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Does this happen to anyone else?

Trying to Stepmom's picture

SD14 has been staying with us on and off since the stay-at-home orders started in March. (That's a different story.) We (SD, DH, and I) have had a couple talks and things haven't been horrible. We'll end up having a good week, but a day or so before she goes back to BM's, it's like she's trying to sabotage the good time she had with us by having a sh*tty attitude. 

 Does this happen to anyone else? 

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JRI's picture

I dealt with the transition issues for 4 years until all 3 of the SKs moved in with us full time.  Ours wasn't exactly like yours, where you are seeing it in preparation for the return to BM. I saw it every Friday afternoon when the SKs arrived after school.  They just seemed so, energetic is one word, boisterous is another, aggressive,-well, you get the idea.  After about one hell day, things caimed down.  Next weekend, same thing.  It was exhausting.  Years later, i heard the same thing was going on at BM's house in reverse.

I'm an older BM/SM so the co-parenting concept is new to me but I often wonder if those parents are going thru big time transitions all the time.

I wish I had advice for you.  All I could do was endure it.  Good luck.

Trying to Stepmom's picture

Thanks! 

 We saw some transition when she would come to us from BM's too. Haven't noticed it too much lately. DH thinks SD secretly wants to be at our house but I think she wants to come over when she doesn't want to be at BM's or when BM takes her to her aunt's house. 

Zen mode's picture

It would happen every time he came home and sometimes prior to going. I'm so glad those days are over for me, he's 18 now. It letup when son turned 15 and his dad was abusive and DS didn't go visit for about a year. 

Trying to Stepmom's picture

Good to know it let up. I understand that it could take sometime. Ugh. 

DH talked with SD while taking her to her Aunt's house (so BM can pick her up after her shift). SD tried to play the "we didn't get to do this and that and I didn't get to spend any time with you" card. DH called her on her b.s. because they've been out doing work on the back patio everyday she's been with us (while I'm inside with a 4yo and 6mo). And he let her know that they could have done more together (like practice her instrument, which she wanted to do) if she didn't sleep until 1:30pm today! (And trust me, he went in to wake her up multiple times, but he wanted to get more done outside than make sure she was up.)

Zen mode's picture

My ex always made our son feel guilty for enjoying his time with me and our new life/ home, which was very different than what he had with his dad, which was, huge house, huge yard, swimming pool and lots to keep busy doing. My home was in the suburbs, nothing special but it was where "mom" was. My son was 14 when I finally found a decent therapist that helped reinforce that it was OK to like things at both places. I think my son also felt a lot of guilt because his dad would pry things out of him and then be derogatory about them. Simple things believe it or not like what I made for dinner during the week would be mocked and made fun of. I think my son felt like he should stand up for me but really wasn't in a position to with a bullying father so I think those emotions would spill over into my time with my son because it was safer to express them with me, even though it left me feeling like I was getting the short end of the stick all the time because of it: 

advice.only2's picture

Spawn was like this but we would get the sullen surly pouting when she would return from Meth Mouths grasp.  Then we would have a two week window for her to detox, and then she would be back at Meth Mouths and the cycle would start all over. 

Maxwell09's picture

It's anxiety for changing household especially if the households are run extremely different from each other. My SS gets it on Fridays when he's about to go to BM if I wait until Friday to tell him it's Friday. He'll whine and say the time went by too fast. On his day back it takes him a day to transition back to his normal maturity level and double that during the summer when he stays with her for longer periods of time. 
 

all you can do is accept it for what it is and identify it for him so he can learn to see how his behavior changes from house to house. 

Trying to Stepmom's picture

 

all you can do is accept it for what it is and identify it for him so he can learn to see how his behavior changes from house to house. 
 

Yes! 
Of course identifying it would have to come from DH, because anything I say to SD, she thinks I'm being mean. 

Trying to Stepmom's picture

This too! 

 This first time we had SD for an extended time during restrictions, she wanted to stay longer after the first week and DH said BM seemed surprised (as did we!). 

Zen mode's picture

where it is obligatory to "have a bad time" at your house or risk disapproval from the BM.

Cover1W's picture

Yes.  YSD has always had the transition anxiety.  Worse when she was younger, both upon arriving and leaving.  Now when it's the transition day, she'll pack up her stuff in the morning and refuse to do ANYTHING but wait for the leaving time.  If she's been at BMs a long time, usually for summers, she'll come back all snarky and critical, esp. of DH.  She's not normally like this.  DH does put her in her place then.

Trying to Stepmom's picture

Oh the packing and waiting! That has happened too. 
 

The last time SD was with us, her brother was picking her up, but of course no one communicated what time that would be to DH. DH is working around the house and SD is busy gathering her stuff. Next thing we know she is opening up the garage door to take her stuff outside because her brother is in our driveway. No "he's here!" or "I'm leaving!" Pretty sure she would have left without a goodbye except DH caught up with her as she took her last load outside. He was not happy about that. 

Then yesterday DH was to drop SD off at her Aunt's, but of course there was no communication as to what time. I needed to get out of the house and we decided on a coffee run but SD didn't want to go. Then it turned into "we're going to drop SD off." We're pulling out of the driveway and DH finds out that SD hadn't contacted Aunt to let her know we were on our way. Then no one could get ahold of Aunt. So we decided to wait and just go get coffee. I hear SD go "Jesus Christ" from the backseat. Guarantee that DH didn't hear her and I wasn't about to say anything even though I don't appreciate her saying such things. 

We get home and SD just hangs out in the car for like 15 minutes before she goes in her room until DH finally takes her to her Aunt's. *eyeroll*