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Update to the surprise puppy

goldieRet's picture

I took everyone’s advice and thought over it for a few hours. I think SS has had the dog for a few days and it would be a bit mean to take away a present. So I came up with the following compromise.

I will not be taking care of this dog in any way. None of my money will go towards her upkeep. The puppy will not be allowed in the living room until she is potty trained. And the puppy will only be at our house 1-2 weekends a month. DH said he can talk to his parents to keep her the rest of the time.

But DH got more details yesterday and it’s not good. The puppy is nearly 12 weeks old and hasn’t seen the vet yet. Not even the basic shots are done. She is female so she hasn’t been spayed yet. And she is mix between a pug and a French bulldog. She was from a backyard breeder which is big red flag. We looked up these breeds and they have so many health issues. And it’s a small dog so we would need to separate her from the golden retriever until she is bigger because he can get a bit too excited.

DH started seeing how many issues we were going to have. Even with our healthy dog, our first year costs were $1800 and it will likely cost $800 a year going forward. There is no way DH would be able to afford doubling those costs by himself.

He decided to be firm and tell his parents that they need to be primarily responsible for the puppy. Turns out they can’t afford it either and my mother in law has been sneezing non-stop since the puppy arrived.

DH told his parents that they either agree to take care of the puppy or find people who would be able to do so. I guess they ended up telling SS that they would have give the puppy away and SS is sending texts to DH to please help and that his grandmother was crying.

It is such a mess now. DH talked to BM to see if they could come to a compromise. But apparently BM who said she would allow the dog at her house for a few days a week was actually only going to let the dog stay in her laundry room, which is quite small. How is that fair to the dog?

Now the only option seems to be that we keep the dog basically full-time and we eat the costs. I slept on it and was about to tell DH I was ok with keeping the dog here as long as the living room was off limits. But before I could tell him, DH flat out said he can’t afford the extra bills. We know BM will be going to court for more CS next year and will likely get it. DH only has 4 years to be saving up for SS’s college costs that are court ordered. DH is also going to start regular therapy for SS and even though the new promotion means most of it will be covered, DH still has to pay $20 per session.

He told his parents he couldn’t do it. So they have now put up ads online looking for a new home for the puppy. All night yesterday SS was texting DH to return his presents and use the money for the dog. It is such a freaking mess.

I was really angry at DH’s parents but my mother in law called me today and she apologized and was genuinely upset. She was crying and I felt so bad. They are really lovely people who love SS a lot. They really dote on him and I can empathize with how bad they must feel. But they should have really thought this through.

We now get SS from tomorrow all the way up to January 8. How happy do you think he will be with our gifts after what just happened?

goldieRet's picture

No, DH drove a few hours to a really reputable breeder and actually prepaid for a puppy. The new puppy was apparently a result of irresponsible dog owners.

Isn’t what we are paying standard? I am including all vet visits, food, supplies. Based on what we paid this year, $800 next year seems reasonable. It also includes a small buffer for extra expenses. We also had to get a more expensive brand because apparently we have a picky dog. But the brand is better anyway. Our puppy was actually very healthy except for some minor things that were more due to his high energy nature.

goldieRet's picture

No unfortunately. Not even a costco unless we drive east 2 hours. At least we recently got a walmart. But the never seem to have that brand in bulk. Can you even buy wet food in bulk?

goldieRet's picture

Wet food works for us. Our dog's coat is healthier and he's happier. Our vet never said anything bad about it. The reviews online are also fantastic. We were referred to the brand by a lady near us who swears by it.

sunshinex's picture

I'm sad for the dog and for your stepkid... This is such a crappy situation and one that shouldn't have happened in the first place. The dog deserves to be with a family that is happy to have him and happy to pay for him, and there's nothing wrong with the fact that that's not your family. Unfortunately, skid is going through a huge change where something he wanted is taken away from him and that sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Willow2010's picture

Lawd have mercy. This poor kid.

WTF is wrong with your DH and his side of the family. I almost tend NOT to believe your story because it is hard for my mind to grasp the reality that a father can keep shitting on his kid like your DH has been doing for the past year or so. (I think I have the right poster.) And now his family is doing the same thing!! Who is dumb enough to give a kid a dog without clearing it through the person it is to LIVE with first. I mean really? If this is true, your DH needs to man up and not disappoint his kid more. Keep the dog. Let DH get another job. He will need one since the breed HIS MOTHER got for his kid is riddled with health issues.

People just can't be this absurd or heartless.

goldieRet's picture

Now you have a problem with my username that I had to pick last minute and couldn't think of one on the spot. Give me a break. If it's so hard to accept stop commenting every single time I post.

goldieRet's picture

DH has not shitting on his son. Give me a break. We moved once. And things have been pretty stable. I only posted roughly 15 times in an entire year.

Getting another job when you are already working 50 hours a week AND traveling to see your son during the week is not feasible.

If you read my posts you will see how upset and torn we are.

As for who is dumb enough to give a surprise puppy, go ask DH's parents. Why should DH be held responsible for what HIS MOTHER did?

goldieRet's picture

DH bought a family dog last time. No one could have seen SS's reaction coming. But we also didn't know that BM was making disparaging comments against us that was affecting him.

robin333's picture

I agree Sane. What a cluster f*ck. Goldie, that's not directed at you. I'm sorry for your situation.

I think your BM is a POS to do the passive aggressive comments that started all this. Just sad.

notsobad's picture

I feel so bad for this kid.

Keeping this dog at your house isn't really going to solve anything. The dog will bond with you and your kids, just like the golden did and SS will be resentful. He will think that you and your kids stole the dog from him.

Even if it could stay at Gparents and they could afford it and Gma wasn't sneezing all the time, the dog wouldn't bond with SS. It wouldn't be as bad as the dog bonding with you and your kids but it still isn't what SS thinks he wants.

The only way I see this working at all is if BM relents and allows SS to have the dog at her house and then he brings it with him to Dads every weekend. That is the only way this dog is really and truly going to be HIS dog.

In fact, that's what DH should tell SS. He needs to have a man to man with him. He needs to explain that if everyone cuts back, making the dog affordable, SS still won't be with the dog full time. That the dog is only going to bond with the people she's with all the time and that will either be Gparents or DH and the new family.
Don't make it about the money, make it about SS bonding with the dog, making the dog really his and his alone.

I think it's time to make BM the bad guy in this scenario, as horrible as that is, the only way SS is going to get a dog that is his and his alone is to have it at BMs.

goldieRet's picture

It is a lose-lose situation all around. BM will never allow a dog in her house. Even her compromise was to keep a puppy cooped up in her laundry room.

I don't know how DH's parents have explained the situation to SS. We could make some cuts and see if we can even afford another dog and keep her here full-time. But like you said, SS will just accuse us of stealing his dog.

DH made it very clear to his parents that they should not blame us in any way. They wouldn't throw DH under the bus though.

notsobad's picture

I'm sorry but they won't have to throw DH under the bus. He's already there as far as SS is concerned. This is just one more nail in the coffin.

Again, the only way I see out of this for DH is to tell SS that money has nothing to do with it. That it can't stay at Gparents because Gma is allergic.
That if the puppy is with you all the time it will for sure bond with you and your kids, just like the golden did!
Tell him that no one wants that to happen again.

Tell him that the only way for him to keep this dog is for it to be with him all the time. Then let SS beg and plead and drive BM crazy. Yes, I know this is passive aggressive and might even be a bit PAS.

It's not even about DH being the better parent or SS not hating DH I just don't see any other way for SS to keep this dog. And at this point I do wish this kid could keep his dog. I guess I'm a softie too.

goldieRet's picture

I think telling SS that the puppy would be at our house full-time would actually work. I'll talk to DH about it. But I don't think we should be encouraging SS to act up with BM though. I don't need that woman getting mad at us. I'm just finding out she can be quite manipulative.

I too wish he could keep the dog. But we aren't rich and it's just too complicated.

notsobad's picture

You're right, it's never a good idea to poke the bear.

I tend to want to share the blame, especially when it's BM who's helping to create the problem but the skid never sees it.

notsobad's picture

This is what I was thinking.

If the dog has to stay at DHs house full time, it will be the same as it was with the first dog. The dog will bond with OP and her kids and SS still won't have a dog of his own.

Then it's not about DH not having enough money to take care of the dog and SS will willing give the dog up, rather than lose another dog to the other family.
I still do hope that SS will see that BM is the problem by not letting him keep a dog at her house.

still learning's picture

Whatever happened to the days when a parent saying, "No we can't keep it" was final. Raise of hands; who here heard that phrase growing up? I know my brothers and I did several times. We rehomed pets when me moved, if they couldn't get along with other pets or barked too much. Were we upset, disappointed and let down...yes. Did we get over it...yes. Life went on

My 14 yr old has a pet snake at his dad's house and he wants to bring it here since I have primary custody. Guess what I told my little COD, NO! No snakes in my house. I'm sure bs14 will need therapy for my selfishness.

Parents shouldn't have to accept unwanted expensive pets just because there is a COD in the picture. BM is the smart one here putting her foot down. Grandparents need to eat humble pie, apologize to all involved and get something else for ss. Hopefully they've learned and don't get ss a pony next year!

If he really loves dogs that much he can go volunteer at the humane society. All of my kids have volunteered at an animal shelter and none of them want a big dog anymore, too much work and poop to clean up. We have a 5 lb pom that is a very manageable pet. Yet there are still vet bills, food, exercising her, grooming, etc. Our pom is going to have to have a very expensive tooth extraction surgery where she'll have to be sedated. Oh cha-ching! Our little 5 lb darling is going to cost us big time.