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OK, I'm totally confused on what to do....

Shell97's picture

Here's the situation.....BS11 is grounded from the pc through the week, but gets 1/2 hour on Saturdays and Sundays until he brings his grades back up. He was totally grounded from the pc, but has been slowly bringing his grades up, so we have been slowly giving him back some privileges. SD15 is also grounded from the pc until Dec.31st and can not get her drivers permit until Feb. 17th (was able to get it Dec. 17th) because she broke 2 house rules, 1 promise, and lost our trust in her atm. (I have another blog explaining exactly what she did, "Were DH & I to harsh?" if you feel like reading it to get some more background on the situation)SD15 leaves Saturday to go visit with BM for a week and will be back the 27th. Originally DH & I were going to get SD15 a cell phone for Christmas(b/c she says she just has to have one), BS11 was gonna get an MP3 player, and SD12 (who lives with BM in another state) was going to get laptop with a webcam. We bought the laptop off e-bay for $70...which is the amount we were going to spend on SD15's cell phone (including airtime) and BS11's MP3 player. Well, when SD15 found out that SD12 was getting a laptop and she wasn't....all hell broke lose. "why does she get one and I don't? you guys weren't gonna spend that much on me & BS11 for our gifts. blah, blah, blah" So DH & I searched e-bay and found 1 more laptop and a desktop pc at a price we could afford and that was close to what we spent on SD12's. So now all 3 kids are getting their own computers. Now here's where the twist comes in....2 out of the 3 kids are grounded from using the pc (well BS11 can on weekends but that's it). And the reason why SD15's grounding from the pc goes until Dec.31st is b/c she will be spending next week with BM, who doesn't know SD15 is not allowed on the pc.

So here's my problem....DH & I got into a small argument last night about this. SD15's laptop arrived last night and she was so excited, b/c she said that she can't wait to get back from BM's to use it. I said well ummm....remember you're grounded from using the computer. Her reply "you guys are not fair." Then DH kind of flips out on me and says " I planned on letting both BS11 & SD15 off grounding when SD15 gets back, so they could use their Christmas gifts. B/C it wouldn't be fair to say here is your gift, but you can't use it yet." I said "OK, first of all I didn't know that was your plan and second, how it that fair to BS11 who will be still grounded next week (his first week of Christmas break) and SD15 is off with BM & won't be?" DH's response "I can't control what SD15 does when she is with BM." I guess he is forgetting about the new court order giving him custody of SD15 and BM has to do what DH says when it comes to SD15. So, yeah he can. But he refuses to tell BM what SD15 did and that she is grounded.

So here's my question....Should I or DH tell BM that SD15 is grounded from the pc and that we would appreciate it if BM followed through with it while SD15 is with her next week? OR Should DH & I just forget about both of their punishments due to it being Christmas?

I want to tell BM, b/c if BS11 still has to be grounded next week....then it is only fair that we notify BM about SD15 being grounded and ask that BM enforce it there too. (and FYI, we have had to enforce punishments @ our home in the past that BM gave the Skids and both homes have the same rules to follow so that there is no break & it doesn't feel like the Skids are on vacation) Dh says that b/c it's Christmas we should let them off....but he also said that BS11 then goes right back to being ground from the pc through the week until his grades come up. So if BS11 has to go back to being grounded then so should SD15, if we let them off for Christmas break. Right? Someone please give me some advice on how to handle this???

Comments

Amazed's picture

Why does a 12 year old girl get a laptop with a webcam????? Why does this feel like an episode of dateline waiting to happen?? Seriously, houses with teenagers should have ONE computer for the kids and it should be in a public,high traffic area of the home or else you're just asking for trouble.

I was never let off the hook just for christmas break. When my grades were bad,I was allowed to open my gifts and then my mother made me give them right back to her until my grades came up. it worked too.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Shell97's picture

The reason for getting SD12 the laptop with a webcam was for us to have a way to see and talk to her b/c we live 1100 miles away. That's it and BM knows this and knows that she is not allowed to use the webcam for anything but that. And in all honesty, I was not to keen on getting BS11 & SD15 (who live with us) their own computers. We have one and it was DH's idea(not mine) to get the kids each one so they wouldn't bug him to let them on when he is on.

But that really isn't my problem anymore. The computers are all bought, paid for, and on their way here. My problem is should we involved BM about SD15's grounding, b/c it isn't fair to BS11 who will still be here next week & still grounded while SD15 isn't. And also letting them both off the hook when SD15 comes back from BM's, but make BS11 go right back to being grounded after Christmas break & SD15 isn't. Those are my main issues right now, that I have no idea how to handle.

Amazed's picture

I just realized I came off seeming completely bitchy and superior. I'm SORRY!! Smile lol, tone is hard to get out when you're typing!

We have issues in our house with the whole grounding thing bc choochoo is always the one grounded while SD is always off the hook. I end up having to let choochoo off the hook ALL THE TIME bc it just doesn't seem fair to him to be grounded and missing everything all the time just bc TheFrizz can't comply with being more strict with SD. I don't think Sd has ever been grounded in her whole spoiled little life even though she should be sometimes.

Wish I had a good suggestion but we struggle with this same problem so much...

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Shell97's picture

It's ok BBB...I just wanted to explain it a little better. I didn't mean for you to think that I thought you were being bitchy and superior. I didn't think that at all.

I think my main problem with DH's plan is....1 he didn't tell me and 2 what SD15 did to get grounded is much worse than BS11's few bad grades. And BS11 is actually trying really hard to bring them up and SD15 is doing nothing to earn our trust back and to follow the rules that have been enforced in our home for the past 10 years (but mainly enforced by me, not DH).

Amazed's picture

Smile

well the reasons for being grounded make a HUGE difference in how it's enforced and for how long. I think if BS is truly trying to correct his grades then naturally he should be let off the hook unless he stops trying all together. i don't think SD15 should be let off the hook by her mom OR by you guys if she isn't trying to repent. But getting Dh to see these things is the challenge.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

hehatesme's picture

man, tough to figure out. I figure that the BM will probably wanna play the hero role and you will not be able to controol the rules there~ meanwhile you can continue to follow through with your rules at home, but end up with the pissed off BS11 cause he will know that the SD15 doesnt have to! if it were me, i'd explain that in your house you will use your rules, and try to explain that they are for a good reason, & you can't inforce them at the other house. If you are sure that the BM will allow access to SD15 on computer, then i guess you just have to figure from when she returns home, her punishment will end on your orrigional date. Stick to your guns my friend! Know that you are being a good mom to yr BS11!

melis070179's picture

I would say that unless you are positive that BM would enforce it, I wouldn't bother and let them BOTH off, or stick to the original plan. But I know I probably would just let them both off early if I had decided to get PCs as their xmas gifts.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Shell97's picture

Ok, but what about DH saying that after Christmas break BS11 goes back to being grounded and only allowed using BS11's own computer on weekends and SD15's grounding from the pc is over with and just has to wait to get her permit?

melis070179's picture

well if her grounding from the computer was shorter anyway, then I don't see the issue? She still has her other punishment. I think if she is being let off a week or two early from the PC grounding, he should get that same week or two off grounding from it too. If his punishment is longer than that week or two (which it is) then he should go back on after that, just like she has to stick to her DL punishment. Right? Or am I missing something?

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Shell97's picture

I guess my point with the pc grounding is....SD15 was to be grounded from it for a month and letting her off 2 weeks early doesn't teach her the lesson that if you do something wrong, there will be consequences. And yes BS11's punishment is from the pc is a little longer than SD15's.

hehatesme's picture

I have some of the same issues going on here, ~ no pc's though~ we have to keep stuff so equal, even when ss16 gets to do absolutely nothing to deserve anything- he has no rules, no punishments etc.. while my daughters 7 & 14 are always held to a higher standard!! GRRR ! takes all the fun out of buying xmas presents!!

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

I wish I had something to offer you but I have never, and I seriously mean NEVER actually enforced a grounding on perfectson17. I've told him he's grounded a million times and then he asks to do something and bats his lashes over his little blue eyes at me and I melt and say "OK" and all is forgiven. Yep, I'm of absolutely no help to you here.

Shell97's picture

That's exactly how I feel....that by letting both SD15 & BS11 off, just b/c it is Christmas, doesn't teach them anything. And that our punishments are just a joke.

As for SD15 being at BM's next week...I feel that if BM knew what SD15, BM would participate in the consequence. But SD15 begged DH & I to not tell BM. B/C I wanted to and suggested to DH that we do and SD15 begged and pleaded with us not to. And SD15 won't tell BM about it either.

Neither of the kids will have unsupervised internet access. BS11's pc will be in his room, but until he is older, there is not internet being connected to it. And as far as SD15's laptop, if she wants to be on the internet, she has to come into the living room with her laptop and connect to the internet. B/C like you, we had the same problem with SD15 and chatting with strangers. She is now limited to being allowed to chat with people she, DH, & I actually know.

Shell97's picture

I think if BM knew what SD15 did, that BM would. Only b/c BM & I have discussed the rules issue before and decided that the rules in both homes would be the same. That way there is no confusion and the Skids can't pull the "well I didn't know" or the "well we can at___(insert BM or DH) house". DH didn't like it to well at first that BM & I decided that was how it was going to be with the rules, b/c it made DH feel that BM had a say in what happens in our home...but in all honesty it makes it easier on the Skids when both homes follow the same rules. So yes, I believe that if BM knew what happened and what the consequences were that BM would enforce them next week while SD15 is visiting.

Jsmom's picture

You should tell the BM that she is grounded. We do that and it follows the child not the house. Also, we have a laptop for my son and not the other kids. Works for us. He has a ton of homework in all the gifted classes and I was tired of him on mine. My SD can't be trusted with one. Make sure you have nannygate or some other software on there that allows you to see their keystrokes. My son knows it is on there he doesn't know how he just knows I can see what he does. We also don't buy for that equally for each others kids. I buy a small gift for each of my skids around $75.00 and spend on my Bio Son about $250.00. My DH celebrates Hannukah and he buys for all three kids. He spends about the same on all three. My son's dad is deceased so he gets from me, my skids get from both parents.