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OT - blaming your past

Aniki's picture

Quite often, people attribute their past experiences for who they are today. While the past can definitely alter what forks in our paths we choose, we also have the choice to NOT let the past cripple us. For some, instead of trying to move above and beyond what happened, they use it as an excuse.

"I had a crappy childhood"
"My parent/spouse abused me"
"I grew up in a bad neighborhood and that's all I know"

I got in with a bad crowd when I was a teenager, did some horribly stupid things, but managed to make it out alive and intact.
I was abused by my exh and barely made it out alive. He continually stalked me and tried to kill me more than once. 

These are things I will never forget. But I absolutely refuse to use those as excuses for crap behavior or stunting my personal growth. 

I recently read a meme that I agree with 10000000%.

Your sh!tty childhood isn't an excuse to be a sh!tty person.
Your sh!tty luck with relationships isn't an excuse to be a sh!tty person.
Your sh!tty experiences aren't an excuse to be a sh!tty person.
We all have our sh!t to deal with and you can either let it define you or grow from it.

YOU get to choose. Make excuses and continue to be a sh!tty person. Or decide to elevate yourself above and beyond the sh!t. Life is short. Why allow your focus to be on the negative?


What can I say. I hit double nickels today and feel like I've evolved a little. Peace out. 


WarMachine13's picture

Speak it woman!! Agree with this 10000%.

Somedays I can't believe I'm still kicking. Got in with a bad bunch and got scars to prove it. Should be dead but blessed to still be here. And made the CHOICE to be better. Not shitty. 

Happy birthday Aniki.  *drinks*

Siemprematahari's picture

Wonderful post Aniki!

Words that I live by:

I am not my past, I don't live there anymore. 

Every second of every moment I am blessed with an opportunity to choose differently. I am not my past. I am not my thoughts and I am not my feelings. I have evolved and still learning in this beautiful journey called life. Nothing changes if YOU don't change and people don't realize that we have the power of choice. We have the ability to do & be different and break generational traumas. What we did once upon a time does not define us.


nengooseus's picture

I think that we all have to take responsibility for ourselves and the choices we make.  I had a bad childhood that still affects me, but part of my recovery has been to differentiate between the choices I make and what happened in the past.  Otherwise, we're stuck in the victim mentality forever, and that's not a good place.

Tying it back to my SKids, it scares the hell out of me that while they are capable of self-reflection, they are totally unwilling to accept any personal responsibility for their actions.  SS10 misbehaves in class and it's because the teacher told him to do something he didn't want to do, not because he was being difficult.  He threatens a kid and it's the kid's fault because he made him mad, etc.  It's super disheartening for his future.

Aniki's picture

nengooseus, thank your for writing that about victim mentality. Because I think that's what some people cling to - being a victim. Be a SURVIVOR. 

That IS disheartening. But you can only do so much. You've heard it... You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Sad

tog redux's picture

I hear a lot of people excuse their DHs that way too - "BM abused him so he's afraid to stand up to her or parent the kids".  Nope.  Not an excuse. 

Aniki's picture

Agreed. Go to therapy. Be an adult. Be a parent. NOT standing up and NOT parenting can be part of why the skids are poopie.

Jcksjj's picture

I can see this TEMPORARILY. But if it's been awhile that hes been separated and had time to work through, then you're just being weak or taking the easy way out.

classyNJ's picture

I just adore you Aniki!

How can we make the world a better place if we just keep blaming our past for being a horrible person?


Aniki's picture

I adore you right back, classy!

Right?! And there are these things called RIPPLES. One person's mood can affect another person's. Who wants to hang around with an eternal Eeyore??

Jcksjj's picture

Yes! This is where I'm at right now - all the negativity from people around me is draining me

futurobrillante99's picture

AMEN, Aniki!!

Each day you wake up, YOU get to decide who you are and what your attitude is. I'm still evolving as a human being and won't settle for being defined by the shit sandwiches I've been served during my lifetime.


Aniki's picture

FB, I will forever consider myself a learning, evolving person - who is violently opposed to eating shite sammiches!

Crspyew's picture

I think the koalas would rejoice in being in the rain right now.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

So wait... By common logic... I can never trust a human being and be a paranoid crazy person for the rest of my life... Interesting...


Al seriousness though... STBX liked to say "the military made me like this." Funny how I know tons of military homies and none of them are "like this."

Aniki's picture

PA, my DH said "The Corps rebuilt me, but I CHOSE who I am."

Your stbx is an asshat, darlin'. YOU are a gem. xoxo

Aniki's picture

I think mine is, but I'm a tad bit biased...

Sweetie, I hope it's sooner rather than later!!!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Just in time for my siter's baby to be born in August.  Due to circumstances I plan on being the fun aunt when I go visit Biggrin

Crspyew's picture

I think some people are born more resilient than others.  These aren't the people who openly blame their life choices on some one or something else.  The less resilient are those who end up self medicating or caught up in an endless cycle of victimhood and despair.  I thank my lucky stars everyday that I am resilient and I try to be understanding of those who aren't.  Life isn't as cut and dried as we would like it to be.

Aniki's picture

I don't believe any aspect of life is cut and dried. Yes, some are most certainly more resilient. I hope that anyone who is self-medicating has someone who will strongly encourage them to seek professional help.

But there are those who purposely wallow in their "victimhood" and use it as THE excuse to act sh!tty. Booooooo!

Kes's picture

One of the last things my MIL said to me, before we went no contact with her 2 yrs ago, was that I had a victim complex.  I don't think I do, but I do insist on being treated with respect, which she didn't do, and when I spoke up about her behaviour towards me, she lashed out in true narc fashion with a label on me of "victim complex".  In fact the main thing that caused the huge fight between us, was that my DH's brother - ie MIL's other son - has mental health problems and uses these as an excuse for behaving like a total knob. I spoke my mind about this, after DH and I were ignored by him all evening after travelling 3 hours to attend a family reunion.   The rules of dysfunctional families being "don't feel, don't say anything" etc meant that I was expected to put up and shut up.  I didn't, and I didn't think that DH's brother's behaviour should go unchallenged, just because he blames it all on his depression.  Yes, I have depression too, but I don't treat people like shit because of it - I am still mindful of the feelings of others.  

Aniki's picture

Your MIL is full of shizzit. I believe it's BECAUSE you insisted on respect that got her knickers in a twist. She can call the waaaaaaaahm-bulance!

I think you're a lovely person, Kes. xo

thinker's picture

To not wallow in despair is huge and hard, but even better is to learn from our past.  Being able to identify and deal with a toxic person has turned out to be a huge asset in professional life.  

Aniki's picture

True, but - as pointed out above - TEMPORARILY is key. 

I agree with you 110% about that toxic person stuff - professional AND personal!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Love the positive vibe of your post, Aniki.

My DH is a great one for putting me in check whenever I start making excuses for someone's poor behavior. To him, life comes down to choices. He had a sh!tty childhood, but never plays the victim. He is also a fighter and a survivor. To him, it doesn't matter if a person had a bad childhood or cr@p parents or lost their dog when they were nine; they alone are responsible for their behavior. 

Aniki's picture

Hey, Julie, don't make me crack my leather whip! LOL *dirol*

they alone are responsible for their behavior