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Just curious....

Willow2010's picture

How many of you mothers, would move away from your kid for $20,000 per year. Lets break that down a bit. $14000 after taxes.

Could you move off with a new DH and his kids and leave YOUR kids with their dad? All for $14000 per year?

If you could not do it for $14000. Is there and amount that you could or would, leave your kids?


moeilijk's picture


One of my cousins wanted to pursue her education, which would more than double her income. As the main breadwinner, this would be significant. As someone who enjoyed her career and enjoyed being of service through her work, this was important to her.

So she moved down to the 'big city' during the school year for 8 months, 2 years in a row. It was tight at home while she got her education, but it allowed her family more freedom and opportunity in the future.

She could have not pursued more education, which would have meant no money for education after high school for her kids. She could have waited 10 years, when the kids were older and technology allowed for her to study long-distance. Again, limiting the future opportunities for not only herself, but for her kids.

She could have paid a LOT more for the distance education that was available at that time, similar to the poster who paid 50K more for the same education, but again, then that money is not available for her kids' futures.

Also interesting, that same family ended up choosing to send one child to a prestigious private boarding school (child applied on her own, the parents found out after she'd been accepted). Not only was the opportunity only available due to the mom pursuing her own education first, but now the situation OP asked is reversed:

Would you make sacrifices that meant less time with your kid if that's best for your kid? Like sending them to a great boarding school? Or letting them develop athleticism at an elite level?

MrsZipper's picture

Is this in response to GoldieRet whose DH moved away from SS because he got a 20k raise? I couldn't do it for less than an outrageous amount like $1M and I could fly home every weekend.

Willow2010's picture

Kind of. And also the one where the BM DID actually move off. Weird bunch of people. How can you move from your kids AND move with someone elses kids and NOT expect your kid to be PISSED at you.

I am amazed that Goldies DH seems surprised that his son is not happy with him anymore.

Disneyfan's picture

I agree. It seems that children (especially COD)are expected to be more understanding, accepting, mature, responsible....than some of the adults so in their world.

Often times these kids are feeling the same hurt, frustrationso, anger....that SM, dad and mom are feeling. Often times adults have no idea how to pull it all together. But we expect the kids to just suck it up and go with the flow.

a better life's picture

Actually, she was. 3kids is trying to make the point based on the bottom line of the parent being there or not and then being told because it is military that she has no right to talk about it. You can still respect and appreciate military and note that choice results in an absence of the parent in the kids life without being disrespectful. It is merely a fact and one that I am sure enlisted people themselves agonize over both prior to and during the choice of military career.

a better life's picture

Actually posters have come on this thread to verify that for their kid the absence of the military spouse did have the same effect for their kid-parent not physically there. I do not consider them rude or anyone who discusses that fact rude. While your opinion is different and you are definitely entitled to it, I tend to side with the fact that an absence of a parent for work is a an absence of parent for work. It is not disrespectful to come right out and say it. In fact, I am sure a good many military personnel agonize over that reality prior to and during their career.

a better life's picture

Wait, she actually WAS a military kid and still has no valid comments or opinions on the matter? geesh

a better life's picture

umm, i was agreeing and supporting your views as the military kid as valid

ESMOD's picture

What if you are the CHILD? Doesn't that make my opinion on this valid? I mean we are talking about putting the children's needs first right? I was a child, I sacrificed plenty of things by being forced to move 15 times. I missed my dad when he was deployed. My MOTHER sacrificed and had to haul two children around and coordinate these moves with little to NO help from my father. She didn't have a career as a result and had no way to leave what I believe was an abusive relationship.

Military life is hard and it's hard on the kids who won't always understand the WHY's.. which is exactly the same when a civilian parent makes a decision that means they aren't around the child full time. The kids don't care why, they just care.

a better life's picture

I agree and just don't get it. How could one of our posters that actually was that kid have no right or validity or speak on this?

a better life's picture

Absolutely a choice (if in a free enlistment nation). Whenever a person chooses a job that does or can have travel requirements whether that is otr truck driver, executive or military. Do I appreciate that choice/sacrifice? Yes, but it is still a choice.

a better life's picture

True, but the net effect can very much be the same in the infrequency of time spent with the kids.

a better life's picture

I must say I didn't read the other thread ppl are talking about so don't have all the details of that. Was the moving parent not going to work in the new locale? It seemed in this thread the focus was more moving for work so that is what I was going on.

moeilijk's picture

Monkeyskids, you are confusing facts with moral judgement.

A mom OR dad who moves away because his partner cried, because of deployment, illness, job opportunity, due to a job on an oil rig, as a trucker, or as an executive, in seach of an education opportunity, due to addiction issues, or she didn't want to be a parent anymore put their kid in *exactly* the same situation of not having that parent around anymore.

It is *only* your moral judgement of whether the reason was 'good' or 'bad' that makes the move ok or not.

From the above article about children's safety: "In other words, participants' factual judgments of how much danger the child was in while the parent was away varied according to the extent of their moral outrage concerning the parent's reason for leaving." Which is basically saying that people based their evaluation of the facts based on how they feel about a situation instead of actually using the facts. It's a human weakness, but one we can overcome by using maturity, intellect and insight.

a better life's picture

I do see but the point that seems to be debated here is making a choice that results in less frequent time with kids rather than if there is a physical home or parental possessions in a home near the child. The reason why I would not move is less frequent time with kids which is the same reason I have opted to not have a career that includes travel.

Willow2010's picture you are saying what? You would or could move away from your kids for that amount of money?

ESMOD's picture

It isn't the same, because Dad comes back home.

And that is the difference in situation with divorce. Either Mom or Dad become the NCP in the majority of the cases. Only rarely does 50/50 truly work because there can be so many complications related to school and transportation etc.. even then, each parent is ABSENT from the child's day to day life potentially 50% of the time.

My dad came to none of my sports events. My mom only came to stuff when we were younger. She did not attend any of my sporting events in high school. My mom went to PTA stuff, dad did not.

It is quite common for one parent or the other to be more absent in an intact family.

If you divorce, then whoever decides that is a good solution contributes to the child losing time and parenting by one or both parents.

MrsZipper's picture

It would be the comparable if dad was deployed permanently and never came home, and he had a second family where he was deployed and was making dinner and doing activities with the family where he was deployed, and his kid had to stay with that family if he wanted to spend any overnights with dad. That's not really how deployments work. Deployments are serious and dangerous and you don't get to be with your family. In this case dad is working and living a normal life with a new family and the onlY one left behind is SS.

MrsZipper's picture


Disneyfan's picture


Selfish and self centered days come to an end (or are at least put on the back burner for 18 years)when you become parent.

There will be plenty of time to chase after tail and/or money once you're done raising your kids.

Willow2010's picture

Yea...the idiot just needs to move back ao EVERYONE can be happy. Who cares that he is bringing home 14 grand more a year.

But he won't go back because he is more scared to lose his wife than he is to lose his son. Damn shame.

Aeron's picture

I guess it would depend on what "leave" means. If the parenting plan was every other weekend and the move is 2 hours I don't think that's a big deal. If it was 50/50 and it's more than a half hour then yeah, no way in hell.

We moved away, far far away but we didn't make that decision until DH had been handed a CO that basically said SD never had visit if she Or BM didn't feel like it. All parties agree my butt. So yeah, we moved after it'd been 6 months to a year of no visits and DH getting screamed at to just stay out of her life by SD.

a better life's picture

I personally wouldn't move from my kids when they are minors but can see a little why someone who is already noncustodial and maybe only eow might feel that moving would not be such a big impact. Especially if they then had extended time like summers, holidays, flew back for visits. It would depend on the schedule that replaces the eow. Also as kids get older they don't always want the eow schedule so keeping in touch other ways may not be as big of a change.

ESMOD's picture

It would depend upon a lot of factors like "how far". I mean, 2 hours or 20 hours away? Would it be a permanent or possibly temporary situation (like a couple years for school vs permanently moving across the country)? Also, the age of the kids and whether transportation back and forth would be possible or an issue. Also, would the visitation schedule be able to be adjusted so that I would be able to have similar access to my child but on a different schedule? How important would the career move be? Maybe its 20K now but could mean even bigger bumps in the future. Is it optional or required by my employer and what are my options locally? What financial pressures are present that make a higher paying job a necessity?

It's not black and white and I think its silly to ask would you "leave your kid" for a thousand dollars a month when there can be so many different circumstances and non-financial. Sometimes people need to move to get a job. It's a fact of life. My husband had to move to a city to work because there weren't any options in the small town where he was living. He had to do it, really had no choice. There wasn't even a "walmart or McDonalds" where he was. His ex and kids had actually left and moved an hour away already...

I guess I'm just saying that you can't make a blanket judgement. Theoretically, if the parent is able to provide financially and is still able to maintain regular contact I don't think it will necessarily be the end of the world. Plenty of people have to work away from home for long periods of time. Mariners, Military etc...

I think where it can get touchy is when the appearance is that the "old" kid is left behind while the new family moves on without any thought to how it will affect the first child. Delicate situation for sure, but I think it can be done.

Tuff Noogies's picture

i'd have to agree with esmod here.

i have no bios, but i reflect back on how it felt as a COD growing up. mom moved around a lot. sometimes she lived less than 5 or 10 minutes away, sometimes she lived over an hour away. it made no difference to my brother and i, because pickup at 9a was still pickup at 9a. she did all the driving regardless of where she'd moved to. and we enjoyed the ride, it was a nice time to talk.

and yes, she was remarried and had three more kids. there was none of that "your NEEEWWWW family" crap.

Willow2010's picture

But even if you are EOWE parent, you still see the kid more than that usually. You go to sport events, school events and such.

DH used to see SS 3-4 times a week just due to sports. He would have NEVER traded that for 14000 a year.

ESMOD's picture

TBH, when you decide to divorce and you have kids, at least one of you is generally "agreeing to leave the child behind" at least part of the time. Unless you decide to remain living with your EX, you are leaving your child.

Who decides what the geographical distance becomes when it goes from "leaving" or "not leaving" your child? Is it a 20 minute drive? An hour? 2 hours? what is leaving?

My dad was military and he was deployed many times. My husband has worked jobs that required month long absences from the home. In a way it IS the same thing when people choose to work a profession that requires long absences.

It's easy to be judgemental on here when we don't know the all the facts of people's lives. Sometimes the job market in a particular area isn't robust. Sometimes the person's career path doesn't offer any opportunity in the local area.

People say that the child has to be put first.. well what needs? Maybe if the people don't move, the child doesn't have the financial support needed? Maybe it's the difference between the kid being able to go to college in the future. The adults responsibility is to make decisions that are best for the family. Sometimes they aren't perfect solutions, but better than the alternatives.

It's really easy to armchair here and just say that the person should find a job locally, that might not be practical. There may be legitimate needs for more financial resources and the same people that will down others for being with under providing spouses are probably on here saying that moving away from the child for more money is bad. Really damned if you do and damned if you don't.

MollyBrown's picture

It is the truth, though. It's a part of what military members give up and us civilians should recognize.

ESMOD's picture

I'm just curious why not? I mean serving in the military is a noble profession.

My father was in the military for more than 30 years. He retired as a full colonel. I was moved 15 times in 18 years. My mother raised us alone for much of the first years of our life in locations where she had not family, friends or support network. There were also many fewer "feel-good" resources for families of military personnel back in the day.

My father was an attorney and with a Harvard degreee, I imagine he could have gotten a position with a private firm making a great deal more than he did in the military. TBH, I think the military structure and life suited him. But it was still a choice that he made that required me, my brother and my mother to make sacrifices on behalf of his decisions. We left friends, had little relationship with extended family and my mother was unable to do much of any career since we moved so often.

Being a brat isn't easy. You miss your parent when they are gone and don't forget that the parent's choice of profession is WHY they are gone. It may be a noble endeavor serving our country but it does require sacrifices by the entire family.

No matter the reason, in these cases, the kids don't have the parent present "at home" every day, and that in itself is what we are talking about when a parent divorces and/or moves further than 10 minutes down the road. The end result is that the parent can't be there for their child in a physical sense.

ESMOD's picture

I never had a home. We moved so much I am from nowhere. I am completely adrift in that respect.

When one parent "moves away" aren't the kids still at home with the other parent? IDK.. these kids have more of a home base than I ever did. Since we know deployment is a part of the military life, any parent who chooses that career is choosing to leave their child for some extended period of time. I have known military personnel who were almost wholly absent from their children's lives as a result. The kids had their other parent as a constant. As the kids in the situation where one parent moves geographically.

BTW, we are a much more mobile society today than we were decades ago. It is not unusual for people to move for new jobs. And who is to say, that the other parent might not decide to move at some point either.

I just don't see it as an easy decision either way, but kids are resilient and will survive it.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

ESMOD, I'm hearing everything you say. I'm also a military brat. Dad's career was winding down when I was born, but my parents were stationed all over the place. My siblings and I were all born in different states AND countries. When Dad retired, he went back to school for a degree. Guess what? Part of the schooling was in a different state several hundred miles away. Until he found a job in our general vicinity, he was a travelin' man.

Depending on the area in which you live, some have a poor job market. You either need to have very specific skills (which may be on-the-job-training and not something you can learn in school), or settle for a low-paying job. If you want to make $$$, you have to leave. And leaving for a GOOD job market in certain areas means moving 200 miles OR MORE away. If you want to continue scraping by, going without, and being unable to provide anything but the barest of necessities for your kids, you stay. For some, it is worth being able to provide more for their kids.

I had a neighbor who spent 9-10 months working in a different state. Why? Because that's where the money was. He didn't come home weekends - couldn't afford it. All of his money was going towards making a better life for his family. It wasn't until his kids were in high school that they finally had enough money saved up for him to live in the area permanently. There was no Skype. They could not afford internet. They did not have cell phones. They wrote letters.

My point is, regardless of it being an intact or divorced family, jobs are not always readily available in the family's area to realistically support the family.

MrsZipper's picture

I'm not sure it was the move that was upsetting SS. It is the fact that dad is playing happy family with his new family and leaving him behind. Cooking dinners, coaching baseball, playing together with the dog SS always asked for. If dad was working out of state alone I don't think it would have been as big an issue as it is now. It's the fact that dad moved with another family.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I wasn't referring to that specific situation. However, a different city where the dad can still travel regularly to pick up his kid is not the same as hundreds or thousands of miles away with sporadic visitation.

If the expectation is for the parent to NOT be happy with the new spouse and skids (if there are any), and for that parent to shun the new family a) until the bio is present, or b) ALL of the time because the bio cannot stand for the skids and new spouse to receive any kind of attention, then the parent may as well start divorce proceedings NOW.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

True, monkey. I give up. A banana with hot fudge sauce sounds mighty tasty...

nengooseus's picture

DH, XH, BM, and her DH are all active duty military, and I agree that military families belong in this discussion.

Military members have made the decision to have jobs that take them away from their kids for extended periods of time. They were not forced into service, rather, they took jobs they knew would result in periods of absence. That decision is neither right nor wrong, but it was absolutely a decision. I don't see how it's any different that the decision that any parent makes to move away, either temporarily or long term.

The fact of the matter is that a lot of enlisted military members are from families and communities that don't have a lot of opportunity, and people choose to go to the military in hopes of improving their lot in life. People make the decision to relocate with the same rationale.

a better life's picture

No, but I think every person who has a kid nowadays realizes divorce and the possibility of less than full time parenting and all kinds of circumstances are possible. In an ideal situation that would include all the hands on things you mentioned but divorce is not an ideal situation.

a better life's picture

Alright, I read this and a lot of it makes sense. But then I realized that yes, my kids are precious COD to me and I would like if possible to be with them 24/7, ok, maybe 12/7 somedays as some are teens afterall!

Disneyfan's picture

What about when you aren't miserable and the current situation works well for all players except the new spouse(andhis/her kids)?

Disneyfan's picture

Would your opinion be the same if the husband later decides that moving away from his son was a mistake and decided to move back to kidtown with or without his wife?

Would we then blame the SK for his decision? Or would it still be a matter of a grown ass man weighing the pros and cons and then doing what he felt was best?

Lit'l Bit's picture

DanielleR you took the words right out of my mouth. I live 10 miles from my job and sometimes it takes 45 minutes to get home.

a better life's picture

Well when most people would consider the scenario posed in the OP wouldn't most think of how it would effect their kids? Why so much animosity toward 3kids and others who have posted from that perspective (not to mention poster that have been the spouse and said their kids didn't care a hill of beans and absence was an absence).

Disneyfan's picture

There isn't enough money in the universe that would make me move away from my minor child and ride off into the sunset to play mommy to someone SKS.

Why would I want to parent someone else's kid full time if I only have my own kid part time?

A SK will never get more from me (money, time.....)than my own kid.

secondplace's picture

Thanks Jasper! I was thinking the same thing.

I think with some, it depends on who posts. If it's someone they don't like, they're all over them, no matter what they say.

Willow2010's picture

And this post went WAY off what was posted as the question. It was as A MOTHER, could you MOVE away from your kids for 20,000 to go live with new husband and his kids. Thats really all there was to the question. Very few actually said yes or no. Thanks to those that did say yes or no.

ESMOD's picture

The way you phrase this "poll", it seems like you are basically asking if people will give their children away for money.

Your poll ignores all the backstory and circumstances of everyone's lives that could impact the decision.

That is why hardly anyone can answer it.

uofarkchick's picture

The father has other things to think about besides his physical proximity to his son. An increase in salary will boost his ability to save for retirement and allow him to help his son with college/trade school/prison commissary when the time comes. It sounds like he was the NCP so in all actuality, he "left his son behind" when he got a divorce. If he had been the CP and dumped the kid at the child's mother's house because he got a job in another area, that would be one thing. But it sounds like he did not have daily access to his son and would not be causing a major upheaval in his child's life by moving. I have no doubt that all of these things were taken in to consideration before making the decision to relocate. His son is entitled to his feelings about it but he was not left behind. He was not dumped or overlooked.

MollyBrown's picture

He had 50/50 custody. The son was left behind, the father and the step family moved to another city, while the son now resides in his original town.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

It depends on a couple of factors for me:
Has my ex been an equal parent all this time or was I the custodial?
Do I trust him to take care of our child as a custodial?
Asking my child, how do they feel about possibly switching who's majority custodial?
Will I still be contacting and visiting often?
Was I in a dead end or extremely low paying job (or my company did massive layoffs and this was the only chance that came up?) with no hope of climbing out of it?
Is my child mature enough to understand I want to be financially stable for him/her and THAT is my motivation?
Is my ex supportive throughout all of this?

I say this because my parents were gone very often (more than half a year at a time) because they did business globally. We were left with our grandparents during that time. We NEVER got mad at our parents for it, but then again, my parents explained their financial situation to us very often (well, they were hoping to groom us to take over everything but as a side effect, we were mature and understanding. Yeah we missed them.) I want a financially secure future for my child, and sometimes that does mean sacrifices, but it's less of a sacrifice now with how good our telecommunication systems are.

I think the last question I asked is most important. It makes things much, much easier on the kid. If the ex makes indications of abandonment, then I don't doubt the kids pick up on it. If the ex simply treats this as, hey sometimes mommies and daddies have to go a bit farther so they can provide you with better opportunities, then there usually isn't much of a problem. Especially if they make the communication portion as easy as possible.

I look at it as no different from being a trucker husband who is on the road lots, or a military person who has to be deployed (except my life isn't in danger.) They take these jobs and these positions thinking they can give their family a better life if they didn't. Not like it won't hurt like hell for me or I won't miss them, but sometimes it's all we can do. Gender equality.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I couldn't what your sister does only because I hate travelling...

One of my friends DIL is the top strategist for a HUGE bank--she gets flown everywhere. Her and her husband have 5 kids. She's gone like 85% of the time. It works for them and the kids are happy, healthy, and busy (with the bank she's making, they're in pretty much everything.)

One of my friends' father, since she was in 6th grade, has been out of the country working. She's now 27 and is getting married. Her wedding will be the first time she has seen her dad in all these years. Her parents are still married, btw, and her mom recently went back to visit her dad. Sure she misses him--does she blame him? Nope. He makes good money supporting their family and her mom made sure she was raised knowing that. When I was talking to her mom, her mom, in a rare show of emotion started tearing up, said she's been lucky to watch their only daughter grow up--the one who has had it hardest is her dad who loves his daughter desperately but knows this is the only way to secure his daughter's future.

She and her dad are super close. Skype almost every day.

It's REALLY up to how the kids are raised and how supportive the ex (or the spouse) is. Kids who are raised with the boohoo poor me mentality (or by abusive, borderline parents who with-hold affection as punishment) are going to react much worse because of feelings of abandonment than the, hey I know my parents love me and I love them and them taking a higher paying job is because they want the best for me.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Also--I added spouse because there's a couple of people I know who have, for whatever reason, been unhappy with the fact their spouse travels a lot for work (even though they live really comfortably because of it) and them and the kids make the other parent (though not divorced) feel guilty every time they leave.

My own coocoo grandmother included, and DH's coocoo grandmother too. Made my dad and uncles (and DH's dad and uncles) hate their husbands and feel abandoned by them and subsequently developed a lot of anger issues towards their fathers.

So this isn't just a problem in divorced families. It happens in intact families too.

Willow2010's picture

Depending on the situation, I would consider it.
I think this is where people are getting confused.

So let me rephrase it a little bit. In YOUR situation, would you do it? Not anyone elses situation. Just yours.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

No, because combined my husband and I make low 6 figures which is more than enough. So for 20k, no.

If you're talking about doubling our income, we would definitely consider it.

ESMOD's picture

Since everyone has a different situation, why even ask the question?

Why do you care what other people do in their own personal lives with decisions that can be made for very complex reasons?

It's not like you can then pigeon hole the responder.

"good mother stays"
"bad mother leaves"

Willow2010's picture

I ask because I wanted to ask. Period.

No one is trying to pigeon hole anyone and I think only you and a few others are being rude.

If you don't like the question then maybe stay off the blog. easy peasy.

ESMOD's picture

Different opinion means rude? You ARE a pice of work. Lol. Someone please ban me. But let's find out where willow can send her butt hurt report first

ESMOD's picture

If I get banned, im gonna go drink tequila with sally. Lol. Actually sounds better than sticking myself in the eye with a virtual fork!

Willow2010's picture

You are just noticing this?

I'm thrilled you did, regardless.

I am sure that my observations and opinions will result in a flag too. Oh the irony of this, as her thread was started to bash and ridicule someone else. I wonder if Heaven inspired that idea?

How long will the nastiness persist? Why can't the petty bullcrap STOP?

LOL. And there it is. The irony of you posting this actually is too much. And why would you get flagged over this. I could care less if you like me or disagree but that would be no reason to get flagged or kicked off.

Disneyfan's picture


I'm sitting here like this :jawdrop:

How can the person who started the dragon blog a few days ago, turn around and complain about this blog today???LOL

Willow2010's picture

Lol...I know!

And she is telling ME to look up and understand what irony means. Good grief.

Willow2010's picture

Different opinion means rude? You ARE a pice of work
LOL. Where on earth did "I" say I was butt hurt? Especially about a difference of opinion? I just said that some were getting rude and you took all of that from my comment. I don't get butthurt over most things and this is no different. haha

You seam to be the one getting bent out of joint. Not sure what I did to you or Jaspercat but to each their own I suppose. Hopefully your days get better.

Willow2010's picture

Good Dog you need to take a pill or something to calm down. Again...I hope your day gets better.

ESMOD's picture

Idk, I think people come to get perspective on their own lives.some like sharing experience too. Posts like this are passive aggressive attempts to put down other posters. I got suckered in. Lol

FieryEscape's picture

For a whole lot of people $20,000 is a LOT of money. Not to me personally , but so many live pay check to paycheck and an extra $14,000 after taxes would make a big difference. Don't judge other peoples choices. Life isn't always fair and hard choices have to be made.