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Biological Mother and Step-Daughter

JY's picture


I am posting because, my boyfriend had our step-daughter from Wednesday to Thursday as per the court order. On Wednesday we were watching this show titled "Baby Borrowers". I don't know if anyone has seen it on Channel 4 in New York. I really like the show
. Not sure what channel it would be if you are from a different state, may be the same channel. Anyway there was a lady and her husband in the show talking to one of the young couples and she stated something about how she trust her husband. Step-daughter commented on what the lady had said about how its true for a woman and a man in a relationship there should be trust and love. She then proceeded to state that a man or a woman should be able to tell each other if they have been married or divorced, have kids or no kids. She then stated how its better to be with someone who was never married or has kids. Now, I was acting as if I didn't hear what she said but, as soon as the show was over I proceeded to state to talk to her. It was amazing to hear the things step-daughter revealed to me and allowed me to say. I proceeded to state to her how she said something interesting and I told her what it was. I then proceeded to tell her I am fully aware I am not your mom and I am fully aware your mom may do things different then me but, she is still your mom and your dad is still your dad and no one who comes into their lives will ever change that. I also explained to her I know we are always telling you to be a kid and not to worry about adult matters and it may be hard because, you are around adults just like my daughter is around adults and you may pick up on adult things but, at the end of the day be a kid. She then told me how when she goes to the court, the court tells her how she talks so mature for her age. She then told me how she feels in the middle between her parents and how before she felt like it was her fault her parents separated/divorced. I explained to her that she is never to feel that what her parents decided is her fault that is an adult decision that they made and that is something they have to figure out. I also explained to her no matter what she needs to remember that she is loved. She then proceeded to state to me how her mother has been with various men and she gave me details about them which I didn't feel I should know about but, I didn't stop her from telling me because, I didn't want to be rude. I kinda told her mom has to go through a couple of frogs before she gets to a prince. Then she said something about how her mother use to cook, clean and do everything for her dad but, her father never did anything for her mother. I honestly don't remember what triggered her to say this but, I then told her and you honestly believe that? I knew that was something that didn't come from her but, I didn't really say that to her. I then told her your dad did do things for your mother and you. He made sure you had a roof over your head, food on your table and clothes on your bodies so, your father did do for your mother and you. I then told her your father is a hard worker and I see that but, the most important thing that I love about your father is the love my daughter has for your father. I explained to her that before I was with her father I was in two other relationships which didn't work out but, I met your dad and what mattered to me the most is my daughter and how she bonded with your dad really helped me to be with him because, I wouldn't have been with your dad if my daughter didn't like him or get along with him. I also explained to her I love my daughter alot and she is my main concern and while me and her father are not together they are times I may not like something but, I have to bite my tongue and get along for my daughters sake because, she is what matters. I know I went off the topic with her but, I just wanted her to understand what the difference was when two adults put their child before their personal issues.
Her dad then came down and the conversation ended but, the weird part is she made the following comment a few minutes after: I enjoy hanging out with you and I told her I am glad you do. She then said you are fun and I enjoy talking to you. You know that felt really good because, I sometimes avoid her or feel awkward around her because, I feel her mother poisons her head so much that she isn't in the age to see the reality.
Did I do wrong by speaking to step-daughter as I did? Do you think it will bite me in the end with the biological mother?
Whats your input or advice?

Mystery23's picture

You did very good you didn't bad mouth her mum or anything you just listened. I think if you just keep doing this so she don't pick up how you feel about her mum. Or even what her dad said then you and her should be fine. You just got to be there for her. One thing about my step-mum she did not bad mouth my mother although she was very jealous of me.

JY's picture

Thank you for your response. I am sorry your step mum felt that way about you. I would say that is something your Dad has to live with because, he stood with someone like her.

ColorMeGone2's picture

I think you did just fine and I think that conversation probably meant a lot to her. It's a fine place to start building a better relationship with her.

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥