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It only took 3 years

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Today SO asked me to buy a lock, because he is going to start locking up food in the pantry, because he is sick and tired if YSD making messes in the kitchen by making food all day when she is supposed to be in class and wasting it.

I did this 3 years ago when both SDs were getting into everything. I had food prepared for them in the fridge they could just heat up. Cereal, Raman and stuff to make sandwiches. No reason for them to get into everything and waste it.  SO thought I was barbaric and would unlock the pantry when I wasn't home and let them do what they wanted. 

Now that YSD is here full time, SO suddenly has less patience for her nonsense.  He also admits her behavior is immature and problematic. 

I also think he is scared because OSD continues to spiral out of control. She isn't with us, he hasn't spoken to her and I don't believe he wants to. I have also stood my ground that I don't want her here. I can't handle both OSD and YSD being here but am willing to accept the lesser of the problems.

He hasn't spoken to the girls older sister in years. He got a call from her complaining about how out of control OSD is. She told SO she had to ban her from her house. This seems to be an ongoing pattern with OSD where she keeps getting banned from relatives homes. 

Although SO has not admitted his role in in creating SKs behavior problems. I find it interesting that he suddenly feels the need to step up his game.

It may be the new counselor they have begun seeing. I know her and wouldn't be surprised if she has called him out. He will never admit this to me. But I am happy to see the change.



JRI's picture

I just reread your blogs.  Remind me, how old is YSD?  It's good that your DH is facing reality.  It only took him 3 years, it took my DH about 50 years to see SD59's traits during her last residence here.

Is YSD in therapy?  If she is overeating, I'm guessing it's connected to her depression over her POS BM.  I know what you mean about the SD pining for the BM.  As volatile and unstable as our BM was, SD really just wanted to live with her.  I can remember the sad look on SD's face when BM dropped her off for her second stay here.  She was marrying Clueless and there wasnt room for SD in that relationship.

When SD had moved back with BM, it was when the family home was sold and they were moving to an apartment.  SD had glowing dreams of the two of them living the single life, lounging by the pool, being pursued by many wealthy men.  Of course, that would have required income and since BM chose not to work, once she used up the funds from the home sale, oops.  Time to get married so someone would support her.  I'm sure SD preferred living with her,  That was certainly better than living here with 4 other kids, putting up with DH and me and our curfews and intrusive questions.  Sadly, it only lasted a few months, then the drop-off.

You sound like you've disengaged enough to get thru it.  The more your DH experiences her reality first-hand, the better.  Good luck.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Thank you, sorry about your SD. It's painful to watch as an outsider. YSD is definitely a binge eater and it gets worse when she is upset. She is only 4'11 and weighs 150lbs.  YSD is 13 and OSD is 15. YSD is in therapy with SO.

I don't want to be this way with OSD but at 15 she is too far gone. Without serious intervention that she will not get with BM being the enabler she is more than I can deal with. 

I am just glad SO is realistic and understanding that it would be too hard to try and help YSD if OSD were here negatively influencing her as well as causing disruption to the house 

JRI's picture

That whole overeating issue - i watched my sister basically die from it.  She suffered from depression all her life, coped by overeating, then also developed diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis and a list of other problems.  Meanwhile, she just kept getting heavier.  The last 10 years of her life, she and Mom lived in a condo with my poor aged mother taking care of this obese, sick person.  She had all the medical and psychiatric care in the world but nothing could stop the food problem.  She fell, broke a leg and it had to be amputated.  Imagine what that meant for a 5'3" person over 250 lb.  

She eventually had to go to a nursing home.  She couldn't even get to the bathroom herself and each time, had to be hoisted by a lift.  It was awful.  Two years ago, she developed pneumonia and died.  One of the causes of death on the death certificate was Pickwickian syndrome which I'd never heard of.  But its obesity related, reduces the oxygen in the blood.

I wish I could think of a way my sister's situation could have been changed.  Perhaps therapy earlier in her life?  But back in the 50's and early 60's, I'm not sure that help was available plus our family didn't recognize the seriousness.  Sigh.

It's good that your SD is in therapy.  That's exactly where she should be.  I agree, you have your hands full with her.  OSD is going to have to be her own or someone else's problem.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I'm glad SO is finally taking her issues seriously. The low self esteem she has because of her weight only compounds her depression.

It's a vicous cycle. Eating disorders and an unhealthy relationship with food is tough to treat.