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Just need advice

JY's picture


I am posting because, fiancee received an email from ex-wife. She alleges a situation between my bio-daughter,12 years old and step-daughter, 10 years old. As per the ex-wife last weekend when step-daughter was here; my daughter was talking to one of her male friends. As per the ex-wife one of the male friends asked step-daughter to be his girlfriend. The ex-wife proceeds to tell fiancee that the step-daughter is too young for this kind of things. She then proceeds to state if I the girlfriend lets her bio-daughter have one that isn't her concern but, step-daughter is. She then proceeds to ask fiancee supervise step-daughter more. She than goes into reminding him how fiancee and ex-wife had a conversation about boyfriends and that step-daughter will have a boyfriend the same age she did at 17 years old because, her education comes first.
I understand her concern but, at the same time I am really annoyed about her comment: if girlfriend lets her daughter have one that isn't my concern but, step-daughter is. She doesn't even know me or my methods of raising my daughter for her to state such a comment. I would have understood if she would have stated I am concerned about the phone conversation that happened and would like for you both to speak to the ladies. I am trying to have patience with fiancee's ex-wife but, it is starting to really make me think about my relationship with fiancee. Fiancee is telling me not to think about it and to let it go. I am to the point I want to pack my bags and just go with my daughter. I don't need this stress. I just don't want her to mention me or my daughter in anything relating to them. Your custody battle is your problem and neither me or my daughter have to be involved. Am I wrong? Any advice will be appreciated it.

namaste123's picture

Well it sounds like the 10 yr old went and told her mom that your bio daughter was allowed to have a boyfriend, The ex probably told her that although you may allow your own daughter to have a boyfriend that does not mean that your fiance's daughter is allowed to have one. Therefore she wanted to tell your fiance the same thing she told their daughter so that he can tell her the same thing if she complains why the other girl can do something and she cannot.

JY's picture


I spoke to my bio-daughter and got the story. What had happened was my daughters school mate which is a boy called the home phone. The boy asked to say,"hello", to step-daughter. Then as the boy spoke to bio-daughter and step-daughter he started stating to step-daughter if she wanted to be his girlfriend. Bio-daughter told him to stop it. The boy continued. Bio-daughter than states she told step-daughter that the boy was playing with her.
Even if step-daughter went home and said to her mom I allow my bio-daughter to have one. That is only an assumption because, at no moment was the matter brought to my attention or to fiances attention by the step-daughter to know our view.
I just simply feel she didn't have to mention that comment anywhere in the email. Her main focus should have been her bio-daughter which is my step-daughter. I think she reacted more emotionally and that clouded her mind and she put it out there and now she looks concerned but, at the same time very bad. That is just my opinion. The bottom line is the matter has been resolved and I made sure to have fiancee express it in the email my thought on her comment regarding me as a parent. I am sure she feels wrong at this point, she hasn't replied.

MSloan86's picture

I would address the issue with your BD and let her know that she should be including SD in talks with boys. It may be a nice springboard to asking your D about her views on boys. At 12 my SD had a 'boyfriend' from school, but the entire relationship was in IMs and texting. They didnt even talk at school.

How you want to communicate back to the BM is up to you. I might ignore all the other crazy crap and let he know that you agree the 10 yr old doesnt need ot be having these conversations yet and you spoke with your D.

If anyone thinks they can control a teen into not having a boyfrined/girlfriend til 17 is nuts and asking for trouble. IMO

JY's picture

If you look at my reply to the other individual regarding their response to my post you will see what happened. I just don't want to reiterate it.
I have already spoken to bio-daughter about the age when she may have a boyfriend. I also informed my bio-daughter for the future she is not to speak to step-daughter regarding anything step-daughter isn't suppose to know. I also told bio-daughter that step-daughter is not allowed to have step-daughter in the same room if she is having conversations with her school mates this will avoid any inappropriate conversations.

The other thing fiancee expressed to step-daughters mother is for the future she should speak to step-daughter and advise her that if their is anything inappropriate or not to her liking that she should let us know in our household so, the matter may be addressed immediately. This will avoid step-daughter having to wait till she returns to her mothers home to express things that we could have resolved in our household. I did have fiancee state to step-daughters mother I was deeply sorry for the incident.

I feel the same way you do about controlling a child and what actual age they are to do something is trouble. I feel you can only guide your child and hopefully they will make the right choices and respect you as a parent but, their is that possibility of things not ever turning out the way you expected as a parent.

melis070179's picture

Well I agree with MSloan86, no way is BM going to be able to keep her daughter from having a boyfriend until she's 17. And while I understand your feelings about her assuming you let your daughter have a boyfriend, she might not have meant it malicously. She was probably just upset & concerned that her 10 yr old was talking to boys on the phone with your D.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

JY's picture


I understand her concern regarding SD talking to boys and that is fine bringing it to our attention. She should just have kept it in that focus.
I am sure she meant it malicously because, anything she can use against fiance and the custody case she will. She put it on the email because, she wants to use it in the court.
She doesn't think we are capable parents and it was proven and confirmed by ACS(Agency for Children Services), and the psychologist evaluating the case. She is a fish drowning and she tries every chance she can get to try to float and it backfires on her.