greatest of everything. My point is that I don't think it's so bad to relate to the kids in this area. If your H is okay with buying them shoes, that doesn't automatically mean he has to buy them $100 or $150 top of the line shoes. He can meet them in the middle.
My husband has bought new
My husband has bought new shoes for his kids since his divorce from BM. It's just his little way of making them feel special. Skids don't understand that things their mother buys for them is coming from Dad's CS payment. This way they get to see him buy them something. Although I believe it should stop after high school graduation. My ss18 talked DH into a $140.00 pair of shoes this year for college. Please. He claimed this was the last year Dad would have to do it for him. :sick: Can you say "entitlement syndrome"?!? Time to get a part time job.
My ex and I do 50/50 with no
My ex and I do 50/50 with no child support. Has worked quite well for us.
You think custody should be
You think custody should be 50/50 with no CS changing hands automatically? What if the parents don't want 50/50 or if they don't live close enough for that to work? In many cases, CP/NCP is the most logical split.
Oh and when I was young, I didn't get the correlation between my parents paycheck/work schedule/household expenses. That's not just CS-related.
This is part of the reason
This is part of the reason why he wants to buy them the sneakers - because it always looks as though he hardly ever buys them stuff but their mom buys them stuff all the time. They have a general idea about the CS but no details. They make him feel like he isn't providing for them even though it's not true, leading to lots of guilt, sadness, anger in DH.
Heck, the kids acknowledge Santa as giving them stuff (and at 11 and 12 they still believe in him because it apparently quite profitable to do so), but there is very little acknowledgement for DH's contribution to the comfortable life they have at mom's house. This doesn't bother me much, since I know that DH works very hard and contributes more than his fair share to take care of them, but the lack of acknowledgement that he is a provider for them really touches a nerve with DH sometimes.
If $'s aren't the issue I
If $'s aren't the issue
I would take a big step back here. I don't get involved with how DH spends his money on his daughter - it's his business. We're okay financially and we both save for retirement. If it gets to be a problem or you feel that you share an unfair portion of the finances - do a budget. That's what I did and it helped DH see what he was spending on his daughter and what for. I've found that I have to pick my battles in the stepparenting role.
$ is definitely the issue. I
$ is definitely the issue.
I have 2 pairs of shoes - a casual shoe I wear all the time and the pair of sandals I got married in. DH has 3 - everyday work shoes, dress work shoes and a pair of sneakers. Both of us do without, so that all the bills are paid and the "divorce debt" gets reduced. We should see the light by 2013, according to our budget and plan.
DH takes care of his kids when they are with us - they don't go without food, or clothes or even entertainment. DH pays his CS. He pays for the kids' insurance and he recently decided to pay for all their uncovered medical expenses because their mom refused to pay her share. I agreed with him on that one because I think their health is of utmost importance and prevention is better than cure. We took them to the dentist for the first time ever in their lives. They didn't ask for that and they don't care how much it cost and no one would have made fun of them in school about the cavities that no one could really see, but it cost us more than expensive shoes would cost. I am fine with dipping into our measly savings for important stuff e.g. medical. But sometimes it seems like I'm sacrificing just so that others can use that measly savings on frivolous stuff. I'm not saying that that's necessarily the case, but it sure seems like that sometimes... which makes me then think "F-it!, we might as well spend some on ourselves too and enjoy today, because that tomorrow we're saving for might never come."
Understood I didn't have a
Understood
I didn't have a lot growing up so if I wanted a certain dress, shoes, purse I had to work and pay for them with my own $'s. So I completely get what you are saying. And teaching kids about $'s and budgets can be a good thing. They won't want to hear it but will appreciate it later.
A lot of people get by with
A lot of people get by with less
We don't need X # of shoes to survive and if stepmom31 says she owns 2 pairs who are we to say she's wrong? Also, why should we question why she is married? She is married and she comes to this site looking for advice. Why not offer Stepmom31 some suggestions or share your experience with her?
Stepmom31 it doesn't sound like you are neglecting these kids and if $'s are an issue - discuss a budget for all of the family with DH and stick to it. You are not obligated to buy them name brand sneakers - buy what you can afford and what is fair. Just my opinion.
I would add that there are
I would add that there are deals on the internet find the brand and shop it out.
All good ideas. But I'm
All good ideas. But I'm pretty sure the kids would turn up their noses at cheap even if it's name brand. Plus, it would mean that daddy is trying to spend less on them and they want to see him spend a good deal of money on them - that would make them feel good.
Whenever he spends money on eating out for them etc., they always say "Thanks dad". Whenever he does a memorable activity with them that costs zero e.g. take them to the beach, they don't say thanks. If we buy Chinese food, we get thanks. If we cook Chinese food, no thanks. If we buy pizza, they are happy. If we make pizza, it's not the same.
He took them to see the fireworks on 4th July (as a memorable experience because his parents took him when he was a kid), there were thanks - "for buying us food, for buying us balloons, for buying us light-up toys", they could not stop saying thanks. But no thanks for taking them to see the fireworks because that was actually free to the public. The thanks come when visible money is spent rather than trying to take the budget route.
Now parents don't parent for the "thanks" of it, right? Otherwise many would quit.
Normal nuclear family parents, I think, can say no to their kids and handle the negative reaction without the fear of losing their kids' love. Divorced parents, it seems, esp non-custodial parents who have already, in some way, lost their kids, live in fear of completely losing them due to silliness e.g. over a pair of shoes.