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Looking for a little advice, not sure what to do.

Shell97's picture

I'm looking for some advice on what to do with my BS11. Since we have moved 1100 miles away from my parents, he had seemed to finally grow up a little bit and started acting his age. Well, then SD15 moved in with us in August, due to her step-father(SF) molesting her for several years and finally having the courage to tell us on her visit here with us in July. At first everything seemed to be going pretty good between SD15 & BS11. I mean they have their normal sibling fights, but for the most part they get along great. Well, BS11 was doing very well in school until SD15 moved in. Last year he had straight A's & B's and on the honor roll. This year straight C's last nine weeks and now this nine weeks (which is over in 3 weeks) he has 1 A in Art, 2 B's English & Math, and 3 D's in Reading, Science, & Social Studies (which Science & Social Studies are his 2 favorite classes and had straight A's last year). His Science & Reading D's are almost F's and at his school, he only has to fail one class once to be held back. We have tried talking to him about this and he just gives us the attitude that he basically doesn't care. We have taken his PS2 & his computer privileges away from him until his grades come up and he also has to read a book for at least an hour every night(if he doesn't have homework). He rarely brings any homework home....says he gets it done in school. But according to his progress report, there are several assignments that he did not turn in. He also has the habit of making himself sick to either get out of going to school or being picked up early from school. He tried it with me this morning, but I refused to let him stay home. He knows that the only he is allowed to miss school or be picked up early is if he is running a fever. Which he was not this morning, so he went to school. Now at the beginning of this school year, he was having a little trouble with one kid at school bullying him, but we spoke to the principal and took care of it. With everything that has happened the past few months, there were times where he probably either felt left out or ignored. Due to SD15 having numerous appointments every week and always having to discuss what was happening with her case against SF. But that has all calmed down some what. SD15 now only has 1 appointment each week for counseling and the preliminary hearing is Dec.2nd. Which DH & I decided that I will take SD15 1100 miles back to our home state for it and that DH & BS11 will stay here. That way DH does not have to take a full week of work off (which would be no problem if DH had vacation time) and so BS11 doesn't miss any school that is unnecessary, so he can work on bringing his grades up. I tried talking to my mother about it and told her that if BS11 fails 6th grade, he will not be coming up next summer to visit for a month. Instead he will be going to summer school to make up the work and be passed to 7th grade. She says well bribe him and maybe he'll bring his grades up. I told her that we basically are, because he lost his PS2 & computer privileges until his grades come up. So his incentive to do better is getting those 2 things back that he cares about the most and it doesn't seem to matter to him. Then I was talking to a friend of mine and she suggested that he maybe doing so poorly in school because of the stress that we are under right now due to SD15's case, DH's job being so slow & not being able to find a better job & hardly any money coming in, and me not being able to find job to help out. And she also mentioned the possibility that BS11 feels left out or ignored. DH & I try our hardest to spend time with both kids. We have family game night, we do High Low(which is where we all share our Highs & Lows for that day)every night at supper, we make sure each of us has sufficient time to talk during or after supper by having the rule that no one can leave the table until DH & I say they can, and we also try to have a family movie night(since we don't have cable or satelite right now because of not being able to afford it). One other thing DH & I did, was give BS11 our bedroom because we live in a 2 bedroom trailer and when SD15 moved in, we were alternating who got BS11's bedroom. At first they were doing pretty good at one kid sleeping in the bedroom & one on the fold out couch and then the next night switching. But then BS11 started getting upset because SD15 was moving his things around and/or taking his things without asking while she had the bedroom for the night. So to solve the problem, DH & I gave BS11 our bedroom and we sleep on the foldout. Which we are building another bedroom on for DH & I, but we have to wait until tax time. So I don't really think that it is him feeling ignored or left out, but DH & I are at a loss of what to do. We feel like we have tried everything and nothing helps. I know BS11 is use to being an only child because even before we moved 1100 miles away from our family & DH's daughters, he was still basically an only child because we only had his daughters every other weekend. So I know it is a big adjustment for him, but we don't know what else to do to make it easier for him. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Comments

stepoff's picture

It sounds like 1 of 2 things.

1. BS is being stressed out with all of the changes and issues going on. The issues with SD, finances... are you discussing these things with him? If so, maybe don't give him any details of finances. Don't explain any details of SD's court/counseling. Just the basics: "SD and I will be out of town for a week ... I hope you and daddy have a good time while we're gone." He doesn't need to know what's happening. Financially, either. He also could be stressed by the sleeping arrangements. Switching rooms will make him feel like he's consistently uprooted. He needs a space of his own.

2. Is the bullying at school really over? Maybe it's started up again? There's a reason why he doesn't want to go/stay at school.

Shell97's picture

I guess I wasn't clear enough. We don't really discuss our finances with him, he just knows that we don't have a lot of money right because we are not able to take them any where or even out to eat. And we barely have any food in the house (well at least the things we want), we've been living on hamburger helpers & hot dogs w/ mac-n-cheese for a while now....still waiting on DHS to get off their ass and help us out. But every time we apply, they some how figure we are over their guidelines by $50-$100. We also don't discuss anything about SD15's case with him in the room. He knows the basics on why she is here and that's it. As far as her counseling, sometimes he has to go along but is never involved in them. He was stressed about the sleeping arrangements before because he lost his room. But he choose to take our room, because we gave him first choice and he choose the bigger room. I think he may be a little upset about me & SD15 going back to our home town because we will be staying with my parents and BD11 won't get to see them until they come here 3 weeks later for Christmas.

And as far as the bullying....I have asked him repeatedly if it has stopped and he always replies "Yes". So I don't know the reason for him not wanting to go or be in school after he gets there.

GiGi222's picture

I don't think the move has been easy on him. Especially at his age, when he already had friends and a "social life" established at his old school. Maybe you can discuss that with his teacher, so he/she is aware of the situation and can possibly work with your BS?
Another thing I was thinking, is maybe he is jealous of the attention that SD is getting, considering all that she has been through. Maybe he is looking for attention whether it is good or bad, by doing what he has been doing. He could feel resentful that she is the main focus in regards to adjusting and counseling and whatnot and he is just kind of in the background. When children do well in school and are all around "good children," we tend to overlook them at times because we are focused on the other ones. I'm not saying you are doing it intentionally, but it happens.

Shell97's picture

I don't think us moving has anything to do with the current problem. We moved a little over a year ago. And back at our old place, he didn't have any friends except his cousins. And he was having a lot of problems at his old school and I had problems with his old school to. Because it was too big and they would not give him the proper help he needed at the time. When we left there, he was at a 1st grade reading level and going into 5th grade. Since we've been here, the new school has gotten him up to the correct reading level he should be at.

And I'm not sure how to tell if DH & I are giving SD15 more attention. I don't think we are. Because DH & I spend the same amount of time with both kids. But unlike most families, due to financial reasons, we do things as an entire family. We don't do any of that one on one going places bs. Now we will do one on one time, like playing a game or going for a walk. Things that don't cost anything. But we make sure that it is equal amounts of time with each kid. So I just don't know. I'm lost. I hate seeing my son go through this.