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Trying to heal

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I am going back to counseling and as things change and I start to seperate myself from the daily chaos and dysfunction. I have gained more clarity into my feelings and what needs to change if this relationship is going to work.

Yes SKs are aweful. But I have dealt with a lot of aweful kids and have never felt this way about any of them. So why do I feel this way about SKs? 

I am projecting my anger at SO on them. I realize if SO had been a better boyfriend I wouldn't feel so helpless and angry when SKs act out. Thier behavior upsets me so because between him and BM I became a prisoner in my own home. I lost all my control. If I set limits, BM would tell SKs they don't have to listen to me. She would take it further and tell them I was wrong and out of line and can't do those things to then or treat them that way.

SO would either do nothing to supplort me or get upset with me for bringing it up at all. In the beginning when SKs would act up. SO was so sweet and would pull me aside and ask if I was okay. He would put his foot down with them and tell them he was not going to tolerate their behavior. He would apologize to me for Thier actions and make them do the same. 

Then one day out of no where everything changed. It started after we moved in together and exploded after OSD left. After that point I somehow became the bad guy and had to fight tooth and nail for even the smallest limit to be enforced. 

Things that really stick out in my mind. Was one time when YSD was showing off for my friends son. She will become a bully when other kids are around. She and my friends son where teasing my son so he left and went into the house. I didn't say a word I felt DS handled the situation appropriately. My friends husband yelled at thier son for his actions and YSD came running screaming like a banshee that she didn't do anything she was innocent. I will admit I was annoyed and told her to get out of my face I wasn't talking to her. She then went over to SO and said I was a jerk and that's why OSD left. He agreed with her and then proceeded to yell at me how I was always blaming his daughter for everything. 

I was so upset, angry and confused as I never said a word other than telling her to get out of my face because she was screaming like a lunatic at me. I saw what happened it wasn't that big of a deal. She was taunting and trying to provoke my son. He walked away as far as I was considered it was over. I believe it's ok sometimes to let kids work their own issues out as long as no one is being harmed by it. 

How I became the bad guy still baffles me today.

Next up the OSDs birthday weekend.


tog redux's picture

I think these are important insights and crucial to your healing for sure. You've given him a lot of leeway for having been traumatized by BM, but I'm not sure he isn't just another lazy/guilty parent. 

I was thinking about your situation and wondering why he needs to move back with his mother and isn't able to care for his kids on his own?  Seems he's not able to be independent of some woman or another. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

His kids can't be left alone unsupervised. Even though they are 13 and 15 they cannot be trusted at all. He relies on his parents to watch them when he is working.

JRI's picture

It sounds like you have a good counselor and are making progress.  Hang in there, Wicked.

Harry's picture

Or wants to be the queen bee.   Have to kiss her as* to keep peace.  Let Your SO tells her it's unexpected to act this way and to stop.  With some type of punishment.  You can't let her win Or all is lost 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

According to SOs mother, both girls have done everything in Thier power to sabatage every relationship he has ever had. I found out from Thier half sister BM pays them to misbehave when they come here.