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Woke up still seeing red.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Last night after working both jobs and DS attending summer program and then wrestling right after. We get home at 8pm. 

There have been no issues at home and everyone has been getting along great.

Cue last night as soon as we walk in the door, no hi how was your day, nope! 

SO immediately starts in on DS to go outside and clean up the dog poop. Mind you it has been pouring rain all day until just before we got home. I say no DS hasn't eaten dinner and has to eat it's late.

SO loses it and goes off on a ridiculous tirade about how he doesn't want to step in dog poop when he mows the lawn.

Umm are you planning mowing wet grass at 8pm at night?

I tell SO no, DS is going to eat dinner that's my final say. SO then goes off about how hasn't eaten all day and there are priorities. 

First off you are a grown a$$ man and if you haven't eaten that's your fault. Second it's neglect to not feed a child.

SO says that's BS. So I tell him we can call CPS right now and ask Thier opinion. 

SO then proceeds to pout and play the martyr. I tell DS right in front of SO to eat, and just keep his distance from SO because he is in a pissy mood and wants to take it out in everyone else. 

I haven't spoken to SO since  nor do I plan to. I know exactly what this is about I have been through this with him enough times. The only time he acts like a raving lunatic is when

1. He has found something out about SKs from people he knows and is humiliated and embarrassed.

2. He was as text fighting with one or both SKs. 

And frankly I am sick of it. I am also sick and tired of his kids only responsibility is to remember to breath air, but it's okay to have a double standard for DS. We have been over this 100x in counseling that he needs to worry about his own kids and let me worry about mine. 

I have never once asked him to mow the lawn so he is free to not do it if the dog poop isn't picked up at his convenience. 

We have vacation planned in a week, I am so aggravated I am seriously thinking of leaving him home. 

Comments

Gimlet's picture

Wicked,

I mean this in the kindest way.  I think you're smart and strong, but I think your soft spot for this man is an issue. 

Your son does not deserve this.  He should not have to deal with this grown man's inability to regulate his emotions and handle the fallout of his terrible decisions.  He should not have to keep his distance as a way to handle/placate him.

He's taking his bullshit out on your kid and that is crossing the line.

What is keeping you from putting this guy in your rearview?  He doesn't sound like he's getting any better and both you and your son deserve better than this constant stress.

ESMOD's picture

Look, I'm all for kids learning responsibility... and even if your DH doesn't make HIS kids do things.. it's still ok for YOU to insist your child complete some responsible chores.  BUT.. then it is ALSO your choice when you will crack down and when you will understand that "life gets in the way" so to speak.

It sounds like you and your son had a full day and getting home at 8pm not having had dinner yet?  Sure.. getting some nutrition in your child should be a first priority.  So, it shouldn't be a huge deal if the poo gets picked up tomorrow.. when there may be more time right? and it's YOUR decision.. not your SO's.. 

What is unacceptable is your SO sitting home on his tail end all evening stewing about some manufactured complaint.  What is not right is making unreasonable demands at the edge of dark when in all honesty, HE could have gone out there and done some scooping if he was so darned worried about mowing the lawn.  I mean.. how long has your son "shirked" his duty?  

If there was some honest complaint about the kid not doing his job.. he should have come to YOU about it and said.. You know DS has only picked up the yard once in the last month.. he is supposed to do it every few days.  Can you talk to him about that?  It really isn't your SO's job to parent your son.. and he is massively overstepping to override your parental authority.

I would echo Gimlet.  Is the juice worth the squeeze here... or is it just a bit daunting to think about unravelling the relationship.. selling a house or whatever?  Because honey..life is too short and  your son and YOU deserve to live a happier life.

Gimlet's picture

It really isn't your SO's job to parent your son.. and he is massively overstepping to override your parental authority

Not to mention the fact that he's done such a horrible job with his kids, where does he get off trying to parent Wicked's son, who seems to be a well-adjusted kid?   Like she would ever need his help, LOL.

He's just being a pouty baby and looking for someone to kick.

The_Upgrade's picture

Yep, BM had kids by three different dads. exBF is stepping up to protect LO. The eldest SD turned out alright with intense therapy and her dad's family supporting her, DH's girls are the most messed up of the bunch. Same crazy BM but combine that with his lazy and permissive parenting....he should take a good look at what he's produced before he tries to parent someone else's kids.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

DS picks up the dog poop once or twice a week and it's my decision that I don't ask him to do it on days he has extracurricular activities because he already has a long day. 

DS does everything asked of him without complaint that's what makes me even more infuriating with SOs outrageous behavior last night. 

I try not to make decisions when I am angry and I am still angry about this. I haven't spoken to SO since it happened and won't until I am ready. 

I can tell you he brought the mama bear right out in me and I am not sure if I can let this go. 

Tried out's picture

let it go. You are contributing to the abuse this petty little bully is heaping on your son each and every time it happens when you continue to live with this idiot. 

SteppedOut's picture

Agree! You SHOULDN'T let go of this. He may think it's "nothing", but it really is a big deal. 

ndc's picture

I don't get your SO. After all he's put you through with his kids, and after almost being kicked out just a short while ago, one would think he'd be bending over backwards to not create any drama or otherwise piss you off. It's YOUR house, YOUR son. Frankly, I can't figure out why you put up with him and make your son live with him. Then again, on a venting site I guess we don't get to hear how he enhances your son's life and yours.

Tried out's picture

would he be concerned about being almost kicked out? He's still there, right? Proof positive it's merely a hollow threat.

hereiam's picture

We have vacation planned in a week, I am so aggravated I am seriously thinking of leaving him home. 

By home, I hope you mean his mother's.

The original plan was for him and his kids to move out. Now that he doesn't ever have his kids, you let him stay there, however, he is still letting his kids affect you and your relationship. Seriously, he needs to actually move out. Does he help you pay any bills?

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Have you considered how much this dynamic affects your son? Not only does he feel bad when your DH is angry with him, he probably also feels like he is the cause when you and DH argue over the way DH treats him. For your son's sake, you need to do something so he no longer has to feel like he is a problem when it comes to your DH.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

To answer everyone's questions. SO does help with bills even though I could easily do it on my own. He is a very hard worker and last night when we came home he was laying new flooring in the house after working all day. There are many other positive qualities about him.

One thing I will not tolerate though is my son being mistreated. SOs behavior last night crossed the line of acceptable as far as I am concerned.

I never have an issue with another adult redirecting my son when it's deserved and there are appropriate ways to address a childs behavior. 

Everything about what SO did last night was uncalled for and completely out of line in every way!!! I am reacting this strongly because this is seriously an issue that I would break up with him over. 

I am just trying right now to get past my intense anger. 

DS is an amazingly mature young man. My only solice is knowing that he doesn't allow other people's behavior to affect him. He knows SOs behavior last night is SOs problem not the result of anything he did or didn't do.

To be honest DS is respectful to SO because he is an adult, but he doesn't have respect for him or his opinion because he has seen how he lets his own kids treat him.   

 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

No need to get past your anger, turn it into action to make some positive changes for you your and your son. You have every right to be angry! What your DH did was wrong, and so far he has done nothing to indicate he realizes what he did was wrong, or to make up for it, or to show you it won't happen again.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Also to add further anger regarding SOs actions towards DS. Not only has SO had to deal with his own feral children, but he has also had to tolerate BMs other children who swore, destroyed his property, told him they didn't have to listen to him, urinated in his drinks and a list of other horrid offenses. 

And he is going to treat DS that way!!!! Are you kidding me!!!

Harry's picture

Dog PooP.  That there job from now until they all move out.  You can pay someone to do flooring. Let DH pay for his own apartment.  And have his not come over because he's out of money for fun thinks 

caninelover's picture

It sounds like he's projecting his own SK issues onto your DS.  I think others are right and it may be time for a full break.  He doesn't seem to be improving in counseling and this just may be wrong match for him and for you.

superlado's picture

It's one thing for an adult to take it, to understand this man is hurting or whatever but not a child.  Your son does t deserve this.  It will really hurt his self esteem and really it could hurt your relationship with your child.  Your son can be and might remain angry you kept him in this yucky situation.  I was worried my son would feel that way in the long run towards me for staying around his dad and half brothers constant chaos. That's why I have my bio in our own place now.  
 

let this man child work out his issues on his own without your son as his emotional punching bag.  

DPW's picture

"let this man child work out his issues on his own without your son as his emotional punching bag"

Exactly. Emotional punching bag. You need to take action. Move on from this loser. Your son may lose respect for you if you don't. Don't be so sure on how your son is feeling and handling all this. Your first thoughts should be how to protect him. That is your role. Not to be witness to your DH's abuse. It happens again with you as the witness, then you are also to blame for re-exposing your son to your DH. Think about it hard. Use that anger to fuel action towards the right path. The path you are currently only is only bring you futher down the dark hole. Lose the loser and move on. 

TheBrightSide's picture

DS is an amazingly mature young man. My only solice is knowing that he doesn't allow other people's behavior to affect him. He knows SOs behavior last night is SOs problem not the result of anything he did or didn't do.

Have you considered that your son is smart enough to resent YOU over this.  "My mother stayed with a man who treated me like sh*t."

If you truly believe your DS didn't deserve this treatment and you believe that YOUR SON believes this too....then the only conclusion your son will have is that his mother chose to stay with a man who treated him like sh*t.