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Long time no Stalk!

Thetis's picture

Well I'm sure all of you can guess, my wonderful little world has been crashing around me for the last day. Why else would I return to rant about my life, right?

I have 38 days left till my due date. My pregnancy is going awesome. I have been healthier then ever before and I just love being pregnant!

Me and Dh have been going to councilling and it has helped alot. My own personal councilling has helped me out alot too.

Now for the last bit of my life....

SD and BM.

BM has lost it. Part of my "homework" from both councillors has been to interact with her more (because I'm better at it then Dh) and to try to see her as a person and not an enemy.

Well WRONG!!! WTF was I thinking? She IS the enemy!

I have been bending over backwards to seek her opinion on how we deal with SD4. Anything from potty training to mealtimes. I wanted her to feel respected. I called her in the middle of last month to ask about Sd's 4th bday party. If she was going to do something big we would do something small ect. So she says she's having the party on the 22nd. ok. Dh plans to take a day off work to go to this dumb bday party. Then her parents find work and she changes the day to the 27th. She says its probably going to be a family thing because she can't get ahold of SDs friends. ok. So me and dh plan to go to the next town over to shop for food ect before baby that day.
Now thursday she calls and says its going to be everyone and Sd REALLY wants us to be there.
We said we can't.
We pick up SD yesterday and tell her we can't but lets do a parent dinner on the 22nd so that SD can see us getting along just for her.
She calls later that night and tells Dh that I have to butt out because I have been trying to make plans to ensure we wouldn't go to this party. She also says if we don't go then she is going to stop our every weekend access and "go back to the court order" which is an out of town ruling saying DH is to have generous and reasonable access, one month in the summer, one week at spring break and alternating holidays. She seems to think she can just change her mind after us being in this routine since Jan.
I have bent over backwards for this girl. I have tried everything to make her life easier and have shown her every respect that I would want. And now, 5 weeks before baby me and Dh have to call a lawyer and go back to court.

I wish she would just disappear.


pat's picture

I have the same problem. My ex decided last month that a event that the girls wanted to attend was worth going to ,even if it was my day to have them. So, I let them go and enjoy themselves. When I asked to see them on the following week, she replied that I could not because that was her day! Even pointing out that I gave in twice to my days, that she would not comment on. Then she told me fathers day is her day , but, she (out of her kindness) would let me see the girls ! WTH ??? I won't cave in ever again. I told her that the only reason I don't take her back to court is that I am totally broke from the divorce and the high cs I pay. Plus, she would rather fight me in court then work with me and spend money for a lawyer just out of spite.

Thetis's picture

The only real difference is that she's talking about this as if she's going to take Sd completely away except for holidays. They have joint custody and the access is supposed to be decided between the two of them, with Dh having generous and reasonable access. The only reason it changed from 50/50 was because she was moving 5 hours away and that was too much to drive every weekend. Now she thinks she has the power to take Sd away.

Stick's picture

Thetis - don't let BM get into your pretty little head!

It could be 1 of 2 things... Your BM is grasping at straws, trying to make things difficult for you and DH and playing the part of a spoiled brat child. From this end of things - she is changing her mind to try to throw you guys off and make you look like the bad guys for not playing along.

Either that - OR - your BM is like ours over here. She has no clue / concept of really how much she is inconveniencing everyone and actually doesn't really care. BM here just EXPECTS that everyone around her will do what she wants because, hey, after all she IS the MOTHER!!

Over here, BM used to play that card and play it often. And DH had to tell BM that the world does NOT REVOLVE around her (BM) and BM family ... and that if she continued to act without regard for us / SD's life, then she would just have to accept when SD wouldn't be able to make it to her plans.

What finally got BM to (sort of) get the message, was when she started dealing with SD directly more (as SD was older ) and SD had had enough of not knowing when things were planned until the last minute. Finally SD started standing up for herself and saying, "if I don't know when this will be by ..." then I cannot guarantee I will be able to make it.

I can completely relate and understand how annoying and frustrating this is. You cannot live your life without wondering what kind of wrench BM will throw in it and just expect you guys to comply.

There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries and telling BM... We cannot keep changing dates, just because you do... we have LIVES TOO. And you wouldn't like it if we did this to you. Call her out. TELL HER what she is doing instead of just dealing with each new date as a new occurrence, tell her she cannot keep changing things up. It is HARMFUL TO SD and you guys do not want to be part of that. (We were able to do this with the help of our therapist. Maybe you could talk to your therapists about setting boundaries with BM?? And setting boundaries does not mean treating BM like the enemy. It means trying to get BM to GROW UP. )

Best of luck to you. If you ever want to chat .. you know where to find me sweetie!

I can't wait to hear about your new little bundle of joy!!! Smile

Thetis's picture

I really think she was just looking for a way to cause trouble. She's been nervous and super jealous around me for the last month. I think its just a spiteful jab trying to hold power over me.
My councillor is going to have a hay day with this...

I am confused's picture

I have two. One is strictly about my relationship, and is a licensed counselor, and the other is a head shrinking psychiatrist that my Ex made me see because she thought I needed meds and the counselor couldn't prescribe them. didn't want to ditch the counselor and did the shrink for her peace of mind. Big damned expensive peace of mind I'll tell you...

Turns out they BOTH told me I have a little OCD but other than that am fine, and she's a damned self-centered, self-absorbed lunatic and it's no wonder she's on two meds. Smile

Thetis's picture

lol yup thats it! One is a mental health councillor for my general anxiety disorder and the other is a family councillor for me and Dh. Different problems, different councillors. They are in contact and talk to eachother about goals and ect.