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I'm trying to warn him

Tiger7's picture

SO and I have begun planning our wedding for later this year. My vision is something very relaxed and fun. We're older so I don't want to do the whole traditional reception type thing. He didn't even want to get married the first time and says it wasn't anything big so he wants a big wedding & reception. Being tight on funds though, things are leaning more the way I prefer. (And he's ok with that now). With most people planning weddings a year in advance, many venues are already booked. We found two that would be great but there are limited dates. One of the dates happens to be BM's birthday. For the past MANY years, BM never does anything big on her birthday except go out and drink. SDs' always tell us they did nothing with her that day. SO figures since that's always the case, we can plan for that day. Nope - I told him that she's vindictive and loves to cause him issues. Per the CO, birthdays are to be spent with that parent and if she's feeling slighted or bitchy or whatever, she can keep SD16 from attending. He doubts she'll do that (seems like I know his ex better than he does). I told him its not even worth it. She can be agreeable right up until the day of and then decide to keep SD away just because she can. And the law will be on her side because of what the CO states. I'm not even worried about it tho - he always comes around and realizes how right I


classyNJ's picture

You are so right. It happens all the time. I'm hoping he will agree to a different date.


We are planning ours under the guise of its a 50th bday party for myself. We are doing a boat booze cruise and the captain will marry us. It's going to be so much fun!

CLove's picture

Congratulations tiger! And smart planning - it will save heartache later on. You want your wedding to be as stress-free as possible. I applaud your foresight!

Im not married, never have been, and am approaching 50, so I know when we do get married that it will be a very mellow, and special thing, with a small group of people, and a nice comfortable, inexpensive barbecue.

Disneyfan's picture

Even without the worry of BM pulling something stupid, why would you want your anniversary to be on her birthday?

Tiger7's picture

I guess I don't although she means absolutely zero to me so I wouldn't even equate it with her. Its just that dates are limited but won't be having it on that date. Not worth the drama

jct918's picture

My first thought was "why on earth would she want her anniversary on BMs birthday?"
My SO's ex has the same birthday as my best friend since high school, and even that drives me crazy!!!

beebeel's picture

Besides predictable drama from BM, you would always remember it is also her birthday that day. Every year, even 25 years from now, you would remember, and so would he. He would be getting such a side eye from me for even suggesting it. I would be wondering if he just doesn't want to have to remember a new date.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

^^^ This, I would be totally NOT okay with EVER planning a big event on her birthday. Do I think she'll actually do something with the Skids? Heck naw. BUT, I have no desire to have that day seem at all significant to our lives.

TexasPickles's picture

I agree. I think it's very odd for stbdh to even entertain the idea. Hasn't he heard the phrase "don't poke the bear?"

Congrats on impending nuptials!

Coco72's picture

Congrats Tiger7!!

We are getting married in May, a few days before my birthday. We are hiring a photographer and a JP to meet us in a field to marry us, and take lots of pictures. Then we have invited a few close friends and family to a BBQ the next day to announce our marriage. So much less stress, and lots of fun!! We are going to wear Mr and Mrs t-shirts to the BBQ and see how long before they make the connection, then start celebrating!! Smile

Tiger7's picture

Almost done. He researched everything himself and submitted the paperwork. The clerk called him last week saying he reviewed the docs and just one form was missing and something had to be amended. Other than that it was good, papers were indexed and will be seen by the judge shortly. BM has not submitted any of her paperwork (surprise, surprise). SO has run all this by his atty just to get his take on it. Both his atty and the clerk told him chances are HIGH that the judge will just grant him a default judgment in his favor since custody is already settled and they have no joint assets whatsoever. Hopefully will hear by the end of the month or so.

queensway's picture

Congrats on the wedding Tiger! To be honest I would never want my wedding day to be the same day as BM's birthday. NO WAY! Pick a different day. :?

Tiger7's picture

We I think he was trying to be petty for a moment - like it would irritate her. idk.....but it won't be that date

BethAnne's picture

Our wedding day was the day before bm’s birthday. It was also her weekend for visitation. My husband didn’t say anything when we booked it and I didn’t think about it being new to step world and not knowing when her birthday was. Well we tried to be as flexible as possible so that sd (then 4) could attend our wedding. We offered to only take sd for the day so that she could spend bm’s birthday with her, we would provide all the transportation. But that wasn’t good enough and bm’s birthday is an all weekend event apparently. So sd was not at our wedding. It upset me and my image of my new family at the time but probably made life easier for us. Well surprise surprise the next 3 years BM did not want to see sd in her birthday (or the day before which is our anniversary) so I think is plainly obvious that she was just trying to be spiteful. Fortunately for my husband and I we are not ones that need to celebrate our anniversary on the day of and are happy to put off our celebrations by a few days so that we could have adult time when sd was with her mom.

If BM wants to be vindictive she will find a way to try to mess with your wedding which ever day you have it on. It also might not be the end of the world if your step kids are not there. But on the other hand do you want to be reminded that it is bm’s birthday too every year on your anniversary? Things to think about.

Tiger7's picture

It would hurt SO if his kids aren't there. He wants them there so badly. I would have a great time either way.

Aniki's picture

Congratulations, Tiger!!!

If it were me, the LAST thing I'd want to do is have any kind of event I celebrate yearly to be held on ANY date associated with BM. Her birthday, their anniversary, etc... But that's me. It mightn't bother you.

Tiger7's picture

I rarely think about that psycho unless she rears her ugly head. But it'll be better to pick a different day. Now that I think about it - if one of the SD's mentioned every year that its BM's birthday too, that would probably irritate the hell out of me. Yeah - different day.

lieutenant_dad's picture

DH and BM got married on DH's 18th birthday. Let me tell you something - DH HATES his birthday now. It is a bitter reminder of her BS and his stupidity. DH isn't a big birthday celebrater to begin with, but he gets grouchy on his birthday now, which ruins anything that I want to do for him. His milestone birthdays will always be tainted by this.

Plus, it means BM remembers. Last year, she texted around his birthday talking about how it would have been their 15th wedding anniversary had they stayed married. That put DH in a funk to start with. Then she texted on his actual birthday wishing him well. Had she not tried to drag him down memory lane earlier in the week, he probably would have just scoffed at it, but she planted the seed and he was down right sour.

So, as someone who has a spouse that shares a birthday/anniversary date with their ex, DON'T DO IT. You already know this, but if I were you, I'd be tempted to put a deposit on any day not BM's birthday and tell SO that it was the last available so you snagged it.

Tiger7's picture

whoa - didn't think about that. SO has such disdain for BM and there have been times he's been in such a funk because of her behavior. yeah - I don't want my wedding day or anniversary tainted by that skank. Wow - I'm glad I shared this cause I thought it wouldn't bother me but clearly I didn't think it through. It would be just like SD16 to tell people at the reception that its also her mom's birthday. Oh hell no! Thanks everyone!

ESMOD's picture

You know what's even weirder? My current DH's birthday is the same day as my anniversary of marrying my

Obviously, I couldn't know that going into the wedding:)

lieutenant_dad's picture

That's pretty funny. My XH has my birthday tattooed next to his on the back of his neck. I always wonder what his new wife thinks about that...

I wish DH would have waited a week or two to marry her, but I also get why he did it. BM was 8 months pregnant and a tiny girl that they thought would deliver early, and DH refused to have a son born out of wedlock where any of his or her family (I'm thinking mostly her because I haven't met anyone on his side so far that seems like they would care) could call him a b*stard. He wanted to make SURE they were married and did it the first chance he could.

DH is usually not someone to do something right when he can, and the only time that he jumps on doing something right away was to marry her. Maybe that's why he takes his time now...

Aniki's picture

It chaps BioHo's arse that Spawn was born on DH's birthday. I bet she would have paid the OB money to keep that kid stuffed up her for another day!!

bananaseedo's picture

Ok, but glass half full and all, that's guaranteed anniversary's w/out skids since they have to be w/BM for her Bday LOL