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I need some advice on how to handle this.....

Shell97's picture

Well, to start off....SD15 moved in with DH & I in August. BM was to give us her stuff so that we wouldn't have to buy SD15 all new things (clothes, personal items, anything of SD15's that she wanted). Well, the only thing BM gave us was SD15's clothes, shoes, a purse or 2, some of her make-up, and a couple of SD15's movies. Well this upset SD15 and she can't understand why BM won't give her her things. Then to top it off, last month BM called and said SD15, I'm going through some of your things that are here and was wondering what you wanted me to do with them. SD15 told her that she wanted the stuff. And BM told SD15 that SD12 wanted SD15's complete Harry Potter book set. Well that upset SD15 alot and she kept telling BM that she wanted the books, because they were her's. And BM says, well you already read them so SD12 can have them. I paid for them anyways. And there were some other items that SD15 wanted of hers and BM kept telling SD15 that BM was giving them to SD12. So, needless to say besides the few things that BM did give SD15, she doesn't have much. And DH finally got BM to agree to lower the CS. But BM still ended up screwing us on the CS, because since SD15 came to live with us, they were holding all the CS sent in until DH & BM made an agreement. So when the agreement was entered in, they gave BM all the funds in the CS account and over paid BM for August & September. So, we were hoping to use that extra CS that should have came back to us, to start replacing SD15's things. Well since we didn't get it, SD15 has to wait a little longer.

Now since I explained the situation, onto the problem. Since SD15 doesn't have all of her things, she has been basically taking everyone else's things without asking to use them. SD15 had an MP3 player and it quit working shortly after she got to our house. So, she has been taking my BS11's MP3 without asking and when she does ask, she doesn't return it to him for a few days. I have recently noticed the other day when I was getting ready to go job hunting that some of my make-up was gone (mascara, lip gloss, cheek blush, eye lash curler, and I'm not sure what else). I wouldn't be so upset about it, except for the fact she didn't ask. When I go to use something, I expect it to be there. I also have candles every where in my kitchen & living room. Well, the other evening while DH & I went to the store, we left SD15 & BS11 here and she took some of my candles into her bedroom.

I talked to DH about it and all he said was....well, did you say anything to her? I was like no not yet, I wanted to discuss it with you first to see how we should handle it. Because we had a discussion with her about 2 weeks ago about the MP3 player and she is still continuing to take it without asking or not even returning it to BS11 when she does ask. I still haven't said anything to SD15, because I am not sure how to approach the situation. And obviously DH isn't gonna help me out on this. I understand she is use to having her own things, and I don't want to upset her. She has been through enough. Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.

Comments

Thetis's picture

What is your relationship with your SD? (I know teenage girls can be difficult!) If you can't explain to her how it makes you feel, then maybe you can show her by "borrowing" something of hers, then talking about it? Good luck!

Shell97's picture

Over all SD15 & I have a good relationship. There are still times where we have those normal teenager arguments, but for the most part it is good.

Thanks for the advice. Gives me some things to think about.

Kb3Hooah's picture

delete

HeatherM's picture

I think SD or not... This is pretty normal for a teenage girl. Annoying but very normal. I just remember myself.. I would always use my mothers things.. she would always ask me to ask permission, or not touch things.. I learned my lesson very well once when she was out for the evening, and I wanted to meet up with a bunch of kids which included this boy I liked. I shaved my legs (wasn't very good at it then) and then went into my Mom's closet and borrowed this sweet peach suit (it was in then..seriously!). It was a light almost Rayon material..anyways... my mother only used this for special things, and it was fairly new.. so I decide I'm going to wear it.. Well... it didn't take long to see blood spots (from shaving so poorly) coming through the nice peach rayon material.. ! I freaked out!!.. Long story short I was grounded for life.. because you see I tried to take the blood out with bleach! I bet you can imagine how it all ended up. I mean I think her taking things and not asking is textbook teenage girl.

Now her mother though is another issue. It's like she's borderline punishing her or teaching her a lesson. I'm sure she's feeling something deep about that.. but I don't think the two things are related necessarily. I would talk to her, or have DH talk to her about how she's feeling with regards to what her mother is doing.

LotusFlower's picture

When SD, now 18, came to live with us years ago, she came with a small cardboard box of her "things"...that was it...her entire life in a small cardboard box..I think that was the saddest I have ever felt in my life....BM Dearest made sure to tell her how she threw all of her things including baby pic, etc. in a dumpster...that being said...I did my best to try and replace things little by little but it takes time and $$$ to replace someone's "life"....I think her taking little things here and there without asking is on some level typical teenage girl behavior...my SD's know how I feel about it,,,but I still hear, "Oh Lotus, I borrowed blah, blah...and I forgot to tell u". Try to be patient, I know its hard...but maybe she is still feeling displaced, however, I agree with middlemom that NOW is the time to lay down the rules and have there be consequences for taking things that r not yours without permission. LOL...as u can see, I go back and forth on this...I guess I am a softee, but I have seen the hurt a cruel BM can inflict and I guess I just feel sorry for yur SD...

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

Shell97's picture

Thank you all for the great advice. The BM issue is a whole other story in it's self. Which one day soon I will blog about it. That way ya'll know the situation with BM.

To middlemom...DH & I already have our house rules listed and posted with the punishments if they don't follow them. However, this taking things without asking is not on there. Because it has never been a problem until now. And at first it was just BS11's MP3 and DH & I sat down with SD15 and talked to her about this. We told her that if she continued to take BS11's MP3 without asking, that she would be punished. And she seemed to quit for about a week or so. Then she's back to taking the MP3 & now also some of my things. Apparently we were not clear enough with her or something. And I understand that it is normal for teenagers in general to do this, but I also feel it has a little bit to do with not having all of her stuff. And one more thing middlemom, not to sound like a bitch or anything, but in our home DH & I parent together as a team with his children & my child. It's not any of this bullshit..."my kids, I'll handle it" or "it's your kids, you handle it". We parent together to enforce a stable home for the kids. So that they don't feel like they are not being treated equal. Because DH considers my BS11 as his own child and I consider DH's SD15 as my own child (and SD12 as mine, when she is visiting us). That's how it has been in our home from day 1 and I'm not about to change that now.