Family gifts
Hi everyone. I have not posted a blog in quite a while. But I wanted to ask a question.
The dog remains the biggest source of conflict in our household. It has got to the point where SS ignores the dog completely. And he gets pissed off if someone even mentions the dog. Now, even DH kind of avoids the dog during weekdays because of guilt. He mentioned giving the dog away to get rid of the tension and I wasn't having it.
SS still demands that DH make the exact same meals that he made for us during the week. My own kids do not look forward to the weekends anymore. I hate to say this but I am planning on making DD block SS on instagram.
Therapy has not helped one bit and we have stopped it temporarily. DH wants to look for another therapist in SS's town so SS can't complain about his weekend being wasted on it.
Every time DH picks him up, he asks DH "Hows your family?" with a lot of attitude. SS stays in his room and refuses to participate in anything we do. He completely ignores DS and I. In all our outings, we split into two different families. I hate it.
For a week and half though, DH has been driving down to SS and playing Pokemon go on DH's phone. This seems to have thawed out the ice and SS seems to be having a lot of fun with DH. And DH seems much happier at home too.
But he said something yesterday that was interesting. DH won 500 dollars at work. At first, he said he would buy a gaming system because all the kids were asking one for a while. And he wanted one too.
Then he said it was a bad idea because SS would get jealous. He then thought of getting a used ATV. But then he was stressing out about how we would should never use it unless SS was here so SS would not feel bad.
I did not give any input and he finally decided to just save the money for Christmas. But it brought up some questions in my mind.
Does it mean that our house can never have anything that might make SS jealous? If we moved into a house with a pool, would that be not allowed?
What if it was me buying the things? Does that make a difference?
I know there are some people here who were against our family getting a dog in the first place. But wouldn't it be impossible to keeps things equal all the time?
Do any of you ladies have experience with "family gifts"?
Wow!!! Your DH has some
Wow!!! Your DH has some issues with reality. Reality is that life goes on for the fulltime residents of the home even when the temporaty (visitation) residents are away. The full tim resident family members should not have to adapt their entire dynamic to the temporary resident. The temporary resident adapts to the routine of the home and the full time residents. The full time residents should not have to deny themselves positive experiences or purchases just because a member of the family is resident only intermittently.
Any kid resident in the home (eitehr full time or intermittent) should be treated as a member of the family/household with all of the priveledges and RESPONSIBILITIES that entails.
DH catering to this bratty PITA kid is not only exacerbating the issue he is sponsoring it and enabling it. Worse, he is neglecting the rest of the family.
The kid eats what is served... PERIOD or he does not eat. The kid participates... or the kid suffers. Counseling for this kid is a waste of resources IMHO he needs daddy's foot up his ass.
DH needs some clarity and SS needs to be clearly given the lession that he adapts and does not dictate what goes on in the home that you make with his father.
This one gives me a major case of tight jaw. Both because of your DH and the Skid.
Nope, I have no BKs. My
Nope, I have no BKs.
My bride moved out of state with SS for school and we met in college. Since we met we have never lived anywhere nearer than 1200 miles to BioDad.
BioDad rarely saw SS before they moved. He never made an attempt to see SS before my bride and I met. It was only when their small town grapevine talked about my bride dating someone that the SpermClan came screaming to try to take custody from my then GF. As long as BioDad could keep her on the hook and still see his younger stable of statutory rape target victims he really could care less other than to try to use my bride as a booty call candidate.
It was no skin off of his nose. He spawned three more out of wedlock sex trophies with two more baby mamas. One was under age.
That said. We never denied the court ordered visitation (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) but they declined many, many times over the years.
My point is that neither the CP household nor the NCP household should allow a visiting kid (either the absence or presence) to disrupt life.
And I have explained the
And I have explained the situation many times. I can't help it if you can't understand even after several replies.
Ah, I missed that there was
Ah, I missed that there was no indent on your comment. Sorry about that.
Never mind my response.
The nickle and dime thing
The nickle and dime thing happened. DS got one extra gift and DH went out to buy him the same thing so he wouldn't feel left out. I was shocked.
I think SS will be a decent human being being to others in his life.
However, I totally see him being disrespectful towards DH and me when he grows up.
How is he at BMs house? Does
How is he at BMs house? Does he have a stepdad? Is she trying to help SS cope with this move or is she adding fuel to the fire?
I feel like theres some manipulation going on. He wants to see how high he can make your husband jump and to punish him.
This just seems like extreme behavior.
BRAVO!!!!!
BRAVO!!!!!
I totally agree with all you
I totally agree with all you ladies. I'm glad I don't sound like a evil stepmother.
I don't feel comfortable telling DH to spend his money on my kids though. I feel like it's a bit more complicated because we don't share any biological kids.
It's been difficult. DH feels like he has to cook for SS because he feels SS missed out. I can't really do anything to change how he feels can I? I empathize with him definitely. But at some point, you have accept that your kid is being unreasonable.
And complaining that DH is making the same delicious food too frequently makes me feel like an awful person.
One thing I do feel glad about is that DH doesn't buy everything under the sun for SS. And he doesn't cave for a lot of things.
But his guilt still exists and he parents irresponsibly.
One frustrating thing is that SS is actually a good kid. He has many friends and teachers love him. He just acts like a monster at our house. Even my in laws don't seem to believe DH when he tells them how SS is acting.
And the dog definitely get many belly rubs Jasper. DH bought the dog. We have bonded with it. I think its crazy to give her away now.
Ok, HRNYC, I'll play your
Ok, HRNYC, I'll play your game tonight.
The SS is having a difficult time because (in your opinion) DH moved away. Is DH moving away a moral issue for you? As in, you judge DH as a bad parent for moving, and thus deserving of punishment, as served up by a badly-behaving SS and reflected by DH's guilty feelings?
Or is DH moving away actually the cause of SS's bad behaviour? As in, there is a direct correlation and SS would be behaving exactly the same way if DH were, for example, deployed, or ill and in hospital for several months getting cured, or if his job required him to work offshore for 6 months?
If DH moving away is truly the cause of SS's bad behaviour, then DH's feelings of guilt are an accurate reflection of reality. Such as when you drive too fast because you're running late to work and cause a car crash - yep, it's your fault and yep, normal people would feel guilty. In which case, is it then your advice to that person to castigate themselves for ever and ever? And if the people who were injured in that car crash start calling at all hours to berate DH, do you think this is appropriate behaviour? And that DH should allow this to happen, turning the other cheek only when the first one is bloody?
Or is it possible that SS is behaving badly because that's what children do sometimes, especially when they need the reassurance of strong boundaries set by loving parents? And is it possible that the best advice is to accept the past, and move forward? And that moving forward would be setting strong boundaries and showing love and affection?
Just curious. I wonder if you'll provide a thoughtful reply or if you will focus on one or two key points to further your own agenda. Or if you'll ignore and hope no one notices.
I'll notice. Have a good day.
Thanks for your response. I
Thanks for your response. I see you more clearly now.
I know, right? How many 12yr
I know, right? How many 12yr old girls do you know that captures a photograph of her dinner and splashes it on snapshot? What would she even caption it? 'SF made tacos again', 'Wednesday spaghetti night', 'Chef Salad night with Dad's homemade dressing'.... unless the kid is also posting the recipes, who really is going to 'follow'?
If the kid would put up snaps of her own dishes of her own kitchen attempts and self created recipe ex 'the caramel apple muffins I made', 'my new version of peanut butter cookie bars'. Nope. No can do. Won't make kid happy. Suppressing her 'photography' passion.
Actually I have seen it
Actually I have seen it especially on Instagram. I say block him. She cant post pics of food? What else is going to be done to make him happy? Doesnt want people to play with a dog, eat certain meals, buy game systems.
Would anybody here really put up with this in their own home from kids biological or not? I dont care who moved where. Hes not a plane ride away. These are adult decisions and when I was moved in 11th grade I was devastated. My mom had remarried and they wanted to move to my Stepdads town. 45 mins away. I never even thought to act like this and my world was turned upside down and had lasting consequences.
When I started driving it became a smaller issue.
The only reason I brought up
The only reason I brought up my childhood was because moving did have a lasting impact on me. Sounds dramatic but it did change the course of my life as silly as it sounds.
I just think I grew up in a different generation. My parents were divorced in the late 70s. No contact with my father at all. As an adult I believe there was some alienation from my mother that kept my father away. He wound up dying when I was 19 and never got to reconcile.
Mom remarried and moved me from all family and friends from a town I was born in. I wasnt asked. I was told and I was devastated. I was not considered at all especially because I only had 2 years to graduate and move out.
My mothers way was dead wrong. Selfish. All for a man. And that selfishness continued when families blended. But I have to say OPs DH and SS are too far in the other direction. First of all they asked SS for his permission to move. You dont give kids quite that much power. But they did. And he said yes. Being a kid though he changed his mind after he saw how things were going. DH has created this mess from the beginning.
I have read your views in the past. What do you honestly think OP and her DH and SS should do? Seriously buy 2 game systems so one kid can use one and the other 2 use the other? Im not saying the food thing cant be compromised. Save SS favorite dinners for when hes there. No big deal. Shouldnt the BM be trying to support her SS and help him adjust? Havent heard anything about her opinion. Maybe she is trying to help. No idea.
What is the fix here?
It was wrong. But I never
It was wrong. But I never held it against my mom. I was mad but it was understood kids went along with what their parents decided. Different times I guess.
I agree on the food. Petty on all accounts. DH is an idiot. Make the foods you know are his favorites when he comes. We did that for my SD all the time. A minor thing blown up to be a major thing unless its every single thing they eat when hes not there. Thats the key question.
Dont agree on the gaming systems. That is pandering. And DH wanted one for himself anyway. Why should nobody have one because SS wants it only to be his. Ridiculous.
As for BM No she has nothing to do with it. But if my child had this much anger going on Id want to help for my childs sake.
Could care less about DH. Not a fan of him at all. He created all of this. He agreed to move. He liked OPs kids alot it seems. He asked SS for permission(ridiculous), SS changes his mind and DH now is cold to OPs children and is running around like a chicken without its head to please someone who refuses counselling or to even try to make the best of things.
If the OTHERS are not your
If the OTHERS are not your bios,then yeah, sacrificing them is an option.
Ugh my SD is like that.
Ugh my SD is like that. Nobody ever believes the things she has done to us and her sisters. SHes also a perpetual victim and a huge narcissist. So frustrating when the in laws dont believe whats going on.
Idk where is BM in all this? Shes ok with SS being so sad and miserable at your home ? Is she fueling the fire? If it were my son I would want to help him come to terms with all this and not be holed up in his room seething with resentment. Whats her opinion on all this?
The dog thing pisses me off. I remember when that happened on here . Dogs arent to be thrown away because of one person throwing a snit. (not talking about you- talking about SS and DH). Not sure if Im remembering correctly but didnt SS not want anyone to play with the dog when he wasnt there? I dont care how upset SS is about the move...On what planet can anyone justify thinking its ok to do that to a dog?
It sounds exhausting to live in that household. Unless youre SS and then can act out and stomp and cry and bitch for any little thing that he feels like. He sees his father. A pretty decent amount. More than the standard time allotted by many courts.
I think never mind the SS-your DH needs intensive therapy. Alone. To work out his issues.
FFS, the kid demands that
FFS, the kid demands that your DH cook all the same food he already cooked during the week? How does he cram 5 days of food into 2?
Look, I get the kid being jealous if your DH is cooking his "favorite" meal while he is gone. It seems like it would be pretty simple to save those meals for when the kid is there. I am a little confused at how the kid KNOWS what you are eating every day?
If he is getting this stuff through your kid's social media, I think having them tone down what they post might help. I mean, is it necessary for them to instagram every meal?
It's ridiculous to expect for everyone's life to be on hold while the kid is not in the home. That being said, I think it's nice if families can plan to do the "funnest/special" things when ALL the kids are present. Things like special trips to theme parks etc.. Ultimately though, you can't just put things on hold and i doubt the kid is not doing anything "fun" while he is with mom.
DD and SS are good friends.
DD and SS are good friends. But nice try. I see you are looking for a new angle to attack.
What kid posts about food? Most of them. You are actually crazy.
I refuse to let her
I refuse to let her photograph anything that indicates her location or identity. That is how I feel about it. She is not even a teenager. I only allowed an account with these rules.
When she is older, I will allow her to share other photos.
Just because she doesn't post them on isntagram doesn't mean she isn't taking other photos right now..
Actually, for a kid to post
Actually, for a kid to post about meals they eat every day is kind of odd. I have two stepdaughters and on the rare occasion one of them has posted about food.. but usually it is either due to a special meal out or when they were older and cooked something "by themselves" and were showing off.
Do they understand that the SS gets jealous? Do they understand that when he sees all those posts boasting about "delicious meals" that it is like he is a kid with his nose pressed against the glass?
Sure, the boy should be able to "get" that life goes on whether he is there or not and that the same goes for what happens at his MOM's while he isn't there!
But, if your child is somehow rubbing it in his face that they are getting things and he ISN'T, I can see how that creates tension.
Quite frankly, your DH is doing him no favors by rewarding his jealousy. I think it gives the kid extra incentive to do the guilt trip thing he is pulling on dad.
When the kid whines that your DH cooked spaghetti on Tuesday, (which he should have NO way of knowing), DH could just say 'Yep, we are having baked chicken tonight.. YUM".
Spawn8 (according to SD20)
Spawn8 (according to SD20) posts food pics on fakebook EVERY SINGLE DAY. Spawn is quite chubby and loves food.
DH cooks three to four days
DH cooks three to four days of the week. So he does those meals again.
My daughter has a strong interest in photography. I have limited what she can post to food and nature. I have already stopped her from sharing pictures of the dog to appease DH. I have also discussed blocking SS from her instagram account. DD is ok with that. But DH says that will make SS more upset and said no.
I have hinted that the same food gets boring but DH doesn't get it. And I would feel like terrible person if I started complaining that I didn't' like what DH was cooking. He's a much better cook and it's always tasty. It just gets boring sometimes.
We definitely plan any fun trips on the weekend. That is when we have time anyway. But SS refuses to interact with DS and I.
Well, it seemed like a
Well, it seemed like a reasonable request so I obliged. And he has done things with regards with SS when I requested it too.
But demanding DH to cook my kids and I different meals doesn't sound that reasonable to me.
And actually, I think even blocking SS wouldn't help. My kids would tell him what they ate. Even DH probably would.
DH says blocking him would create more issues than solve them.
Why can't you ask your kids
Why can't you ask your kids to not discuss meals with him? It seems like it is something he has latched on to and the attachment is unhealthy.
"I can't remember" good enough.
I find it absurd that dad can
I find it absurd that dad can buy a game system and only play it when his baby boy is there. If he plays any game his skids re not allowed to play with him.
If the OP buys a play station for her kid, skid gets upset if his daddypo plays with them. So Daddypo must buy him a game system that he must play only with kid
If I remember correctly skid wanted the dog. But he wanted it to be His dog. He is upset because Smom and her kid play with it so now he wants nothing to do with it and is mad because the dog is there.
This kid needs a reality check. Life doesn't stop because he isn't there. His dad doesn't stop living because he isn't there.
My Skid lived 3 blocks away and tried the same crap. Maybe just maybe this kids mother is also feeding him with the "daddy has a new family and doesn't need you" shit.
Moving away doesn't make you a bad parent. Life happens. The sooner this kids learns the world does not revolve around him the better
Absolutely!
Absolutely!
We had a similar issue a few
We had a similar issue a few years back. DH and I have joint finances for bills but I kept my private account from before marriage to put any extra money I made (bonuses and CS- when I actually got it) If my BS needed anything, I paid it out of my private account. I did that to prevent the SS's from getting all jealous.
If I purchased my BS a new pair of tennis shoes, MSS would immediately start texting DH that he wanted a pair as well.
If BS got ANYTHING new, MSS would be hot on DH for the same or better.
DH never really said much at first but I could tell he would get upset at BS for not hiding whatever it was that I bought. It wasn't like he bragged about it or shoved it in MSS"s face. But kids today have to post everything they do on social media, therefore MSS would see it right away.
Finally I caught wind of what was going on and DH started to confess that MSS was hounding him for "equal" goods.
I lost it...I made it very clear to DH that the money I spend on BS is MY money from what little CS I get and does not come out of the household funds.
I also pointed out that MSS gets a ton of money spent on him for other things such as travel ball (EXPENSIVE) and we are not going to play that game
of "you owe me".
DH finally just started telling MSS No and he would get new shoes (or whatever) when he needed them, not just because BS got some.
There were also many times that BS purchased things with his own money and MSS would notice and start the begins process.
It took a while for MSS to catch on but he finally slowed down on the begging.
Yes you are right. He sees
Yes you are right. He sees his dad just as much. It's just staggered differently. I'm just going to ignore the users accusing me of forcing DH to move.
Guess who is on the hook for SS's college tuition?
And guess who just got a 20K raise after moving here?
But no, the whole move was just for me and my benefit..
*ahem* fruity - i think it
*ahem* fruity - i think it was not as often, but the total time together was equivalent. IF i recall correctly, but i've blinked since then
i'm not gonna comment on the decision to move, that was totally between OP and her dh - if he was dead set against it and could not figure alternate custody arrangements, he could have vetoed the move.
with that being said, yes the kid might resent it, but i have a feeling he's totally milking it too. i believe it's one thing to feel sad, angry, or resentful, it's another to act like an entitle jerk who feels everyone must go into suspended animation until he is able to grace them with his presence.
buuuuut, that's just my own opinion
you selfish b!t@#. if your
you selfish b!t@#.
if your dh wants to pacify ss so much, when he cooks the original meal, why doesnt he make enough to set aside a plate for ss for the next time he's over?
as far as the other stuff, i really dont know what to tell you. but i totally understand why your brain is taking your dh's words and running with it - i mean really, what the h3ll else is going to have to be placed on hold while ss lives the other part of his life away from dh?
I'm with LadyFace. There is
I'm with LadyFace. There is no perfect choice, there's only making the best of whatever choice was made. And in any relationship, when one person uses their emotional capital to punish the other, the relationship suffers. In a parent-child relationship, it's worse.
My kid cried today on the way to daycare saying that she didn't want to go. I believed her. So I told her, "It's ok if things don't always go the way you like. You can find a way to have fun anyway."
I'm teaching her that a positive attitude and enjoying life will get her a lot further than nursing a grudge and hurt feelings. Because I want her to be a happy person for her whole life, and that's more important than pleasing her for a few minutes now. I don't want to give her a false sense of control over others, but I do want to give her a strong sense of control over herself.
She went to daycare. Of course she had fun. Because her whining was about her relationship with me, in that moment, and not at all about daycare.
I agree. Moe, can you please
I agree. Moe, can you please raise me?
lol, that sounds familiar.
lol, that sounds familiar. When my kids complain they are bored because they are not at the activity they desire I tell them "that's great, life has some boring moments and you will get to practice how to make the best of it anyways"
In my opinion SOs need to
In my opinion SOs need to make decisions based on the best interests of the entire family. It is rare that one kid or the other is not pissed over a move. Particularly teens. Those are adult decisions. Kids should not dictate anything including what is for dinner except for maybe on their birthday.
Regardless of the residence situation there should be behavioral standards in the home that kids have no choice but to comply with or they receive appropriate consequences.
This Skid is rewarded for his crappy behavior.
There's something wrong with
There's something wrong with your keyboard. ALL CAPS online is 'heard' as shouting.
Not yelling, just
Not yelling, just highlighting.
I said that kids do not get
I said that kids do not get to dictate what occurs in a home. The SOs make those decisions. Kids includes any flavor of the little darlings.
It's pretty effed up when a
It's pretty effed up when a bio parents makes a decision like this that benfits his/her SKs more than it does his/her own bios.
The SS is clearly hurting over the move and the husband is feeling some guilt over it.
Dad can man up and put an end to the silliness with his son, (something he should have done months ago)but that won't erase the hurt or guilt that they are feeling.
I think that Dad needs to
I think that Dad needs to stop feeling so guilty about a decision that he made (ostensibly) to benefit his career and earning potential. I see from other posts that while the custody arrangement changed.. his schedule of time is about the same is at was before.. just different timing.
I think it's perfectly fine for Dad to tell his son that.
1. Adults make decisions about their own lives.
2. Sometimes we have to do things that won't have a perfect outcome but will benefit everyone in the long run (ie dad has more resources to help kid with things like college etc..)
3. Just because he might not be with his son every moment, he still loves him very much. Tell the kid he can call/text etc... whenever he wants.
4. It isn't realistic for everyone to put things on hold when he is at his moms. Going forward, he will eat what is planned for the whole family while he is there. If he has a special request, he can make that in advance and his wants will be considered but will not necessarily dictate the family menu.
I agree that dad should be
I agree that dad should be making meals that are as good.. or even saving the "best" meal preparations for when his son can be there. I think the silliness is that Dad cooks a meal, his son sees it on the facebook (or however he sees/hears about it) and then son demands (or whines..not sure really) that his dad cook the SAME meal that he already cooked a couple of days before.
As far as buying the toys, I kind of get that a game station would be something more entirely enjoyed by the "kids" and as such since her kids would have more access to it, he sees that as a little unfair. I think the idea of saving the money for christmas is probably best anyway. Dad can spend some of the money directly on the boy (or all of it.. his money, his choice right?)
I think the kid has a case of
I think the kid has a case of FOMO (fear of missing out). Actually common with kids these days.
In my house we repeat meals occasionally, but I think if it truly is a DEMAND by the boy that his dad duplicate meals that he has missed, that is not a great precedent. I do get the feeling that the boy is seeing posts from his step-siblings that make him jealous and maybe they are intentionally so.
ie "Ohhhh look at the yummy steak and mashed potatoes Joe made us....YUMMY".
your really stuck on this
your really stuck on this food thing...that is the point as I see it 4 days a week means two different meals. who wants to eat the same two meals all week. Also Op never said that she discourages her DH from doing this just the facts it is boring. Seriously who would want to do that? If I were her maybe I would simply take over the cooking for when SS is not there then all of the "good" Daddddyyy coooked meals can be reserved.
"Every time DH picks him up,
"Every time DH picks him up, he asks DH "Hows your family?" with a lot of attitude. SS stays in his room and refuses to participate in anything we do. He completely ignores DS and I. In all our outings, we split into two different families. I hate it."
It sounds like SS is supremely hurt by the change and really sees what happened as a direct indication that his dad is ditching him for his "new" family.
Every time his dad picks him up and he pulls the "your family" business, Dad needs to repeat, "YOU are my family too.. Love you and miss you.. how have you been?"
Dad needs to insist that SS makes a reasonable effort to spend time with "the rest of his family". If dad sternly insists that he participate, the kid will eventually get tired of trying to pull an act that doesn't work. I bet right now dad tries to check on him often and the kid KNOWS he is getting the attention. In the future.. dad says son come out with us. Son refuses? Son can stay in bedroom by himself and no one checks on him. Maybe it would help him learn that pouting won't get his way.
Again back on the food. No way should his dad let his son dictate the meal plan to his dad. parents make the meal plan and kids eat what is served. This goes both ways with kids on both sides. But repeating meals just because the boy "missed" a meal with his dad is not a good way to deal with this. As someone else mentioned, make mom cook more while SS is gone so he won't be missing dad's meals. It's fine for SS to say, wow, would like to have tacos like you did on wednesday. but the correct dad response is how about we plan for those on your next visit, I already have pot roast on the menu tonight.
on the other side why is SS
on the other side why is SS so consumed with what OP's kids post to the point of memorization. Does this kid not have a life at BM's??? Nothing else going on but to stalk the meals of his step-siblings get the kid a hobby.
I have to agree. What the
I have to agree. What the heck are they cooking that this kid feels is the end of the world that he didnt get to have any? Doesnt he get to eat anything good at BMs? I have never seen such fixation on food from teens and tweens. A special treat that would make kids jealous would be like a favorite restaurant or something. Would love to know what these amazing meals are that are causing such commotion.
Or maybe if they eat Tv dinners the whole time SS is gone he will stomp his feet that a his dad has to not watch a certain TV show until hes there to watch it too or play a game or go for ice cream or park. Not sure what the point of this guy
remarrying was. The point is once he jumps through one hoop. WHats next?
Wheres BM in all this? I seem to remember (maybe incorrectly?) That she is decent and doesnt cause problems. I dont know about that. Is she encouraging this? Or secretly enjoying the chaos SS is causing? I would be curious.
My SD is 23. Has been the biggest score keeper with her 2 sisters(mine and DHs kids) since they were born. Still does it. If my DH posts first day of school pics or pics of my DD18 college dorm she immediately posts lots of crap on Facebook to DHs family can see. Hates when anyone pays attention at all to DDs from DHs family.
That being said she never pulled this crap about food and pets at our house growing up. We got a dog. She was jealous. She talked her mom into buying a dog. Took a while but she did it. Point being my SD is and always was extremely entitles and in competiton. This SS is out of control.
I hope when SS goes to college-which DH is paying for- SS knows to not do ANYTHING fun til his dad is around. No eating special meals out or football games etc.
Hes allowed to feel sad his dad moved. Hes not allowed to be a tyrant and a brat and DH is allowing it . DH is pathetic. Sorry. My DH is a complete wimp with SD but your DH is another class all together of DIsney Dad.
ok I missed that one line but
ok I missed that one line but really can you blame her??
But it is perfectly ok for SS
But it is perfectly ok for SS to basically stalk them online and then use the information to be a bully
Why is SS accepting of your
Why is SS accepting of your daughter? IIRC, your last blog DD was making headway with SS also. What is it about the two boys that makes it different for SS? Weird that SS is willing to 'forgive' DD for move and other perceived offenses etc., but not the DS.
SS sees DS as his replacement
SS sees DS as his replacement when he is gone and feels threatened. Makes sense to me.
I suppose there must be other
I suppose there must be other posts that I haven't seen, since I don't see any examples of how the food is different on the weekend, but on its face, this sounds unbelievably petty! Unless the nights the SK is not there, you guys are having filet mignon and then when SK comes, you serve Spam or some potted meat substance, I can't understand how the meals could be that much different one night to the next? Isn't that subjective, anyway? I mean, seriously! My SSs are grown now, but of all the things we had as issues with my SSs' visitations for over a decade, what we ate when they were not there was NOT one of them! (Our biggest food challenge was that BM either made them extremely unhealthy food or did fast food, so they didn't want what we were having.)
And as for the issue of not being able to have any fun when SS is not there, that is ridiculous as well. My DH went through that for quite some time, where all family vacations, birthday parties and all other celebrations had to be planned on a visitation weekend so the SSs would not "miss out." Then the SSs started canceling visitation to be with their friends or some better offer at the last minute and we were stuck. One year, I even rented a beach house that was twice as large as we needed and cost a couple thousand dollars more so there would be plenty of bedrooms for the SSs, and BOTH canceled out on the trip! I put my foot down then, and DH fortunately was in agreement. I also have to note that SSs got plenty of opportunities that my bios with DH certainly never got to experience. For example, both SSs have been to Europe TWICE, plus Hawaii (we live in the states) and bragged about their trips to my oldest DS, yet none of us, including DH or me, has ever been to Europe the first time. Perhaps we should have demanded BM take our oldest DS? lol.
Also, it strikes me that my oldest DS is now at school out of state, and my youngest DS gets to do all kinds of things with DH and me (go to restaurants, movies, shopping, amusement parks, etc. etc.) that oldest DS won't get to--should we all stay home and hibernate for months on end until my oldest DS can be with us? Of course not? However, because these are BOTH my and DH's bios, no one would ever criticize us for that. And if my oldest DS says anything, which I can't imagine he will, I'll point out to him how ridiculous that sounds, not to mention, his boarding school is taking at least half a dozen trips throughout the school year that my youngest doesn't get to go on.
If your DH persists, the situation will eventually work itself out as the SS gets too old for visitation. However, you need to nip it in the bud now, as it serves no purpose and just causes issues that are unnecessary. Life it too short for such nonsense.
Is the OP's husband stopping
Is the OP's husband stopping her and her children from doing fun stuff when his kids isn't there? Or is it a matter of him refusing to play happy family with his SKs while his bio is away?
I think the two are very different things.
If he's willing to do fun things with the OP as a couple, but excuse himself from the family stuff when his kid isn't there, I think that's fine.
He isn't required to play happy family with her kids.
Me too. But we are going to
Me too. But we are going to have chili dogs lol
If the goal is to actually
If the goal is to actually blend the family then this strategy is counter to that goal IMHO.
Spouses should not play favorites with kids. Each is an individual with different personalities and needs. However... the standards of bahvior in the blended home should be consistent for all of the kids in an age appropriate manner.
Why shouldnt there be a single game system in the home for all of the kids to use in a polite and sharing manner? Family gifts can and should happen if that is what the partners decide. In initial families family gifts occur regularly that some family members may not get access to as much as other family members.
Older kids who are active outside of the home are not going to use a game system as much as younger kids who spend more time at home. This same logic reasonably applies to a visitation kid vs a resident kid or a EOWE kid vs a 50/50 kid. At some point it becomes a futile and rediculous excersize to try to make everything exactly even and fair between any two kids in a family much less a blended family with different custody and visitation sitautions.
I understand that dad moved and that neither he nor SS is happy about it. However, this is a decision that the OP and her DH made as a couple and now it is time for both of the adults and the kids to adjust accordingly in a way that minimizes drama and toxicity.
IMHO of course.
Your house must just be so
Your house must just be so much fun..
But what I want to know is
But what I want to know is does he have a gaming system at his moms? Do they eat bologna sandwiches every night? Why should OP and her kids have to live walking on eggshells and he can be rude and nasty to everyone?
OP should buy the gamimg system with her money and not allow SS to play. WOuld be kind of messed up dont you think?
From what has stated and/or
From what has stated and/or indicated, they all got along and things were ok with the 50/50 until the move. Dad started rapidly to resent the move and wanted to move back. But sh*t hit big time when the new household got 'the family' gift... the dog. The exact same type of dog SS had always wanted and begged for. Stupid and thoughtless. Situation has escalated since.
If OP wants a game system, OP should purchase one on her dime and have it be a gift from Mom to her two kids. If I were OP'S DH I'd take my $500 and take my son on a father/son weekend getaway.
The family gift namely the
The family gift namely the gaming system was her DHs idea. Not hers. She didnt say hey lets get a game system and laugh a wicked stepmother laugh in glee because HER kids will play it more. Thats ridiculous. He was worried SS would be mad. Then thought of an ATV. Same issue. Doesnt SS have things at his house not at his dads? Hes old enough to understand this is how things work. Hes not 3.
This man can not be a partner with his wife. He made a bad choice moving.Sometimes I think there are some people who just should not remarry.
I would like to be around to hear about how SS is away at college in 5 years , his Dad divorced OP to do the right thing for his child and his son is off living his life as he should be and Dad is all alone.
Exactly!
Exactly!
Well then he should man up
Well then he should man up and leave if hes going to devote his life to his son. Nothing wrong with it. Some people do it and are happy. Its just selfish of him to continue on this way. OP said she makes her own money anyway. She would be better off imo.
I can't imagine though having
I can't imagine though having sk, bk or any of the kids involved in the purchasing decisions to the point they dictate what can and can't be purchased for the household and by who whether that is a gaming system or new shutters and then being pissy about what the adults should have purchased and who should pay and who should get to use what when. That kind of control over the ADULT decisions sets up more problems then it solves.
No hes entitled to feel hurt
No hes entitled to feel hurt and abandoned. Hes not entitled to make everyone in the house miserable and refuse to cooperate with counselling. Which makes me think SS doesnt want to feel better or accept and get past his feelings and heal. He wants to punish. ANd if I were his SM I would be fed up with him and her DH.
Well whats the alternative?
Well whats the alternative? Live his life angry and cut off all ties with a father he seems to love? Feel like a victim the rest of his life because his dad sees him 20 days less than before and its structured differently than he would like? DO you honestly expect them to move back? Most people cant make multiple moves in a year or so.
Yes!! That was what I was
Yes!! That was what I was trying to say!
Could work both ways. As long
Could work both ways. As long as if OP buys something SS likes theres no backlash if he cant touch it.
I look back to the fact that
I look back to the fact that he was a happy, well behaved kid before the move. Clearly he felt included then. His actions are screaming that he is hurting. Kids are not rubber ands, they do nthat t snap back right away.
So this child gets to dictate
So this child gets to dictate DH, SM, step siblings, and even the poor dog's behavior from afar, everyone allows it and walks on eggshells so as not to hurt his widdle fee fees. OP, why are you going along with this? Is it so that DH won't get mad at you? If you want anything to change you're going to have to shake it up and set some strong boundaries with DH and SS. Dh will get mad but oh well, ss might hate you but doesn't he already?
I know it's hard, no one wants to fight with their husband about his child yet think about what you're teaching your own children; they will do what you do. Do you really want them to think being in manipulative relationships is normal and acceptable? Would you be ok if your daughter or son dated someone like this?
Put a stop this nonsense or it will just get worse. Children cannot handle that amount of power and it's not good for them. Take the reigns from DH and take back control of your home.
This post is about OP and her
This post is about OP and her world, not mine. Focus.
The focus is the OP...that is
The focus is the OP...that is the goal of the discussion.
I don't know I think
I don't know I think characterizing this Dad as 'needing to go back to being a father to his own child' is a little harsh as is characterizing him as a crap parent for not being more strict with his kid even if that is what he needs to do.
He sounds like he bends over backwards for his kid and has LOTS of contact with him seeing him most weekends and several times during the week and his allowances with the kids demands is him trying to get his kid through it all along with the counseling. I think it is more he is human, and not able to perfectly predict how things will effect everyone until he is in the middle of it and somewhat unsure how to fix it all at this point.
We have joint finances and
We have joint finances and buy whatever we as the adults feel like we want to. Sounds like your dh wanted to buy a game system because ALL the kids and your dh wanted one but didn't due to the guilty and emotional manipulation of 'jealous' sk. We recently went to an amusement park when one of my bios was away which meant another bio and a sk went. My bio complained and I made it clear tuff luck, life goes on when you are away we are not just going to sit in chair and cry til you come back. I also pointed out I am happy for him when he does special things with his dad while gone not upset. Granted this bio gets plenty of trips. I think if I had played into it "oh darling i'm so sorry i'll run out and take you next weekend' I would have created a monster which this man (without meaning to) seems to be doing.