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Life and things that look like it, but maybe aren't.

emptyrisksagain's picture

Still alive. Yep.

I have a question, and even lengthy answers are welcome:

How does one disengage? And because I assume that means "just stop doing the crap I do for someone who sh*ts on me and my biokids and my DH and everyone in the world even within a mile radius" do I do it when, and I am serious here, SD WON'T LET ME?

It seems...I dunno...not "allowed". Like if I don't immediately hug her (after one of her many sh*t on Emptyrisksagain parties, she's all over me or telling me she loves me and ugh, it's all very needy and "PLEASE LOOK AT ME ALL THE TIME AND TOUCH ME AND VALIDATE ME I AM ALMOST 17 YEARS OLD BUT OMG TOUCH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!".

OH, and this has been bugging me, too, lately:

THAT GIRL IS ALWAYS ON MY BED. WITH HER DAD. (he is always there first, she joins...BARF)

Now, he isn't asking her in and saying, "Oh please be on this bed with your skin and hair and body oils..."

But she'll go around the house looking for him...EVERY DAY...if she can't see him RIGHT AWAY, and (if it's later in the evening) he'll be in our room, reading or working on music, ETC. So she goes in...and every time that I she does this, I will walk through the laundry, past our room to my bathroom...AND THERE SHE IS! Laying on mine and DH's bed, laying there with her FUNKY FEET (and I mean the other eff-word) on my pillows, on his pillows (yes at the same time)...just sprawled out staring at him or trying to move herself closer and closer to him...asking him to play her favorite music on his guitar as SHE LAYS THERE IN MY EFFING BED?!?!?!?!

Um, excuse the shit outta me, I want to say, BUT GET YOUR SHIT OUT OF MY BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, c'mon folks! I sleep there, he sleeps there....we DO STUFF THERE, and she is almost 17. Why would she WANT to be there, knowing what "could" have happened there?! Am I being a nut? Arg.

It's late. Um, actually...early? Heh. Sorry to BUFAH all over the place. Hope all is well.


stepoff's picture

and inappropriate. In my opinion, kids past the age of 5 shouldn't be on their parents' beds or hanging in their parents' room. When I was growing up, my parents' room was like sacred ground that we weren't allowed in. Tell her that your bedroom is off limits. If she NEEDS Daddy, she can hover over him somewhere else.

emptyrisksagain's picture

My mom said "5", too, when I brought it up with her. Also, my parents room was something like you described; we wondered what was in it...what even LURKED there...perhaps it was magic, even, but we didn't GO CHARGING IN THERE. lol. This kid, tho? She just doesn't give a damn. Sad, eh?

I think I will tell her flat out next time she's trying that fake-clingy crap with me without her dad around. Hell, I kind of warned DH I was going to he won't be surprised. heh.

emptyrisksagain's picture

I think you're right about being given authority. So you know what? I am going to take authority. Not kidding here, either. I'll tell her, TOMORROW, to stay OFF my bed and out of my bedroom. If she does it again? I'll tell her dad she's ignoring me. If HE ignores me?


I'll be sure to not be intimate in that bed or in that room....until HE washes the bed clothes. No kidding, here, either. That bed is about US, after all. Not about his EX and their guilt-parenting of HER.

Ugh. Now I wanna hit something. lol.

AllSmiles's picture

No kids at all in your room. If you can, go get a new bedspread and tell DH, no kids, no feet...ya'll hang out somewhere else.

Then, leave. For me, to disengage is really to put myself first. When they are having family time, I go catch up on errands, window shop, get a book, make myself unavailable to fix meals and babysit. The major key is not feeling guilty about it. Some do, I don't. If I had more money, I'd be getting massages and manicures having lunch with friends.

Third, if she needs that much attention, make him plan activies with her. They can go to a park, plant flowers, whatever. He's the daddy. Maybe if he scheduled some uninterrupted time with her, she wouldn't be so clingy.

Good luck, hon

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton

emptyrisksagain's picture

I so wish I could go for mani/pedis (is that the "in" thing to call them? lol)...but...not so much. I mean I could...but I "won't" afford them. G*d knows what I am saving my money for. Ha.

I wouldn't personally feel guilty at all about disengaging. I know that makes me evil. But seriously this girl is out for blood, and has been for YEARS. She even tells family members (who she hasn't seen in forever) all about how jealous I am of her (?), how she doesn't like me, or me with her dad, etc. They ask why? She says she "Just doesn't". (It's sad when they side with me after a weekend of her shit)

The attention needing crap, though? I think you have it right. THEY can plan stuff, and get her needy crap out of the way of REAL LIFE. I have a household to run, after all. I have lunches to pack and EVERYTHING to clean, and schedules to set up and run and then REMIND people of (even though I've told them already, lol). We seriously do NOT have time for this 2-3 hours of clingy shit EVERY DAY.

I mean, this is BS. And I am about to lose all, all, all patience with it. This is MY HOUSE, too, ya know? Why the eff am I in prison because of some garbage past that I didn't even help create?! OY.

Sorry. Perhaps I should go rest. LOL.