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Step-daughters Bedroom

JY's picture

Step-daughter came over the weekend to spend her parenting time with her father(my fiance). Step-daughter has a bedroom, and all I ask her is to keep her bedroom the same way she finds it on Friday's when she arrives. On Sunday Fiance and Step-daughter went to get the Christmas Tree because, my daughter(previous relationship) didn't want to go, and our 3 month old baby fell asleep.
I had washed Step-daughters clothes, and so I went to her bedroom to put the clothes on the bed so, she could put them away later. When I walked into the bedroom Step-daughter had her bed done but, on top of her dresser she had stuff thrown, and she had things thrown on her computer desk. I wrote her a sticky note asking her to please put the items she had thrown on top of her dresser, and the items she had thrown on top of her computer, and underneath her computer. I also indicated on the sticky note to please keep her bedroom the same way she found it when she came on Friday.
Step-daughter returned with her father, and went upstairs to her bedroom, I was in the attic looking for the Christmas lights and decorations. I heard her come out immediately from her room. Fiance then came upstairs to the attic to help me look for the decorations and lights. As Fiance came down from the attic, I told Fiance to open step-daughters bedroom and to check it out. Fiance saw the bedroom, and called step-daughter to clean it. Step-daughter went to her room, and I assumed she cleaned it like she had been told. When I finally came down from the attic I looked inside step-daughters bedroom, and she had left a crayon on the floor, and she just took the items that were on top of the dresser, and on top of her computer desk and threw them in the middle shelf from her computer desk. Since she was in my daughters room, I knocked, and when my daughter told me come in, I called Step-daughter. I told step-daughter your dad and I asked you to clean your bedroom, and you ignored our request. Please go into your bedroom and clean it up.
Today I went into the bedroom, and I found a box of crayons on top of her computer desk which she should have placed in her crayon bin we have for her. I threw the box of crayons out. I found two erasers thrown in the middle shelf which she should have placed in her supply bin. I threw the erasers out. I found one of her toys out of the bin where she is to keep her toys, and I threw it away.
This is the fifth time I have written on a sticky note to step-daughter to please maintain her bedroom the same way she finds it on Friday. I even argued with Fiance because, I told him this is our house, and if she wants to keep her room messy at her moms that is fine but, in our house I will not accept her bedroom messy.
Fiance felt disrespected when he had told her to clean her room, and she didn't.
Do you think step-daughter is disrespecting us both? What advice can anyone give to us on this matter?

Thank you

wicked-stepmother's picture

It is definatly hard when a child goes between homes that don't have the same expectations. I too like a clean, orderly home. I hate mess.

This is an issue we have struggled with in our home. But, as my sd(14) has gotten older, we have lightened up alot. When we moved a couple of years ago and my sd moved in with us, our new rule became....no food, no drinks, no smell, no bugs....door closed. I didn't want the mess to invade my house. I would not clean up her room at all. It was her space to be herself and relax and feel comfortable in. This is her home too...wether or not she lived in it full time or not.

As a kid I was a pig. MY room was a disaster. As an adult, this is NOT the case. I know she is just a normal teenager. I was asking too much of her. I relaxed and let her just be. She relaxed too and our relationship was good.

I once worked with a women who used to leave me sticky notes...I hated it...it felt like she couldn't even bother to talk to me...like I wasn't worth her time r effort. I definately went out of my way to piss her off...just to see what else I could get her to write me on a sticky note.

soverysad's picture

I think that it is your house and your rules. If you like it neat, you're within your right to expect her to keep it neat. She has two choices 1) keep it neat or 2) you clean it and anything that is out of place is thrown away or put in a closet where she can't have it back until she starts to respect your house rules. I have SD stuff hidden all over my house and many, many things have been thrown away. She gets mad and claims "i ruined her whole life", but too bad. When she says that I respond with "what is the rule?" she answers with "clean up after myself", I respond with "Did you follow the rule?" SD "no" , me "then you ruined your whole life, not me. take responsibility for that".

Totalybogus's picture

Perhaps I am reading too deep into this but it seems like the child cannot "live" in her room. I have the same rule that the rooms have to be cleaned, but because they are only there for two days, I don't enforce it until the day they leave. As long as it is clean for the next two weeks, who cares. Sounds nit-picky to me.

soverysad's picture

Just an FYI - I don't apply this rule to her room. If her room is messy, I close the door. That is her room and I don't have to live in there. The rest of the house is common space and I expect it to be kept neat. She has toybox and a desk and filing cabinet and toy bins in both our living room and office. She's allowed to play and live. I allow toys to lay around all day long, but before bed, I expect the place to be picked up.

Totalybogus's picture

Nah, I do the same with my own kids. In fact, his kids have regular saturday chores at our house too. They switch off cleaning the guest bathroom, the litter box and the porch between the two of them, so they don't get off scott free. I just think a crayon on the floor and going in the room 3 or 4 times in one day to see what is not in its place is nit-picky. I don't think she'd be doing that to her own kids.

Totalybogus's picture

I can totally understand especially in reading your blogs. Even a nit-picky stepparent is made that way by a non-engaged bioparent. I would become nit-picky too if that were going on in my house.

Its just sad that the kid gets the brunt of our frustration because we are really mad at our own partners for not stepping up to the plate for whatever reason. A kid is going to do whatever they can get away with.

My husband is the king of nit-picky and childishness when dealing with my daughters. Perhaps I'm a little over indulgent too and I drive him to it.

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

When I was married to EH I was a total OCD neat freak. I even took the windows apart on a regular basis to wash them. You could have eaten off my bathroom floor at any given moment. When I married DH and moved to his town I vowed to quit being a freak and OMG it is LIBERATING ladies! LOL! I have now become a slob and it's great! The kids and I enjoy living instead of me always being worried about things out of place and a little dust here and there. Perfectson has his own room and each SD has their own room. As long as we can find something when it's needed and there is a decent path to walk through I'm happy, I just shut their door between visitation times. Now, I will say my house is not dirty, but it is cluttered and most definitely 'lived in' but the memories we are making by living means much more to me than the house being spotless all the time.

Sometimes if we just make a decision to lighten up and release those worries, the sun shines a little brighter in our lives.

Totalybogus's picture

Once they become teenagers, they really need their space. My rule for my girls was that I would respect the privacy of their room as long as I couldn't smell it and it wasn't oozing out the door. Of course, saturday was always cleaning day and they had to clean their closets out once a month, but between each saturday, I gave them their space. However, the rest of the house had to be kept to my standards ie, kitchen, living room, bathrooms, etc.

When they're younger I can see making sure their things are picked up before they go to bed because it creates a good basis of how they should live their lives when they go out on their own.

Funny but my oldest daugther was a serious slob when she was a teenager. She had three piles of clothes in her room. One was clean; one was definitely dirty, and one you had to smell to determine what it was. She now is married and on her own and her house is as immaculate as mine.

Stepmom2Ched's picture

My dad used to comment to my mom when he'd see MY room: "Does she have HOOKS on her floor to hang her clothes?"

I've now heard it called a "Floordrobe."

~*~A Good Mommy will let the kids lick the beaters. A GREAT Mommy will turn the mixer off first!~*~

Stepmom2Ched's picture

My advice is let it go. I don't see it as a matter of disrespect. Disrespect, IMHO, is talking about you and not caring, talking rudely to you, Cursing. Respect is not given, it's earned. Showing respect earns respect.

I'm a messy, and my thoughts are, if she doesn't have food or trash in there, then what's the problem? It's her room. If she had to share it with someone, then for the sake of safety, keep things off the floor so the baby can't get those items.

There are some people who just don't have that 'neat' ability...I have struggled with this all my life. BOTH my folks were ...my brother and one sister were "neaties," but my older sister and I were "Messies." I have plenty of books on organizing, which helped me improve, but I'm certainly not a 100% neat & organized person, and probably will never be. It's just the way my brain is wired. Probably ADD related, I don't know...but I certainly don't stress out about it.

My older daughter (who is also a messy) said, "You tell me to straighten up my room, but your definition of straighten up and MY definition of straighten up are NOT the same." That opened my eyes and my way of thinking--she had a totally different way of organizing her items than my way or organizing her items. So now I just keep her door close. She doesn't eat in her room, so we don't have to worry about bugs.

Is it really worth it getting into a hissy-fit over misplaced crayons? CHOOSE your battles. If you are going to nit-pick over the little things, how will you react over the really important things as she gets older...such as driving, drinking, dating, etc?!

~*~A Good Mommy will let the kids lick the beaters. A GREAT Mommy will turn the mixer off first!~*~

brook4's picture

I have rules for the rest of the house regarding the way I would like it kept, but my golden rule is that bedrooms belong to the occupant. Short of pestilence..I try not to invade. I find picking my battles makes life easier, and kids do tend to take more ownership of their space if you can let them be. I do have a Saturday cleaning rule. We all get in and clean our own spaces, take part in cleaning communal spaces and then get out of the house to do something fun together.