I have not been here in a long time. But I had to close a chapter in my life and start another. My 4 year rollercoaster has taught me more about myself than any other experience in my life.

I read recently that if you ignore the subtle signs you're given God will come down and slap you upside the head. Unfortunately that's exactly what I needed to recognize and acknowledge how I keep repeating the same mistakes.

Many of you can say I told you so, and you were right. Unfortunately for me it's like what one of my son's teachers said once. If they are still actively working on something we don't disrupt them because they are still learning something from it. I had to see this through start to finish in order to not just walk away for good but to actually learn from the experience.

If I walked away to soon I would have done it out of anger. I stayed although my situation never improved not even for a second and actually only got progressively worse because my SO had learned to tolerate SDs toxic behavior by displacing all his anger and frustration on me.

The only thing that changed was that SO had been gaslighted by SDs to the point he was willing to lower his standards and expectations for them just to have some sort of relationship with them.

That being said enough about them because I now know that SO has his own path he needs to follow and it's not my place to stand in his way.

I have learned that my own desire to want to "fix" is actually very arrogant and narcissistic. SO was on his path long before me, who am I to believe that I  am so powerful I can change that. The reality is that I am not and as I have learned no matter what SO is going to stay on that path until such time as he chooses to learn from it, if at all. 

I have learned not to let anger or guilt control my decisions because that is letting my own fear control me. Instead I need to look at the relationship and bless it for what is has taught me and walk away. 

Knowing what I know now. I should have walked away in the beginning when I first saw what his kids were like. I shouldn't have believed that I could make a difference or change his path. I can't be angry with him or SDs because I chose to put myself in that situation. They do not see a problem with their toxic dysfunction, they don't want to change. I was the problem by disrupting thier dynamic and they responded to me accordingly. 

What I have learned are the things I need to work on with myself and that it is ok to walk away from people and situations who do not share the same path in life as me. 

I want to thank all of you for the mental and emotional support you provided as well as your brutal honesty.

For those of you who are dying to know about train wreck SDs.

OSD: has failed school the last two years, Still walks around almost naked (came to a funeral in a crop top that was up to her bra straps and black leggings) Has had nude pics of herself passed all over town, still posts videos of herself in lingerie online. Has no friends, has been beat up 3x but still has not learned to not be a mouthy, rachet b$tch. Turned down a job because she had to wear a uniform and couldn't be half naked. 

YSD: is 14 but still acts like she is 7, has no friends and no social skills. She is working on a record of failing the most grades in a row. She has now completely failed 4-8. She does not have any idea how to behave in social situations and is an emotional train wreck. She has also mastered the art of being a user just like her sister.

I can honestly say I do not miss them one little bit.