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At what point do you hold the kids accountable?

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Fri, 08/14/2009 - 8:06pm

Unfortunately, a lot of our skids are suffering from PAS, mostly inflicted by BMs, sometimes even by biodads.

My SDs have been in counseling for 5 years. Thankfully, it seems to have really helped them. But when meeting with their counselor early on, I asked her, when do you start holding the kids accountable? Granted, it's the "grownups" putting this stuff in their heads, but it's coming out of their mouths, so shouldn't they have to take some responsibility too? Do you think that some of them are so severely PASed that they don't know better?

I believe in being understanding towards the kids for the fact that one of their "parents" is putting them in the middle of adult issues, don't get me wrong. But shouldn't the kid be held accountable for their words & actions too?

Comments

Abigail's picture

Submitted by Abigail on Fri, 08/14/2009 - 8:31pm

Think about it. Do you wait until a child is 5 and then say "don't put your hand in that electrical outlet." I think the longer you wait, the worse it will be.

I am sorry that BM PAS'd skids but that does not entitle them to come over here and ruin the peace and harmony in our home. The teen skids destroyed our home life for 1 year due to PAS from BM while DH excused their behaviour because they "were hurting." Well they hurt me enough that I was ready to leave...

After we disciplined the skids the same as you would any child, PAS or no PAS, they turned around in a few weeks. Guilt parenting makes things worse not better. I am not sure I will ever like the skids again, that's how bad they were. If DH had nipped things in the bud, we would not have the cold war in the house we have today.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 08/15/2009 - 9:54am

Vick,

What are you smoking? I like it and can I get some?

Be careful about the sentences topic though. My very first response on S-Talk over a year ago was about using old fashioned sentence writing as a focused punishment for inappropriate behavior (lying, etc...) and I was in the meat-grinder pretty heavily.

Your above comment is incredibly well thought out and well written.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 08/15/2009 - 11:16am

Nothing in the room to engage the Skids imagination or distract him as he wrote, and wrote and wrote. Even today he has beautiful hand writing. It has been more than 5yrs since we moved and sold our home where the Tower was and more than 5yrs since he has been sentenced to sentences..

Sentences have a purpose, are an unusual consequence and can be designed to keep the kids focused on why they are being punished. Lying, cheating, stealing, disobedience, not doing homework, disrespect, not doing chores, etc ....

One of my favorites was "I will do my homework and turn it in on time". At that time he had a tendency to do his homework then not turn it in. His behavior made absolutely no sense to me but the sentences (about a 1000 of them) helped get the point across.

When they are screwing around instead of focusing and working then they can work on sentences when they should be having fun.

Logical and makes perfect sense to me.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Fri, 08/14/2009 - 9:25pm

While I feel bad for skids that they're being PASed, I also agree that they have to be held accountable...I have explained this to SDs in counseling...I am sorry you had to hear those things but you're old enough to know better. I mean, when they get jobs, their bosses won't put up with crap because their parents got divorced!

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Sat, 08/15/2009 - 7:24am

My SD had been 16 a few months the first time I called her out on how she treats her dad. I wanted to before that but was held back by Dh.

When she became sexually active at 15 and let EVERYONE know on the internet including my family, in my mind I considered her an adult from that point.

If she considered herself an adult and is now at 18, so if she says these things, she needs to also get the consequences of doing so.

I think that is fair but - if I had said something earlier, maybe it wouldn't have gotten this bad. Sad
_________________________________________________________
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.

William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2

Catlover's picture

Submitted by Catlover on Sat, 08/15/2009 - 7:29am

Sometimes it is actually the kids causing the problems! DH and I are biased when it comes to believing that BM is the source of evil spewing from the kids. Lots of PAS, and we try to address/confront when appropriate. The other day, SS came home and told DH that BM had left him home alone (he's 9) for the whole night. DH was livid and called BM to ask her what was up with this. Turns out that SS LIED about it. The kids as they get older know how to stir the pot and sometimes are the ones creating the issues. We have to take a step back from our automatic response to blame BM and really think about the possibility that the kids are just trying to create drama themselves.

Yes, they should be held accountable from early on. In our case, neither DH nor BM did, and I see over and over that the kids actively participate in the PAS/causing grief now. It is harder to address once it has taken root!

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"