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Need some opinions

Shell97's picture

I need some opinions on a life changing decision that DH & I must make. Here is some back ground info so you can get a better idea of the decision DH & I have to make.

DH & I have been together for 12 years and married for 10 of them. Between the 2 of us, we have 3 children(SD16, SD14, & BS13). SD16(has only been with us for 2 years) & BS13 live with DH & I and SD14 lives with BM. Up until 3 years ago we all lived in the same state. DH, BS13, & myself moved 1000 miles away for a better job offer that DH had. A year later, we got custody of SD16 due to the stepdad molesting her(which I find out later today if his call hearing was continued, yet again). We have had our ups and downs, but lately it seems as though we are on a streak of very bad luck. In March DH's truck had to have front end work done to it, then a month later my van, then a week later DH needed 2 new tires, and now his truck needs more front end work done. Well DH is the only one working, because I have not been able to find anything where I don't have to travel under an hour away to get there. If I want to travel 2+ hours to get there and then another 2+ hours to get home, I could have a job. But at minimum wage, that commute is not worth it with the gas prices.

Well my father owns his own trucking business and has so much work, that he can't do it all himself. Plus my dad is 56 years old and has health problems and wants DH & I to eventually take over the business. He has tried to find help, but can't find anyone that will do it & who is reliable. So my father has made DH & I an offer. His offer is...he will make us(well me, due to a greedy BM) partners of his business, he will guarantee DH & I a steady salary with health benefits, he will provide us a home to live in rent free until we could save up to buy our own, and he will come 1000 miles to move us back to PA.

My dad made us this offer last week. When I first told DH about it, DH said no. Then over the weekend DH & I were going over our bills and we can pay all of our bills & gas for him to get to work, but we won't have money for food or any extras that we need. And it won't help us if I would take a minimum wage job that is 2+ hours away. Well on Monday, DH says call your dad and make sure he is serious and DH had some other questions for me to ask him too. So I did and my dad is serious and gave me the answers to all of DH's questions. And now DH & I are seriously considering it. But here is the problem....BS13 & SD16 don't want to move. SD16 will be a Senior next year, she made cheer captain for next year, & is enrolled in a program that will pay her college tuition for 5 years. BS13 has a lot of friends here, is on the football team, and just doesn't want to move. So do DH & I uproot BS13 & SD16 again? If we do, SD16 already said she would go live with BM if we did move back. DH feels that in the long run, it is a good move for us. Because our income will triple, if not more. But DH isn't certain we should uproot the kids again. SD16 will possibly go to the school she went to before moving in with us. But BS13 will have to go to another new school, where he knows no one.

I have not been able to sleep since DH started considering doing this. I tried for 7 years to get DH to move away from my family. Not my dad, just my mom & her side of the family. There is a lot of bad history there and I don't want to go back to it. Plus if we do go back, my dad will be living in the finished room in the garage of the house he is supplying for us. Because finally after a year from telling my mom he wanted a divorce, he is moving out. She just doesn't know it yet. And I know when she finds all this out, it will cause big problems.

I just need some opinions about what you would do in this situation. I have no one to turn to. No one in my family knows about this and don't want them to until I know what we are going to do. But I need some opinions.

Comments

Kes's picture

Nobody can make this decision for you, but considering what you have said about the situation I feel the main points you need to think about are:
-you said for 7 yrs you tried to move away from your family. Is your financial situation dire enough that you are willing to be near them again and actually have your father living with you?
-Do you and your husband get on well enough with your father that you can live AND work with him? What will happen if the arrangement breaks down and you have nowhere to live and no job?
-What effect will the move have on your BS and SD and are you prepared for the effect on your relationship with them?
It is a very difficult decision to make - I hope you make the right one for you, and good luck.

Shell97's picture

I would have to say that yes, our financial situation right now is extremely bad. DH & I get along great with my father. I love my father dearly. It is just my mother & most of her side of the family that DH & I can't get along with. Though this time, we won't be living right beside all of them, like we originally did when we use to live there. We will be about half and hour from them. I don't see that it would be for very long that we would be living with my dad, maybe 6-8 months tops. My dad's business nets 6 figures a year and with DH & I not having a rent payment to make, DH & I would be able to save a big portion of our share of the income to buy our own place. I'm not so much worried about living with my dad or being half an hour from the family members I don't get along with. I am more worried about BS13 & SD16. I'm not sure how it is going to effect them. BS13 won't really talk about it, he just says "if we have to move, we have to move". Though I think it is effecting him more than he is letting on. Because he made a comment to me tonight that he told his best bud today "I'm keeping your number and will text you until my phone dies". As far as SD16, she has been thinking about moving back with BM for a while now. Though it is for all the wrong reasons and BM has been brainwashing SD16 again.

DH & I just don't know what to do. We have cut out all the extras we can and we are still coming up short.

Disneyfan's picture

The college program would be the deal breaker for me. There's no way I would pass up the chance for SD to be able to go to college free. Maybe your husband can move back now. You stay with the kids, then move after your SD gradutes. That way your family will be able to take advantage of both great opportunties. (great job & free tuition program)

Shell97's picture

If we would do that, SD16 would no longer qualify for the college tuition program. It is based off of annual income and our residency(meaning DH can't move back).

Shell97's picture

SD16 never thinks of anyone, but herself. It doesn't matter what the situation is, SD16 thinks only about how it will affect her & only her. The college tuition thing is for the current state we live in now. If we move back home, that is a different state & they don't offer it. Which SD16 wasn't even really sure if she was going to attend one of the in-state colleges that this program paid for. If SD16 didn't, we told her that she would have to get loans, grants, & scholarships to pay for college because DH & I can not foot the bill.

BS13 is very level headed. Though his school work sure doesn't show it right now. But when it comes to life decisions, he always makes the right ones. Plus he is always thinking "outside the box", so to speak, and never thinks about himself 1st.

You are totally right about the boundaries. DH & I talked about this and decided to do exactly what you said. And if any of them cross those boundaries, there will be hell to pay.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Is bm still with the child molester? If not, would it be so bad for sd to live with her mom her last year to take advantage of the college program? Or is the situation that bad? Really it seems he only thing holding you back is sd. Your son seems to understand and will adapt if you move. He seems level headed. Unfortunatley the economy is bad right now. You have to move where the job is. People are just having to move for jobs all the time right now. If your situation is that bad then move. (just don't blame me later if it doesn't work out!) Oh, also you said you'd move back to PA? How would the cost of living figure into all this? Would the move be worth it?

Shell97's picture

No, BM is not with the child molester anymore. But BM lives in the state we would be moving back to and SD16 would not be able to take advantage of the college tuition program.

As far as the cost of living in PA compared to where we are now, it is a little higher. But with our income tripling or more, it would be worth the move.

Shell97's picture

Yes there is something causing SD16 to not want to instantly move back in with BM. It's BM's new BF. SD16 has only been around him a total of 6 weeks since BM started dating him and SD16 doesn't know him that well. And given what SD16 went through for 10 years with the SF, I don't blame her for not trusting BM's new BF.

Yes we have explained that all to SD16. I think her main concern is that SF is still not locked up(we're still waiting on the courts) and SD16 is afraid he will come after her.

Yes, I have thought about working from home. But we living way out in the country & the people around us our hurting as bad if not worse financially, like us.

DaizyDuke's picture

This might sound far fetched, but when I was a Jr. in High school, one of my best friends parents were going to be moving due to her dad's new job. She didn't want to move, kind of the same thing, had already made the cheerleading squad, had alot of friends, was doing well in school etc. One night we were hanging out commiserating about her move and I said "wouldn't it be awesome if you could just stay with us and finish school here?" Well you know how teenage girls come up with elaborate schemes and think that they are so wonderful... so I actually asked my parents if she could live with us until graduation and they said YES! My parents met with her parents and worked out a plan (I don't know the specifics of it) but bottom line, she lived with us until we graduated, then she went off to college.

I know you have more than just SD to worry about but thought I'd throw this idea out there.