im 28 and still hear crap from my mom about my dad....what do i need to do?
Ok....so my parents divorced when I was around the age of 12. My father paid child support and did what the court asked of him...but really was not the loving affectionate type toward me. Everything had to go by the books and I grew to resent him for this. For the longest time I really blocked him out out my life.
Well now that I am 28, I talk and see my father, but still do not nor probably never have the relationship a father daughter should have.
My mom and I have a close relationship...but if I ever mention my father she goes on the spree of bashing him and at first I agree and did partake in it. But, now that Im 28, I really feel like that I probably was not the most easist teen to work with and really feel like I need to give him a chance.
Well, a few weeks ago, I decided to put new flooring in my house but due to expenses was going to lack a few dollars so my father offered to put the flooring in for me and I took him up on it.
Well, this weekend he worked on it and DID NOT mention my moms name...heck that was old history. But, my mom calls and asks who is doing my carpet and I tell her....well the rest his history! She bashed him...asked me How could I do this to her. Like its my fault for asking him to help me. She is wanting to be the victim and I am really getting tired of it. I have told her, but she really acts like a child about it.
What do yall recommend? I was not wrong is asking my father to do it. But, my mom is trying to make me feel this way and im freking 28 years old...when will SHE ever grow up????
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It sounds as though your mom
It sounds as though your mom hasn't put herself in your shoes. There's not a thing wrong with you having a relationship with him & loving him. That's what fathers & daughters (and sons) are SUPPOSED to feel between each other. The relationship between you & your dad is different from the one she had with him. You have a bond with him that she never did. Not always her husband, but ALWAYS your father. Does/did she have a good relationship with her dad?
Really, I dont know. I used
Really, I dont know. I used to think she did, but the older I got I and picked up on things I have learned that they were very strict on her. Her mother did the same thing to her and she is doing to me. She married young just so she could get out of the house.
I want to break this chain...because I never want to treat my child like, they owe me something!
Sounds like you need to let
Sounds like you need to let mom know that you are Switzerland....completely neutral.
My own family has a few divorces and for some reason, I was constantly in the middle, but I finally just had to tell everyone that I am out of their drama. I love you and I love them...let's be adults and move on.
I'm 37 and my mom still
I'm 37 and my mom still carrys on this way. Best advice is to just stay out of it. Ignore her, try to change the subject, whatever you can. If that fails tell her you don't want to hear it its in the past.
Did you develop your
Did you develop your resentment on your own, or did it result from what your mom said/did? I'm curious just to better understand how these things work in kids. My skids have the same feelings toward my DH.
I think I did have some
I think I did have some resentment of my own, but she added fuel to the fire.
I think deep inside my mom is miserable becasue she never has anything good to say and always has to be in control and if she is not then she acts like a two year old. I am very serious about this.
I absolutely understand what
I absolutely understand what you're saying. This is how my skids BM is.
I'm glad you posted. It gives me a bit of hope for my skids in coming around at some point. Of course, it'd be nice sooner than later. I'll just be glad if it happens before something happens to them or DH & it's too late. Having watched my DH go through what your dad has been through with your mom, I can tell you I'm certain it's made his world that you've found your way back & been willing to forgive him.
This is exactly what my
This is exactly what my husband says!
My father left when I was
My father left when I was about 2 years old and I would see him EOWE for a couple of years and then he moved to the other side of the country. The only time I really ever heard from him was Christmas and Birthday and that was about it. I also never really cared to contact him as I think I almost felt like he was a stranger as I really never got to know him. He always paid his child support to my mother. My mother got re-married when I was in 4th grade and I eventually called my Step-dad "Dad" (I also referred to my real father as "dad" too)
I remember one time when I was in about 8th or 9th grade my father came back home for a visit with his new wife and her 2 kids and my mother actually invited them to our house so they could see my horses etc. I remember she just basically made herself scarce when they were there, but I always thought that was an awesome thing for her to do! She also NEVER bashed my father.. EVER! When I was in my mid 20's and going through a divorce, I asked my mother why she and my father got divorced and she told me that he left her because he had a GF that he got pregnant... HOW HORRIBLE! I can honestly say I don't know if I could have been as gracious and self-restrained as she was all those years, but I admire her for not doing the bashing thing and letting me form my own opinion of my father.
I have a decent relationship with my father now, we're not super close, but probably the "closest" we have ever been. I hold no grudges (maybe because I am like my mother or perhaps I learned from her behavior)
Your mother needs to let you have whatever relationship you choose with your father and you need to tell her to back off with the bashing. Maybe ask her how she would like it if your father was constantly bashing her? It's not a contest, you're not telling her that you don't appreciate everything she has done for you, you are just being an adult and she needs to do the same. Good luck!!!
Wow, I'm sorry on so many
Wow, I'm sorry on so many levels. I'm sorry your mother is so difficult and is putting you in such a hard situation. I'm sorry she allowed you to miss out on having a good relationship with your dad because of her own resentment.
You've gotten some excellent advise from the previous posters, I can't add much else.
I know how it is to have a difficult mother - I do too. In fact it got so bad that I distanced myself from her and we didnt' speak for over a year when I divorced. I found that a well written note in a card or email worked best to let her know how I felt. Any verbal interaction would have ended in a fight. I think you just have to be blunt and honest with her. Tell her that you are sorry she is upset but that he's your father and it isn't about her anymore, but that you still love her.
I'm glad to have your perspective as that of a stepchild. I often hear others give advise that they should follow a custody order to the letter and I've always felt that in most siutations that isn't warranted and it would cause resentment from the child, I think you are saying just that.
I'm interested to hear why you resent your dad. If you honestly step back and assess where that resentment comes from. Is it that you wanted more from the relationship? That you thought that him leaving was keeping you from having that? You might find that the kind of relationship you dream about with your dad wouldn't be true even if your parents had stayed together. As a child I used to sometime wish my parents would divorce so that I had more forced time with my dad. He just isn't affectionate and warm. That wouldn't have changed regardless of him and my mom being together or apart. I guess I am suggesting that your parents divorce may not be the reason that you harbor resentment toward him, it may be that you expectations of a father/daughter relationship was more than reality lived up to. It's something I've come to terms with as an adult. And I've found that I can appreciate my dad for who he is better once I gave up trying to make him what I wanted him to be.
My oldest SD could have written your post, except she is not there yet. I hope that someday she gets there and can see the situation for what it is. It's so sad that bitterness from one parent can rob a child of a lot of years with the other parent.
I think that you raise a VERY
I think that you raise a VERY good question and with that I am going to try to give you a answer that hopefully will make sense.
My father was a profectionist. I remember having to do things over and over to make it correct...with him watching and yelling. He may to a certain extent have been mentally abusive. I really think there may have been some abuse toward my mother...but I do not know this for a fact.
Once he and my mother divorced he completely changed. He remarried and begin doing and changing the way he did things, not as grouchy and hardcore. He was not the same person he used to be. He stopped attending my events and started attending my step sisters events until eventually the only time he came to anything would be when his name was called on the loud speaker at a game.
When I turned 16 I had enough...I basically stopped seeing my father because it seemed like he had given up on me.
I am sure I was not the easiest person to get a long with....but i was a kid
My dad didnt do anything for me while I was in college...but, I was hardheaded and was NOT going to ask for anything either.
This entire time ...I knew that my mom hated my father. She may not have came out and jsut said it, but the facial expressions told it all. So i have always known that my my mom hated my father!
Here in the last five years it has got worse. I have started seeing my father more and the more that I see him the more my mother talks about him and makes me feel guilty for seeing him.
But, in the 28 years that i have lived I know that everyone makes mistakes and if you are normal you make more than one in a lifetime. i hope that my dad has grown as an indivdual and that I have really grown. This floor process I hope is just a step that will prove to us both that we can forget the past and move on in the future.
My mother, on one hand, I know is trying to protect me from getting hurt. Because I have been hurt by him and that is what parents hate is seeing thier kids hurt. But, what she doesnt see is that in her process of trying to get me to hate my father its makeing my think.....wow....wonder if this is the reason that they divorced...because my mom is a miserable person...she is not happy.
Its just a hard place to be as a child. But, and what I try telling myself is...this is NOT my fault....I didnt marry either one of them and I should not hear it!
Sounds like you've really
Sounds like you've really given the siutation a lot of thought and some very mature reflection. I know it's only now in my 30's and 40's (god that sounds old) that I can see how my mother's controlling and bitter ways have in the past influenced my views and feelings toward others.
My parents never divorced but she doesn't have anything nice to say about any of his family. She made if very hard for my sister and I to have any kind of family relationship with any of them. Even now she is snippy and bitter when I speak of being friendly with some of my aunts and oousins.
I think some women have a difficult time seeing their children as individuals with feelings of their own. I would be hessitant to believe that her motivation is centered on protecting you from hurt. More likely she is finding that she herself is hurt because she is feeling a lack of loyalty toward her.
It's very very hard to deal with. You need and want you mother to always love and understand you. Yet in the end we are all only human. My own mother expected me to put up with an abusive relationship because she didn't want "her family" to be broken up.
But you are so very right that none of this is YOUR fault. And it's all history. You can only move forward and learn to trust your father little by little and forge your own opinions and relationship with him as he is today. Leave behind the rest.
I wish you luck and I hope you are strong enough to let your mother know how you feel. I think if you consistently let her know and she feels you pull back from her because of it she will have to decide for herself how important her resentment and bitterness is.
As far as your father
As far as your father withdrawing from you as a child, I can say that I see my DH doing it also - as a way to avoid conflict with his exW. Some women are so hard to deal with and men are quick to take the path of least resistance.
I'm sure your father is very grateful for all and any consideration you give to bringing him back into your life now. I know my DH is waiting for the day that his daughter can reflect and see that his is not the monster her mother makes him out to be.
Nope, you were not wrong.
Nope, you were not wrong. You are building a relationship with your Father that your Mother is not supportive of. So ..... don't share anything to do with your father with your mother.
For sure do not speak to her when you are with your father.
Let your mom know that you love her but that her issues with your dad are hers and not yours.
As far as the carpet ..... tell her if she does not like that your dad helped you with it .... she does not have to walk on it. }:)
If she bitches more about the carpet tell her that she did not offer to help but that if she wants to remodel your kitchen that you will meet her for lunch with your home improvement catalogs to pick out what she will be buying for your kitchen.
I won the parent lottery and my parents celebrated their 48th anniversary this summer so I have no personal experience to base my opinion on.
But .... I believe that mom needs to GROW UP!
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
If this were my mom (and sort
If this were my mom (and sort of is...my mom doesn't bash my dad but she hates when we talk about his wife because she wishes she could be BACK with him...yeah...) I would very STERNLY tell her the facts, pretty much just like you said in your post.
Tell her about how you used to feel when she'd bash him, tell her how and why your feelings have changed, tell her that you will validate her feelings but that you can no longer partake in the bashing. He's your father, and you want to have a relationship with him too, and you would really like it not to be at the expense of her relationship with YOU. I'm sure she'll feel miffed/betrayed at first. Anyone would if they are used to talking badly about someone and then all of a sudden that mutual person is no longer someone they can do that with...she'll probably feel like you are trading sides. Point out to her that you are very close with her, love her, and do not want that to change (a little coddling and complimenting your relationship will help ease the pain).
I know how you feel. My dad
I know how you feel. My dad left my mother about 33 years ago.. and to this day I still hear what a POS he is. I just let it in one ear and out the other. I see now that he isn't a POS but a really great guy. I do see that my mother was a gilted woman.
As an adult I realize that he left HER and not his family. Hell, if I had been married to my crazy mom, I would have prob left her too!!!
I am so glad to hear you say
I am so glad to hear you say this - and read everyone's take on it. It gives me hope, that maybe our SD19 will grow up to be nicer to us one day!!
I think it is true that, if your dad is not around, you think that everyone else has this Andy Taylor Mayberry relationship with their dad, that everything is good - well like I told SD that is hardly ever true unfortunately!
My dad was around but was often absent traveling for work and when he was there he was pretty much an alcoholic, although he was never mean, he was often drinking which was scary and unpleasant for a child.
BM's dad was the same way from what I am told which is why I am surprised BM told SD that DH should help her with her homework every night, when we live 5 states away? that that is what dads do, not moms? I don't think so in her case either!
There were not the expectations or acceptance of hands-on 'dad'ing there is today when I was growing up, which was not so long ago!
I think SD feels the same way about wishing she had brothers and sisters (she is an only child because DH and BM could not get along any more after getting married to have SD), well I have 6 siblings and that is no barrel of monkeys either sister!!
But thanks for sharing and I think your mom will come around, if you are consistent with your message!! HUGS
I hope you stick around here
I hope you stick around here and share more of your perspective with us all. We deal so much with crazy BM's and nasty acting skids that we forget they all have their own side of the story.