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The misadventures of Stepparenthood

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I have decided for my own therapeutic purposes to keep a daily blog. Now that SKs have been dropped on my doorstep because they are no longer allowed at BMs boyfriend's home. ( Kudos to him, can't blame the guy one bit) I am anticipating daily nonsense.

I plan to remain disengaged as much as possible. But have no idea if it will work or it's only a matter of time before I end up like BMs BF booting them to the curb. 

Life will definitely be a lot different between SO and I and that is my concern and if our relationship will survive having them here 24/7. 

Day 1:  SO went to work and BS is at his dad's,. I went to the gym , lunch with friends and then over to another friends house. I did not see SKs at all, the which was great.

I get a PC from dear neice who tells me the crap already hit the fan when I was gone. She doesn't know what SKs did to start it. But she hears SO unleash years of pent up fury on them. Basically telling them how aweful they were and that Thier behavior is so bad that both he and BM can't have Thier own relationships and lives.

I almost wish I was at home for that. Of course as always OSD responds, it's not her fault SO and I have problems. Oh but it is, we have never had an argument about anything else, it's always about OSD. 

Now let the petty childish nonsense begin. I woke up this morning to OSD putting my hairbrush in the toilet. I don't plan on even mentioning it, because I refuse to give her the satisfaction that I might care. 

The reason she hates me the most is I refuse to allow her to gaslight me and give her even an ounce of power over me. Since that's the only trick she has I make sure she is fully aware that I don't care. 

She is such a narcissist she needs to be the center of attention at all times, whether good or bad attention. I refuse to give her either. 

I am not sure if SO is keeping the truth from me or if he is holding out hope. My neice said she heard him on the phone with BM and BM said she isn't taking them back. 

I asked SO when I got home what the plan was with the SKs and he said they are here for the week but he doesn't know after that. 

I will be out of the house all day again today I'm taking DS sledding. I can't help to think about how this will effect my relationship with SO because it really won't be much of a relationship with them here.

I like to take DS places to do things. I will not ever take SKs anywhere with me, which means SO has to choose to leave them home or not go with us.

I am planning a few small trips with DS, again not including SKs. SO will not be able to go because he has no one who they can stay with for a week. Even his parents have said they can't handle them. 

I am also realistic, they have had these issues Thier entire lives. Even if SO started actually parenting them now, it will be years before you see any kind of improvement. 

Comments

tog redux's picture

Wait - so he created these brats through years of non-parenting, then he blames them for ruining his life and relationship with their behavior? Lovely. 
 

I still haven't figured out what is so great about this guy that you stick around. You seem to have yourself together and be a good parent - you could do better. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

This is one of the reasons I wanted to start writing my feelings and experiences down. I don't know if the relationship will be worth it.

I consider myself a very mentally tough person. But I also am a natural giver and I admit sometimes I give too much neglecting my needs in the process. 

I admit SO is a terrible parent. But he is a good father in that he loves his children to a fault. They just aren't the type of people to appreciate that. 

SO is at fault for not doing what needed to be done to address his kids behavior. But he also was barely In thier lives until they were much older. 

BM would move around, hide the kids. He would have to go to court to get her to comply with visitation. It was years before the courts finally had enough of her nonsense and gave him physical custody. They were 8 and 10.  Once he got custody he began parenting out of guilt for all the time he missed out on. 

During those years BM didn't have a stable home, moved around a lot, had her older children caring for SKs and they are dysfunctional themselves. Violent, school drop outs, with police contact, drug users. BM also went from guy to guy moving each one in within weeks of knowing them.

Then when SO and I first got together he was 100% on board with learning how to parent his kids. Once SKs were at a place where Thier behavior was manageable. In swoops BM to tell them they are being mistreated and abused and we can't do those things to them. Then the rebellion starts. SO did at first stand strong and try to address the behavior.  BM then takes her huge tax refund and buys OSD everything her little heart desires. 

Then exists OSD, and enters the daddy guilt again because SO lost one of his kids again. Then he starts to believe he is the one who drove OSD away and it wouldn't have happened if he wasn't so hard on her. Then comes a year of him trying to fix it by not parenting at all.

So there is that part of me that understands, along with the part of me that knows the reality. SKs have spent Thier formative years enmeshed and exposed to dysfunction. This is normal to them. SOs attempts to change that were met with parental alienation and kids being kids are going to go where life is easier.

SO may never be able to undue the damage in his kids that exists but I also know that the only chance they have in life is him trying to do the right thing by them and that means being a parent.  He also needs to accept that OSD is the way she because thats how she chooses to be and he needs to let his daddy guilt go. He can't change or undue the past. 

But he also just needs to take a look at her 3 older kids and how they have turned out to know if there is not some type of intervention, that will be his kids future as well.

tog redux's picture

I think you are being very forgiving - if he had them at 8 and 10 - THAT was the time to start changing how he parents. I get that BM was a huge influence on them, but I think he failed them just as badly, and it's really not a "loving father" thing to tell your kids that they are responsible for your relationship falling apart.  That's emotional abuse and unnecessary.

I don't see these guilty dads as "loving" - yes, they love their kids, but they neglect their needs for parenting, which is part of being a "loving" parent. Loving a kid is the easy part, he's selfishly refusing to do the hard part.

We dealt with alienation and a crazy BM, too, but my DH never stopped being a parent. He would not have tolerated for one second SS targeting me and putting my hairbrush in the toilet.  Your SO is still failing his kids, and now he's blaming them for it.

Please tell me that he is at least going back to court for sole custody and child support and isn't going to pay BM while he cares for the kids. And that he's actually going to parent them? What is her consequence for putting your brush in the toilet? Or is he saying, "Oh, we don't know who did it, it could have fallen in there."

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

He doesn't know about the hairbrush. I haven't told him yet. He still has physical custody it never changed when OSD made her exit. In my state at 14 the courts let kids live with whatever parent they want to. 

I also agree that he failed them by not being a strong parent from day 1. 

He definitely did not handle his outburst well. But he isn't wrong about about them intentionally sabatiging relationships they have admitted as much that they intentionally treated past girlfriends the way they did because they didn't like them and wanted them to go away.

I blame SO for never taking a stand against SKs when they did this and sticking up for his girlfriend's. He needs to own that.

Also they have said it 100 times before they hate BMs boyfriend and don't care if he is Thier little sisters father and that BM would be homeless. They want him to break up with BM. I hold them accountable for the fact that at thier age they do know right from wrong and choose to do wrong no matter if other people get hurt in the process. Like thier little sister who is only 3. 

But I don't feel sorry for BM because SKs are her flying monkeys. She trained them to be this way.  She wanted a girlfriend gone she employed SKs to do it. She gets mad her BF and they are having relationship issues. SKs are her little confidants. So they come to BMs defense that BF isn't treating her right. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, they are accountable for their behavior now - but SO and BM are too, since they created the entitlement that drives their ability to break up relationships. They allow it to happen by allowing the poor behavior throughout their lives, and empowering them to believe they are equal to adults.  I know it's easier to forgive SO his part in it because you love him, but he's just as much to blame as BM, IMO.

Do you plan to tell him about the hairbrush?

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I agree with you as I said above both SO and BM have molded these children to be who they are and are responsible for the way they behave. Simply because it was encouraged by BM and reinforced by SO when he did nothing to stop it giving them power and control over him. 

I am truly doubtful this will ever change. 

I did tell him about the brush and got the response I expected. He blamed the cat!  

Stepdrama2020's picture

Dang !

I would be sabataging anything that belongs to the skids. Toothgbrush, snap oops my bad. Clothes in laundry I dont know how the bleach got in there. Dinner time. I cant taste the pepper what is YOUR problem.

You get it. Be immature and reek havoc because being the better person with this shit is boring LOL

I am joking here...sort of

tog redux's picture

That "cat" needs to go on a rampage! 

Oh, SD, the cat tore up your favorite shirt! And then he peed on your bed, ate all of your makeup and pooped on your toothbrush. BAD cat!

SteppedOut's picture

Has your SO started looking for a place for himself and his feral monsters? (He realizes he is to blame as much as bm, right?)

If bm won't take them back...which sounds like she will not....you are not going to allow them to stay....right? 

No way in hell I'm going to live with someone that puts my brush in the toilet (and who knows what else she is corrupting). 

Eff that - I would have seen that one thing and told SO he needs to start looking for a place - and quick. 

tog redux's picture

How does one parent get to decide they aren't taking kids back? I never understood that. The last one to dump them gets stuck with them? She should be charged with neglect. And let me guess, she won't pay a penny in child support. Family Court is effed up. 
 

And ditto for kicking them out, SO included. 

SteppedOut's picture

I do not understand the dumping of children either. It is morally disgusting. 

My formerSO essentially did the same with our son when I decided I no longer wanted to maintain our relationship. He hasn't seen our son since and pays very little child support. There are ways to "game the system", even for men. He wanted to inflict financial hardship to "punish" me for leaving. (Didn't work, I guess he can't wrap his mind around a woman being self supporting?)

A parent dumping children is, unfortunatley, more common than it should be. 

tog redux's picture

I know - it seems the first out the door in a divorce can pretend they never had kids, if that's their goal. I think parents should be mandated to have parenting time, and fined if they refuse, in addition to child support.

SteppedOut's picture

Some states do add on an amount to child support if one parent does not have or has little custodial time.

Honestly, it seems like the "rules" are not consistently followed by child support or family court officials - in any state/jurisdiction. It seems to be based more on whoever lies enough to get said officials "on their side" and/or the mood of the officials. 

When I filed for support I put on the paperwork he never had custodial time. He legally has zero custodial time (we were not married) and chose to never see our son (unless I allowed him to stay over night at my house and sleep in my bed, which I of course would not allow). He put he had 50%. He literally never sees our son. Child support was based, in part on him having 50% custodial time - in addition to other false information. None of the information he provided was verified. My information (income) was verified with W2s and check stubs - his was not. But he did cry in the CS office about me leaving him while he was at work and she felt bad for him. After all "You wouldn't have to worry about cs if you resumed the relationship - you wouldn't even have to work, he said you wouldn't have to work!"--- child support worker literally said this to me. But, if his income is as low as he is saying (not proving, no paperwork provided), how could I not work - it would not be enough to sustain? 

So off topic.... but family court and childsupport and for that matter child protective services are only as good as the people employed at the offices. Sadly there are so many that should no longer be employed...but government jobs are hard to lose. 

Unless both parents are decent and actually care about their childen AND are good parents, the children will in some manner suffer when parents split. Finacially, emotionally, physically. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

There is no way you should have to live with people who put your things in the toilet.  I don't often recommend this but maybe your DH should follow the Rags child correction plan.  Sounds like your skids really need a short sharp shock but I think your DH needs parenting classes too.

JRI's picture

It's a good idea to keep a journal, stay with that.  It will help you make what whatever decision is appropriate.  You seem to see things clearly.  Good luck.

ndc's picture

I hope you get insight from a daily blog.  Frankly, I don't see how this situation is sustainable.  You can't just leave the house any time the skids are around, which sounds like all the time now. And if your SD is putting your hairbrush in the toilet, who knows what she might be doing that you don't know about. It's no way to live. Have you considered living apart until the skids are no longer minors,  and seeing your SO when he can get away from the skids?

Little savages's picture

I can relate to your mixed feelings about the kids. Sounds like you want to help them but at the same time can't change how they've been raised and influenced in ways you wouldn't have chosen. All the while, your SO is not the perfect parent but seems to now be trying to get on the right track with SKs at least in some ways. I admire your courage in facing the reality. Through lockdown (now in month 10!!!) with SKs, and no BM on the scene, I feel those conflicts every day. Im sorry to say I detest SKs quite a lot more than before, and respect my SO a little more than before because I see him trying to undo bad habits of guilty parenting. He has a loooong way to go, don't get me wrong! But after a lot of conflict between us, and near-total disengagement from me: I feel he gets it. He sees what little s***s they truly are, in their own right, without me saying anything, and i believe he is ashamed by them. When it comes down to SKs, it's clear they respect no-one (not even SO), are sneaky beyond normal 'kids testing the boundaries', incapable of following the most basic instructions, two-faced, insincere, characterless, shall I go on? Hang in there. X

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Lock down nearly broke me, spending that much time with SKs. 

I have finally gotten back into a routine for DS and I where our life is like it was before SKs. SO is understanding and supportive of the fact that SKs are never included in that.

I tried in the beginning to spend quality time with them in hopes that getting them involved in normal family activities would help undo some of the dysfunction. But I was so very wrong. They went out of Thier way to make every outing as miserable as possible as well as be unappreciative. 

Just today DS and I were out all day with friends sledding and riding Atvs.  SKs sat home in Thier rooms all day. I don't feel guilty anymore about it because SO is thier parent and he doesn't even want to deal with taking them out in public. 

I have just accepted that they have been raised differently and I can't change that not is it my responsibility.