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Step daughters mother

JY's picture

Hello Everyone,

I need advice on this therefore, I am posting the latest. This weekend Step-daughter was spending her parenting time with her father. My daughter from a previous relationship comes down and tells me how step-daughter went into her bedroom to have her phone conversation with her mother. My daughter states she was listening to music videos on her laptop but,it wasn't too loud she couldn't hear step-daughter's phone conversation with her mother. As per my daughter,she overheard the mother asking step-daughter about a book the grandmother had given her. Step-daughter told her she had put it in the dresser. The mother didn't like the word she used, and told her not to talk like them(which is us). I told my daughter I would speak to step-daughter's father regarding this matter. Daughter went upstairs to her room. I then proceeded to tell fiance what my daughter had just told me. I told fiance this is the second time my daughter has had to hear the negative remarks that his ex-wife is relaying to step-daughter. Fiance inquired what did I mean this is the second time daughter has had to hear the negative remarks that ex-wife relays to step-daughter? I told him the last time my daughter went to see her father, my daughter had invited step-daughter to accompany her because, they were going to the movies. Step-daughter went and she proceeded to tell my daughter that her mother said my daughter was rude. My daughter then told step-daughter your mom shouldn't be talking. When my daughter had told me what occurred I was upset because, of the comment the mother had made about my daughter but, I also was upset because, my daughter stated what she did to step-daughter. Regardless if it may be true I didn't want step-daughter relaying messages to her mother that my daughter had said. I did inquire with daughter why step-daughter made this comment, and daughter told me it was probably the way she was speaking to her dad. Fiance had forgotten about this incident, and so I refreshed his memory.
I advised fiance since they are supposed to go to the psychologist next weekend for step-daughters appointment that he address the matter with the psychologist and the ex-wife. I have a feeling fiance isn't going to say anything. Because, I have this feeling I want to speak to step-daughter myself about it. What do you think? Should I wait to see if it is addressed or go ahead and speak to the step-daughter about it? Please advise.

Thank you

onehappygirl's picture

I know how you feel about this one. My Skids' mother (the Wookie) absolutely HATES my kids. She has even gone so far as to tell my Skids that she doesn't want them playing with my Bio-kids when they are at mine and DH's house. At a soccer game that my husband and I couldn't attend (his daughter and my daughter are on the same team), our exes took the kids to the game. My kids said "Hi Wookie" (not really, Hi "First Name"). She turned around and told them that if they must address her, and she would rather they didn't, that they must address her as Ms. "Last Name". So, my kids said, "Okay Wookie". She flipped her hair and walked off.

I understand your anger. It makes me furious at times, but my kids usually handle it by doing the opposite of what she wants and with humor, and it completely pisses her off. But you know, I love and adore her kids. So who wins? I do.


Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

JY's picture

It makes me sad to think that someone could have such darkness in them. You know its one thing to see a person, and see them as a good mother, a good person but, then they speak or do actions that just make you change your view of them. This is how I feel about fiances ex-wife. I honestly don't care what she has to say about me but, when she mentions my daughter(previous relationship) I have no compassion.
I teach my daughter no matter what she hears or sees to stay quiet, and remove herself. I teach my daughter that if someone says something you don't have to let anger consume you, or become physically violent if anything use your words to get your message across without screaming or yelling.

StepChicka's picture

I don't know if it would help to talk to SD. It would make your daughter appear a tattletail and cause more of a rift.

You have every right to feel the way you. I'm a protective parent as well (who isn't, right?). It's tough to hear when someone throwing insults about your family. However, parents are allowed to suggest what is appropriate vs what isn't for their kid---That's what his ex is doing. You do the same when the tables are turned. Its just different parenting styles.

JY, I would wait it out a little longer...if this happens frequently then your fiancee should have a discussion with his daughter about saying hurtful things then bring it up to the counselor.

Your daughter sounds like she can hold her own in regards to her step-sister. Encourage her to continue so. They'll in turn keep each other in check hopefully without scratches and hairpulling.

JY's picture

Part of me feels by me telling step-daughter what my daughter overheard she will feel embarrassed about her mothers actions. I want her to know that if she chooses to listen to her mothers negative comments that is her choice but, my daughters(one from a previous relationship and the new baby) due not have to be exposed to ex-wife's jealousy.
Things like this discourage me in seeing that goodness exist in people.

StepChicka's picture

Ah JY, I and almost everyone on here, know all to well how discouraging it can be. That's why a site like this was created--thank goodness! My sd's mom could drive me insane if I'd let her. She puts negative thoughts in her daughter's head about us and her dad all the time. It's so tempting to level the playing field by trying to convience SD what an ass her mom is but I know it wouldn't be healthy...and it would backfire anyway. Kids are fiercely loyal to their parents even the ones that cause the most termoil.